RENDEZVOUS WITH ROMEOS

Real-Life Men and Dating Reruns

2012-01-15T19:18:00.000-08:00

None of my online connections came through this weekend, so I went out on Saturday night with my good friend Jane, who is always open to new adventures. She even went speed dating with me once. I emailed Mimi shortly before leaving, and told her that I was determined to meet one nice real-life man at the bar where Jane and I were going to go for dancing and live music. She wrote back that she was never good at that after the age of 20 or so, but neither am I, really. At my age, I'm too shy when it comes to striking up a conversation with a man in public, but my confidence level had a boost recently, so I thought I'd try again.

I was at a karaoke bar for my daughter's birthday celebration a few nights ago, where my son told me that he had noticed a few men giving me appreciative stares, even while I was singing! That is hard to believe, but then he pointed out the men in question to me and even encouraged me to smile back at them. Lo and behold, one of these men even came over to say hi, and I don't think anyone gave him any money to do so, either. I feel like I'm a pretty observant person, and I always notice when men are looking at other women, but obviously I'm not always aware of when they are noticing me. Back to last night. When the man at the table next to ours said we could have the empty chairs at his table for the rest of Jane's friends who were arriving, I invited him to join us. I had previously noticed that he was my type, tall, a little burly, nicely dressed, with attractive facial hair. We started chatting, and all the right signals were there. He leaned in closer, brushed my arm with his, then later laid his hand gently on my arm to make a point. Later, I touched his sleeve with my hand in response to a question he asked, because that's what I am supposed to do if I'm interested, right? Then we exchanged information (he's published a book about dating and said he could give me info about NDAs and the like), but shortly after that, he admitted that he was waiting for his date, who was 45 minutes late. He wasn't sure if he was being stood up or not. His date, he bragged, was the sister of a major Hollywood director whom he met the night before (while they were both on dates with other people) where they felt a mutual attraction from across the room, and made plans to meet at a remote location where they wouldn't be seen by either of their previous dates. He described her for us in case she happened to enter the crowded bar unseen by him. Her hair was blonde, he said, "Texas Blonde," and she was on the short side. Finally she arrived at his table, and that was the end of my conversation with a handsome real-life man. The band started playing, and they leaned in close to each other to talk, and it was impossible to hear any of their conversation after that. By then, the group of Jane's friends knew whose sister she was supposed to be, but everyone agreed that if she really was related to the director in question, she could only be his mother. The blonde had had some major work done, and her body was trim, but her face and hair were frozen and starched into a mask of obvious plastic surgery covered by expert makeup. She had a short black dress on, and she could shake it like a teenager out on the dance floor, and despite her age she kept his attention all night. I did give the man my email, but even if I don't hear from him, it was still a win, because I met him (and spent time talking to him) in a bar. As we left, Jane said she thought that the published author and I made a much nicer-looking couple than he and the Texas blonde, but that's the way it goes sometimes. By that time, I was no longer interested anyway.

Meanwhile, I've been contacted online by Easy Rider, who forgot that we went out on a date last year and had no chemistry, at least for my part. In response to his email, I wrote that I must have made a great impression, since it took him over a year to get back to me. He obviously didn't get my sarcasm, and he wrote back again asking what my username was before, so he could refresh his memory! Speaking of men with bad memories, Jane told me last night that Farm Boy has written her an email on the dating site she recently joined - saying they should meet, they have a lot in common, they work in the same field, yada yada. I'm sure she lost any respect she previously had for him, in addition to lots of faith in the class of men who frequent online dating sites. You see, just before I broke up with him, Farm Boy spent an afternoon with her at a rally we'd invited her to. Oh, these online men. How soon they forget!

I googled the Hollywood director from last night. His two (step)sisters are at least ten years younger than me, but the picture of his mother that came up strangely resembles the Texas blonde, although her hair is a different color in the online image.

Weekend Update

2012-01-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

It turns out that I didn't need to worry about how to let The Boy Next Door down easy. I received this email from him a few days ago:

Not really sure.... but i think the chapter is closed on me.

wasn't really expecting it ..but yeah we clicked.....sandiegoGirl4me
...the names have been change to protect the innocent

it's a multi-layer beyond belief kind of thing

even the hardest part is already met....the

"he's so cool mom" blessing

so Juliette...i may be writing the book first
because i might have the ending!

Since I had resolved never to mention this blog to anyone I'm dating ever again, I decided I'd tell them that I'm writing a book on dating which they could read some day after I get it published. This is pretty funny though, because in no way was he ever going to be a chapter. I halfway wondered if this was a strategy to get me to beg him for another chance. Maybe if he got to meet my kids they would think he was cool too? I wrote him back and wished him luck and told him to keep me posted. I mean, multi-layer beyond belief sounds pretty special, right?

Meanwhile, bicycle man and I clicked in a very good way. We met for dinner at my favorite fish restaurant and it turns out it's his favorite one too. He's good friends with a man whom I met and really liked at a party with Farm Boy last summer, and yes, he knows Farm Boy too. They used to work together 10 or 12 years ago, and that's just one of the many ways our lives intersect. Not exactly multi-layer beyond belief, but we talked so easily and had so much fun that there was no awkwardness at the end of the evening. He immediately asked me out again and I accepted, and then he texted me from work a few times during the week to say he was thinking about me. Oh, and he gave the best hugs I've ever had on a first date. The man is just the right height and build for me and knows how to use it. Seriously, the best time I've had in ages.

After I got home, I noticed his facebook profile said "separated, " and made a mental note to find out more, especially since his dating profile said "divorced." Date #2 was lunch and a walk at the beach, and it was then that I learned all the details about Bicycle Man that would bring him down from his pedestal. The fact is, despite all of his pros, this man has more cons than I am able to deal with right now. Although his profile insists that he's ready for a long-term relationship, he hasn't yet filed for divorce from his wife. He is enmeshed in a huge legal and financial battle with her where the house they have jointly owned for 20 years is about to be foreclosed on by the bank. I counted 10 out of 30 sentences which he began with "My wife and I..." so he is still clearly involved with her, whether on friendly terms or not. Also, he moved out of the house he shared with the wife into his newly-divorced female massage therapist's house just three months ago, and admitted that he's infatuated with the masseuse, although she refuses to get involved with him. As we were talking, he observed that he has been in back-to-back relationships since the age of 16 with no breaks between women, and admitted that maybe it is time for him to be on his own for a while after all. I had to agree, and that was that. But he is still a nice man who rents a house with 3 other roommates in the same age range who like to throw fun parties, so I will remain friends with him and go to these parties, because you just never know whom you might meet.

Mr. Clean and I are arranging a meeting in a few days, and another guy is writing. I suspect that we will be meeting in the near future as well. No word from Jersey Boy or the Sexual Healer and that's a good thing.

I'm back!

2012-01-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

OK. Vacation's almost over, my health issues are pretty much resolved, and I'm feeling really good after a wonderful relaxing holiday with my kids. Time to get back into a routine and start getting serious about dating again. As usual, the dating websites are the best way to do that, so I signed up again. I've heard before that holidays are good times for dating, and even though the last few years were exceptions to that, I've already met quite a few men in my preferred search group. I am in contact with five of them, and they all look decent, have jobs, and can write fairly intelligently. Well, most of them have jobs - a recent injury forced one of them to quit his construction work. I am enjoying exchanging emails and IMs with these men while they decide when and if we will have that all-important first date.

Guy #1 - Mr. Clean. The most promising and intelligent, but he might just be a little too clean. Has been married one time with no kids and seems to be a little too used to living alone. Is some kind of scientist and has written a book (who hasn't these days?) which actually seems interesting to me. He's out of town for the holidays but continues to write and says he wants to meet. I'm not too sure this will happen though, because he seems to like being a pen pal a little too much. He can stay on the back burner for a while while I decide if he's interesting enough. Already he has lost points by telling me that he was such a funny guy and to prove it he copied and pasted a few old unfunny jokes from Jack Benny's time.

Guy #2 - Jersey Boy. The most knowledgeable about stuff I'm interested in, and the most spiritual sounding of the bunch. Has read a lot of the same books on the subjects and we have a few philosophical discussions, but he seems a little angry at the women in his past for all of the spirituality he spouts. Example: in his first email to me he writes, "...you need to meet one of my main requirements: no drama."

Guy #3 - The Boy next Door. The funniest and most comfortable to talk with, but also the one with no job right now and therefore no money. Coincidentally, he used to live a few blocks away from me 10 years ago, back when I was married, and so was he (to his third ex-wife). We didn't know each other then, but had friends in common in the neighborhood. He is always on the dating website when I log on, so we have IM'd a lot with some pretty fun banter. As easy as it is to chat with him, the lack of a job is a problem for me, as is the many miles away he now lives, and the fact that he can't drive because of his injury. I find myself trying to make excuses for him, but the fact is that I need to set my sights higher.

Guy #4: - Sexual healer. Yes, that's officially his job, so of course I'm never going to meet him, but he's not as flaky on the phone as he sounds, even though his official title is an "alternate lifestyle sex coach." I can't imagine how anyone could make a living doing that, and what kind of health benefits or retirement package it provides, but I'm not going to date him, so it's really a moot point. He is really cute and sincere sounding and it was fun to be greeted by him as my first contact, but that's as far as it went.

Guy #5: - Bicycle Man. I almost didn't include him. I thought his picture was adorable and his profile had a lot of similarities to mine (same job, our kids are the same age, etc.), so I sent him a wink. Instead of responding, he would visit my profile every night for two weeks with no reply. I know this because every time I signed on I would look at the visitors to my profile, and I'd see him on the list. Finally one day, a reply! Said he liked my profile and would love to meet me. I agreed, and so that's how I got my first date of 2012.

The date went very well, I'm happy to report, and will be followed up by a second one this weekend. More on that later.

Early Detection

2011-10-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

"You have two strikes against you," my dermatologist told me as she sliced off the top of a suspicious-looking beauty mark on my upper back. "One: you have fair skin and a lot of moles [I've always preferred to call them beauty marks]. Two: you live in San Diego, where it is always sunny." Then she handed me a pamphlet filled with hideously colored photos of blotches of skin with asymmetrical borders and strange greenish pigments. I had never spotted any of those anywhere on my body, but my daughter had noticed a scary-looking patch of skin under my bathing suit strap while we were lying in the sun a few months ago, and so now I was finally getting it removed.

There is good news and bad news for every event in life, and when my doctor called with the biopsy results, this news was the worst. They had found malignant melanoma, stage 1A. The slightly better news was that it was very shallow, less than a millimeter deep, and the only treatment at this point was surgery - a wide lesion excision one centimeter around the edges of the biopsy wound. In plain English, they would be removing an oval piece of skin approximately one inch by four inches from my back. Everyone told me how lucky I was, lucky that my daughter made me get it looked at, lucky to have caught it early, and lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend who adored me.

I focused on being thankful for the good things in my life instead of worrying about what the pathology report from the upcoming surgery would show. If any melanoma cells were to appear in the skin surrounding the original mole, the next step would be removing the sentinel lymph node (closest to the site), and from there, I couldn't even think about what might come after that. Farm Boy and I celebrated our 6-month anniversary the same day that I received the diagnosis, and he sent cards every few days and flowers to take my mind off the surgery. I kept my outlook positive and did the right things. I went to my therapist to deal with my fears. I made sure to ask my boyfriend how he was doing, too, because I remember how hard it was on me when a previous boyfriend was diagnosed with colon cancer. Farm Boy assured me that he was fine and I was going to be fine and we would be together for a long time.

The surgery itself wasn't bad at all - I was awake throughout the procedure with just a local anesthesia, and it took less than an hour. Although there was a lot of bleeding, I felt good enough to go shopping with my daughter immediately afterwards to celebrate our days off work with some retail therapy. The following day, Farm Boy had a busy day planned. I went over to his house very early that morning, and we had activities scheduled all day until dinnertime. I was doing OK until mid-morning, when I discovered blood seeping out of my bandage. My daughter drove me back to the hospital to have the stitches checked. The doctor on call changed the dressing and gave me some stronger pain meds. I probably should have just called it a day at that point, because Farm Boy was not happy upon my return to his farm. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he was stressed about being late to the next event we were attending. He had invited friends over, and lunch ran longer than he expected, and he was grouchy about having such a busy day. I took some pain pills and hung in there, but just before dinner I went home to get some rest, wondering if I had overdone it.

Farm Boy and I had dinner together the next day and all seemed well, but a few days later, on the evening of my first day back to work, he called and asked me to do some work for him. I declined, not feeling up to it after an exhausting day, and he didn't take it well at all. A few hours later, he called back and began listing the things I had not done lately to support him. He angrily told me all the ways that I was simply not caring and loving enough towards him. I had been about to go to bed and had taken a pain pill just before he called, so I wasn't sure I was hearing his words correctly. I couldn't believe he was getting irate with me simply because I didn't agree to do a minor task which could have been done by any of the other people he is working (on a volunteer project) with. He continued his rant, on one hand asking what I had to say in my defense, and on the other saying that as far as he was concerned the conversation was over. I was confused and shocked by his call, but most upsetting was his horrible timing. It was as if he had waited until the worst possible moment in the world to dump his list of complaints on me. I remembered our only other argument, about 2 months before this. He came over one day and did virtually the same thing he was doing now. One day everything had been fine and he loved me, then the next he had a laundry list of things I was doing wrong and making the relationship not work for him. I noticed that a pattern had emerged, which (combined with his severe depression and other issues) added up to a bigger load than I was willing or able to carry. "It's good that you found this out early on," my therapist pointed out to me the next day. "You are getting better able to detect which things you can and cannot tolerate in your partner's behavior." I realized she was right. Farm Boy's anger is more than I can tolerate, now or ever. I broke up with him, even though he is the best boyfriend I've ever had, even though we had travel plans during the holidays, and even though he so sweetly sent me love cards in the mail all the time. Even though I found the perfect Thanksgiving card which I've been waiting to send to him for weeks. Even though I bought two expensive Christmas presents which I've been saving for months because they were perfect for him and when I saw them I knew he would love them. I still love him, and there are so many good things about him that I really hope that he will let me be his good friend when I am not his girlfriend. I suspect he will, because he's that kind of person, and that would be some really good news to round out the sad news of our breakup.

And finally, the good news about my surgery - the pathology report came back clean. No cancer cells were detected in the surrounding skin! I'm a survivor. Also, I will get a complete scan of my skin every two months for the next 3 years, which will hopefully prevent the growth of more cancer. Early detection is everything.

No News Is Good News...

2011-09-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

Back-to-school time is the busiest and most stressful time of year for me. All summer long, as I tried to put off thinking about the time when I would have to get back to work and real life, I often wondered what would happen to my romance with Farm Boy when the end of August rolled around. It's really difficult to go from strolling hand in hand on a beach in Baja to the grim realities of a classroom full of prebubescent kids while keeping the magic alive at the same time. I am happy to report that our love is still strong, and I am still overjoyed to be in a relationship with him. School has already been in session for 2 weeks, so it seems that we have made it past a major hurdle. Of course, things are good between us mostly due to increased communication and respect for each others' needs. When we don't take the time to have a serious discussion about our assumptions and our daily thoughts and actions, things can get uncomfortable. Once or twice in the past month, there were times where we needed to sit down together and clear up some misunderstandings between us, and I even wondered if we might break up because of them. Luckily (mostly due to Farm Boy's continued efforts and appreciation of me, combined with my enchantment with the person whom I cherish more and more as I get to know him), we are somehow still making this crazy internet romance work.

Mission: Accomplished?

2011-06-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

I told Farm Boy about my blog, and he read some posts. His reaction was favorable but nervous. He liked my writing and sense of humor, but "Is this going to be in the blog?" is what he asked every time we were together after that. Also, he remembered the "I love you" part from the previous post a little differently than I did, claiming that he had said it a day or two earlier in a different venue. I realized that he feels very strongly about our potential for long-term and doesn't want me to make light of it by writing humorously about us, no matter how anonymously, for now. I will honor his request, because, as he says, my mission here "is accomplished." We are definitely a couple and in love.

As you know, it's been very hard for me to trust my heart in matters of love. I have not always been good at seeing what is true and what is real when dealing with relationships. But I have decided to go with this and trust my feelings for this man. Since I will no longer be dating, consider me on hiatus or summer vacation until further notice. I will drop in for the occasional update to keep you informed of our progress.

Thanks to all of you for your advice and support. I would never have found him without you!

The Bevy Of Girlfriends

2011-06-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

Farm Boy continues to be a good match who still manages to surprise and delight me in many ways. One of the many things I truly enjoy about him is that he has interesting friends who seem to appreciate and respect him. He is genuinely interested in introducing me to these friends, which I love, because I find that getting to know his circle of friends is a great way to learn more about him. For instance, a week ago, at a party he hosted (I also love that he has a fabulous home in which he frequently entertains!), I got to chat with a group of his female co-workers from whom I gleaned some interesting tidbits of information. That night I learned that my boyfriend has a reputation at work as a man who has had a "bevy of girlfriends" in the past year since his divorce. I took the information in stride; after all, what better match for a woman who has rendezvoused with 55 or more Romeos in the past 3 years? Additionally, I was gratified to hear his guests agree that they thought I was the funniest of all of the women so far, and by far the happiest. I even overheard one of them tell Farm Boy later that night, "You must have that 'asking the universe for the right partner' thing perfected."
I never thought I'd be happy to be considered part of a bevy! In fact, I don't think I've ever in my life been included in anything close to a bevy of women! Here's hoping I become the final member of that group.

Love, Rapture, and Johnny Depp

2011-05-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

Halfway through the latest Pirates of The Caribbean movie, right after the Rapture failed to lift all of the good Christians up to heaven, leaving only their clothing behind in their otherwise empty theatre seats, Farm Boy leaned over and whispered "I love you" in my ear, and then he kissed me! Who needs the rapture - I went straight to seventh heaven. I had been hoping that he would eventually say those words and was eagerly anticipating hearing him say them out loud as confirmation of how our relationship was progressing, but when they finally came I was surprised and unable to respond, except to flash him a warm smile. After the movie, as he opened the passenger door of his car for me, he said the magic words again, and this time I said them back to him. We kissed, one of those sublime kisses where the world melts away and you see fireworks, and time seems to stand still. Well, at least it stood still until some teenage kids across the parking lot started whistling and cheering. We drove away, laughing and blushing, towards the restaurant for dinner. Later, on our way out to the car, we shared another kiss and he told me again how much he loves me. Once again, as if on cue, more kids began "woo-woo-ing" from across the restaurant parking lot. We decided that PDAs by old people are not appreciated in parking lots, especially by teenagers. I like to think they are simply jealous, instead of disgusted by people close to their grandparents' age demonstrating love.

It's Official

2011-05-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

Things are going very well with Farm Boy! After such a long dry spell I can't even believe that I found such a good match online. We've been in contact every day since we met and our time together continues to delight us both. I don't want to say too much more just yet, but I officially have a boyfriend!

Now I guess I'll have to tell him about this blog.

Farm Boy

2011-04-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to watch my favorite movie lately what with all of the fuss over the Royal Wedding. The video of Will and Kate saying "I do" was strikingly reminiscent of the scene in The Princess Bride where the bishop begins the rites with "Mahwwidge..." I love everything about that film.
I also love this time of year because I feel like I'm at my best when the weather warms up and flowers are blooming. Finally, a great setting for some good dates with a fun guy who treats me like a princess! He lives in a semi-rural area very near to me and has groves of trees and a beautiful garden where he raises ducks and geese and a few other animals. He's also 3 years younger than me, so I'll call him "Farm Boy."

Thanks to everyone who has been encouraging me here in the comments section, because if I hadn't persevered I would never have met him. I'm really enjoying his company and after 7 dates I feel very hopeful about the whole thing. I'll let you know how things progress. Keep your fingers crossed for romance to bloom.

Staying in Play

2011-04-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

After my last promising date, I was actually feeling quite hopeful that I'd found a decent man online. We had spent 5 hours together talking, holding hands in a movie, and sharing dinner with plans to meet again the following week. But Regular Guy was never able to talk on the phone during normal hours. I would get quick furtive texts from him at odd times with cryptic, hurried reasons why he couldn't talk to me at the moment. Once when I tried to call him I got this text: "Can't talk now- driving. Will call after dinner tonite." But he wears one of those annoying bluetooth earpieces at all times, even during our movie - isn't it safer to talk hands-free than it is to text while driving? Whatever. When he finally got back to me, it was another text at 11:30 PM saying that he was so tired, "friends" had come over for dinner, and we would talk later. It was very curt and sounded almost as if someone else had written it. That's when it hit me. Regular guy was married, or living his girlfriend, while trying to juggle as many other women on the side as he could. Granted, he's not very good at dating multiple women, which was probably what attracted me to him in the first place (the not being good at cheating I mean). Yet another reminder that the internet is full of men (and women too, I'm sure) who are not what they say they are.

After relaying this story to Mimi, I grumbled, "When will it end?" She assured me that she had asked herself the same question many times between 2006 and 2009, and advised me that "You have to stay in play or it will never end." So, that is why I have another date this weekend. The new guy sounds promising, and we have been emailing for weeks, but I'm not holding my breath. I will stay in the game by meeting him for coffee, however, because I stop and drink coffee on the weekends anyway, and I have little to lose. But like Topsy Ojo, the cute London Irish winger pictured above, says: “We must get a result to keep those hopes alive.”

I've got to get a result soon too, because I am seriously losing interest in this game.

Rainy Day Men #53 and 54

2011-03-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

Or is it 55? I've lost count actually. So Grecian Formula guy was a fail. He doesn't dye his hair, but there are so many other things going on with him that I really wish that were his only issue. Unnatural follicle pigmentation I could have lived with, but not the myriad of high-maintenance events he demonstrated in the short 2 weeks of our courtship. A simple walk on the beach is not in his vocabulary, apparently, because he required 3 shirts, sunscreen underneath the layers, the ugliest hat I've ever seen, and long pants with shoes and socks for a 15-minute stroll on the boardwalk. Poor oral hygiene combined with a huge overbite would not be a dealbreaker in and of itself either, but combined with an overly healthy ego, a penchant for assigning me work detail (why don't you come over to my house and help me sort out all of the boxes in my garage?), and a tendency to dictate what I would be doing every time we might happen to get together (you can bring over some papers to grade while I am writing my book)? Uh, no thanks to any of the above. Oh yes, there is also the tedious historical novel he's been working on for 15 years or more, which is his default topic of conversation and I suspect the reason his wife left him 5 years ago. Even so, I might have at least enjoyed our one and only date at my favorite sushi place, if he had not gotten there a half hour early and ordered for me, without waiting to see if I even wanted the flaming roll which was waiting on our table when I walked in. He felt perfectly justified using that antiquated and horrendously sexist practice, because it was imperative to him that the menus be cleared away to make room for the 4-inch binder full of clippings and pictures (from his book, of course) which he had brought along for my "entertainment." Such a lot of plans he had for our future, and not a one was appealing to me in the least. It's amazing that I even agreed to go on a date with him, but he was so friendly on the phone that I just had to see him in person.
C'est la vie and so it goes. Moving on to the next guy, who seems a little more normal. For now I'll call him Regular Guy, and we are meeting up this weekend after a 2-month exchange of emails and phone calls.

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

2011-03-04T18:53:00.000-08:00

I am back to online dating, thanks in part to a push from Mimi, who still believes, god bless her, that I am meant to find a partner who is as perfect for me as her Funny Guy is for her. I halfheartedly put up a profile again, with very low expectations this time. I may haphazardly check every week or so to see if there are any takers. Once in a great while I will actually write to someone, if I spot a man who looks halfway interesting and has no dealbreaker situations in his life (lives in an RV owned by his mother, has no job, owns 4 cats, etc.). Usually after reading the first 3 lines of the notes that I find in my inbox, I politely reply that I'm not interested but good luck to you, etc.

One or two of the men have actually caught my eye though, and I must admit that some of them even seem literate and don't write in all caps. I have been speaking to one in particular on the phone and yes, we have a date planned in the very near future. He looks different in every picture though - even his hair color seems to change from grey to dark brown as he ages. I think I'll call him Grecian Formula. I am fully prepared for the experience to be no big deal, but whatever happens, I will follow up with a post-date post, because that is my new year's resolution.

SeaCaptainDate.com!

2011-01-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

Finally, a dating site that has it all: men who know nothing about the internet and own boats! Sounds truly horrible.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to everyone! I am back to work after a nice vacation and am desperately trying to ward off the germs which seem to be everywhere I turn. I find that hand sanitizer can be very effective for this, especially the one pictured here. Effective for both men and women!

My date with the man I'll call Easy Rider was quite an underwhelming experience. He was great at texting, a little less interesting on the phone, and really disappointing in person. He had so much potential - smart, funny, and we had a lot in common. We even worked in the same field and had just missed being assigned to the same small workplace by a month some 25 years ago. He collects interesting vintage motorcycles and planned to drive his favorite one to our date, but then it rained really hard that day, and he had to drive his old Volvo instead. That, combined with his extreme shyness, made for a very dull time at the indoor/outdoor coffee shop where it was damp and freezing cold on the day we met. As hard as I tried, I could not engage him in any decent conversation there, because it was very uncomfortably wet and crowded, and he admitted that he does not do well in crowds. He asked if I would join him for dinner at a nearby Mexican restaurant and I agreed, hoping that we would be able to resume our fun banter there and pick up where our texts had left off. But that was not meant to be. The restaurant was cold and dark, and we were the only customers. This didn't bother him in the least as he again told me how much he hated crowds. That is the reason he rides motorcycles, he said - so he doesn't have to stay with the traffic when he drives. As I sat shivering and trying to read the menu in the dim light, I found myself craving a huge crowd, or even just a few dozen warm bodies, if only to remove the chill from the air. Over dinner he confessed to owning 2 dogs and 3 cats - something I had told him my allergies would not be able to tolerate - but he reasoned that we could still get together, we'd just have to meet at my place for our dates. Uh, no thank you. Luckily the service was fast and dinner was over quickly.

As we left the restaurant, the rain was still pouring down, so he turned to me inside the door and gave me a big firm handshake before we sprinted to our respective cars. I assumed that was that - until I got home, and the texts began again. At first it was, "Please let me know that you arrived safely in this rain," and then a few days later, "Have you left for your trip yet?" I had told him that I'd be out of town for a week at Christmas, and soon he was texting me every few days, asking about the weather, tourist sites, etc., trying to keep the communication door open. Some of the texts I answered, but most I ignored because he seemed to repeat the same questions again and again. After he asked, "Are you still Back East?" I replied, "You must have me confused with someone else. I have been Way Down South, in Dixie!" After replying defensively that technically, the city I was visiting was east of San Diego, he asked if he could call me when I got home. Then he sent an email asking if I wanted to go out with him the following week. I don't know what dating handbook this man has been reading, but haphazard texts are not the way to endear yourself to the fairer sex. And why ask if you can call? I really wasn't interested in him anyway, so I cut off contact via email by saying that I wished him well and good luck in his search, and that was that.

I haven't given up on love yet. I've been going out to clubs dancing, visiting wine-tasting places, and attending events for singles. I'm having an enjoyable time and still haven't ruled out finding love in 2011.

The Short Bus To Romance

2010-12-18T11:22:00.000-08:00

It seems that all of the old proverbs may have a bit of truth to them after all. Maybe all I had to do was completely accept the idea that my life is OK just as it is, and be fine with the fact that I could possibly remain single from this point on. Whatever happened - my paradigm, as they say, has up and shifted.

While I've been learning to live in the here and now, enjoying my single status, very slowly, at the edge of my consciousness, a tiny appreciation for romance has come creeping back into my heart. At a friend's Christmas party, I ran into a few men from my past. We chatted and had a good time and I felt respected and admired in their presence. No dates resulted from this encounter, but somehow it started a sea change in my heart where I began to seek out friendly exchanges with men. In just one week, I found myself involved in conversations with a total of 4, some from Meetup groups and some from other online connections. Without any fuss at all, one of them has even convinced me to join him for dinner. Here is the interesting thing about all of this: I don't feel like I need to put on a show to impress these men. I don't feel the need to prove I'm worthy to them. I find I'm able to realize my own worth, so that they are the ones who need to do the fancy footwork. Which results in them trying to impress me! I think I'm starting to get, after all these years, what this dating thing is supposed to feel like from the woman's point of view.

Never in my life (until now) have I been able to go on a first date without a lot of nervousness (well, fear, actually) that the man in question would look into my soul and zero in on all of my weaknesses, and realize that I'm not worthy of his attention. If I somehow made the cut, I'd hold my breath on each and every following date, waiting for him drop the bomb that I just didn't measure up to all of the other ladies in his life. If we kept going out beyond a few months and we somehow got involved in a relationship, then I'd lose a little interest and respect for all of them, certain that they must be majorly flawed to not see my shortcomings. Crazy, I know. An over-critical mother, a too-distant father, whatever - it has taken me a long time and much therapy to undo those old feelings of insecurity, and I'm thrilled to report that I actually look forward to this coming date in a whole new way. To some people, this probably seems like a very basic skill and no big deal, but when it comes to love, I'm on the short bus. Definitely a slow learner in the ways of romance.

Slow Blogging

2010-11-28T16:36:00.000-08:00

I had no idea that there was such a thing until I saw this link, which pretty much sums it up (especially the part about losing readers), but sometimes life happens and you're so busy living that you just can't write about it. Even though this is a dating blog, 2010 has been all about simply living with no stress about meeting potential partners. It was a shocking and somewhat painful thought at first, but somehow I've even been able to accept the idea that I could very well stay single from this point on - that I may never have another lover, partner, or husband again in this lifetime. As strange as it may seem, I have learned to be OK with the the possibility that I might have already experienced all of the relationships allotted to me by the powers that be. Since last Christmas, I've been on a quest to carefully observe what is happening in my life, and to pay attention to who I am and what is going on in the now. I decided I'd like to learn some new things and take some solo trips, and so I've enjoyed a few adventures on my own. In the process, I've really been able to slow down, look around, and appreciate things one day at a time. What a difference it has made! I've been able to open my mind and heart to all sorts of new people and ideas while becoming more comfortable in my own skin. As I am still slowly learning to enjoy things by myself, I have gained a new appreciation and gratitude for all of the men I've loved before, no matter how long our relationships lasted or how poorly they ended. I now know that I learned a lot from each and every one of them, and I wouldn't change any of those times even if I could.

I am thankful for all of the love I've had in my life.

Go Pickles...

2010-09-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

And this is why I don't do any more online dating. The internet has become a place for people who want the end result, not the romance. For me, the process of getting to know each other is absent when dating men from the internet. Courtship is now substituted by a few pages of canned questions and a couple of pictures. I've had men tell me "It's all in my profile" when, during conversation on dates, I'll ask a question about their lives. Men seem to prefer this process of not having to talk about themselves. For women, especially those who are more comfortable with communication and who require the give and take of conversation, it is a losing proposition. At least for me, anyway. After giving online dating one last try, I am officially over it.

How To Be Alone, or - "If You're Happy In Your Head, Then Solitude Is Blessed"

2010-08-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

This summer has been full of many unexpected and different sort of experiences than I had anticipated, but I so appreciate the place where my life has brought me. Perhaps my meditation practice has facilitated a shift in my consciousness, because I am now able to notice and accept things about myself, such as how I react in times of stress, sadness, happiness, etc. I also see how much I appreciate the absence of excess noise, my love for music, and being outside in nature. I realize that my previous desire to date was driven by an urge to quickly replace the former men in my life. The fear that I would be looked down upon for having been in failed relationships led me on a mission to become involved with a more suitable man within a short timeframe after each breakup. In doing so I would be able to show that I was not the one who was incapable of keeping a partner; I had simply made some bad choices. Conveniently, while I was in those relationships, and afterwards when I was dating, I was unable to focus entirely on myself. Being out of the dating world for 7 months now has forced me to get more in touch with who I really am and what I want. I find that I really enjoy being alone with myself! I can honestly say that while I still miss sex and intimacy, at this moment I am happy being the one in charge of my life. That is not to say that I don't want the love and companionship that a special man would bring to my life, it's just not a priority for me right now, and that's OK. When I'm ready for a really good man to be part of my world, it will happen. Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy myself by doing the things that make me happy.

Thank you Elisabeth Hasselbeck for letting me know how limited my options are...

2010-07-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: late blooming lesbians are just too old to snag a man (video)

So apparently I'm too old to land a relationship with a man because all of the men my age "are out chasing younger women".

According to Elizabitch, I might as well go gay.

Hands Off!

2010-06-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone is having a nice summer. For those of you who like to take matters into your own hands, I offer you this gum. I don't know if it works or even where you can buy it, but it's Fast Acting for those emergency attacks of horniness when you really want to masturbate but it would be inappropriate to do so until 6 hours have passed.

How To Get A Husband In Ohio

2010-06-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

I just love the little smirk on her face in this picture. I think that even the prospect of jail time was appealing to her. It seems that having a man in uniform come over to take you out in his black and white late-model sedan is good, but getting to spend 3 nights behind bars with him = Priceless.

Make Love, Not War

2010-05-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

If anyone is still reading this blog, I would like to sincerely apologize to you for the lack of dating and sex going on here. I wish that I could write entertaining posts for you about my adventures like last year when I was dating as many men as I could, but the fact is that I have very little desire to do that now. This is not a bad thing - in fact, many positive things have happened to me this year, and they have all helped to bring me to this place, which is a very good one.

First of all, I joined a meditation group which is satisfying my need for spiritual growth and connection. My former feelings of incompleteness because I didn't have a man in my life have begun to dissolve and I no longer feel lacking because of my "single" status. I have a newfound sense of joy as I now realize that we are all connected. As an added bonus, I also get the benefit of long, tender, heartfelt hugs from the many men in the group. Their warm embraces are extremely satisfying and much more fulfilling than the cuddling and groping I experienced during my dates last year because they are freely shared without any expectation of reciprocation.

Next, my college-age daughter has come home for the summer, and I find I'd much rather spend time with her than sit with strangers over coffee or dinner. Our reunion is especially heartfelt now since she's had a chance to be out on her own and share a house with roommates. There is nothing like a dose of the real world to give your children the chance to become suddenly appreciative of all you've done for them. We have adult conversations and then we watch movies in our pajamas while sharing our hopes and dreams with each other. It's the best time we've ever had together. I cherish and appreciate her much more than ever, if that is even possible. There are so many things we have to catch up on that it will take the whole summer to do even half of them.

Finally, the weather is beautiful here. After so much rain this year it is green everywhere, flowers are blooming, and my own back yard is now my favorite place in the world to hang out. I am having great fun planting a garden with tomatoes, basil, and spinach. My daily routine includes an hour or two of weeding, raking, and tending the plants. Time flies when I'm out there and I find I don't really want to do any traveling right now. I am eagerly anticipating enjoying the fruits of my labor while relaxing on my patio all summer long enjoying life.

My happiness would be fully complete... if only I didn't miss sex so much. Knowing my track record for picking less than desirable men, I think I may have to buy one of these machines to fill the one missing piece in my life:

This lover can do it in five minutes! Like Superman!
Hmmmm...do I want the General or the Lieutenant?

My Future Sex Life

2010-04-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Everywhere you look these days you see sex scandals. Men cheating on their women with whores and floozies. Poor sad victimized wives, who either stay with their man in exchange for a lot of money, or divorce them quickly in hopes that the shame of the incident will fade so they can move on with their lives as soon as possible.

Like Sandra Bullock and Elin Woods, I was once a pitiful victim of cheating. A few years ago I discovered that my long term partner had not only been carrying on with prostitutes, but he had been hiring them for his son as well. I learned that he had been involved in group sex with both men and women on several occasions. I was freshly devastated and humiliated each time a new piece of the sordid story unfolded. How awful for celebrities to have the added torture of having the whole world watch and comment on their disappointment and pain.

Internalizing his betrayal, I believed that my then-boyfriend's actions were a direct reflection of his total disregard for my feelings. I immediately sought professional help, wondering just what kind of idiot I had been to be duped by his lies, and agonized over what I had done to attract such a horrible uncaring person into my inner circle.

Of course I know now that it wasn't about me at all; the root of the problem lies within the narcissistic man who seeks sexual thrills outside of his supposed monogamous relationship. Without exception, all of these cheaters insist that they love their wives more than anyone in the world. They say that they hate themselves for what they have done, but they just couldn't stop their behavior. They have major issues for which they'll check in to sex addiction rehab, but only if and when they are caught. Only then will they try to take responsibility for hurting their friends and family, taking crazy risks, and thinking only of themselves. Sometimes they are able to convince their women to take them back, but I'm not the kind of woman who gives second chances to men who knowingly hurt me.

In my experience, if presented with an opportunity to have sex with attractive women who are not their partners, most men are unwilling or unable to say no, regardless of their commitments. And apparently there is a never-ending supply of women who are willing to have sex with "unavailable" men. Since I refuse to be in a relationship with a cheater and I currently have trust issues with men, there are very few options left for me in the romance department. I could stop dating altogether and therefore never have sex again, or I could find a married man to have sex with. Oh wait, that would make me a cheater too...

It seems that the outlook is very bleak for my future sex life.

The Story Of My Life...

2010-03-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

Virtual Dating?

2010-03-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

It looks so serene and beautiful that I want to go here for Spring Break. Where is it? It's a new dating site which allows you to experience virtual meetups before your real encounters, as a way of eliminating all of those annoying emails and phone calls where you might have to (eek!) verbally communicate with each other. So how exactly does having a floating date with a mysterious stranger in an eerie deserted nirvana-world devoid of any other life forms allow you to get to know each other? The people at Weopia.com don't really explain that part, but they do claim that spending 20 minutes together here beats weeks of online messaging, and that the chances of your real-life date being successful will double if you use it. I don't know how much they are charging, but I think I'll pass.

Is it just me or do their virtual butts look a little weird?

The Extremely Long Hiatus

2010-03-11T16:51:00.000-08:00

How to Write an Online Dating Profile -- powered by eHow.com

I'm still on my extended break from dating. There is a section on the search page of Match called "Newest Match Members," which displays the profiles of the last 20 or so guys who have decided to try their luck at getting laid meeting women online. When I read what they have to say and look at their pictures, I can't bring myself to pay a fee for the privilege of belonging to the same club as them. The fact is, none of those men look as if they are trying very hard to impress. Their writing and social skills are pathetic, but maybe they prefer it that way, so our expectations of them will remain low. I think that the majority of them are not there to find long term relationships anyway, or else they would have put a lot more time and effort into creating better profiles.

It has been almost 5 months since my last date. Saying that makes me feel like I am in confession, where the priest will probably give me a penance of two Our Fathers and three Hail Marys after I own up to being intentionally celibate and dateless. I suppose part of me does feel a little guilty for this sin, because I have been enjoying myself - a lot - by going out with girlfriends, taking classes, and getting massages and facials instead of spending hours making awkward small talk with strange men in coffee shops and restaurants. I find that I have much more fun when I can be my authentic self, laughing and relaxing, without having to explain my past, my must-haves and dealbreakers, or my work history, as if I'm on some job interview. It's been a long time since I met a man who noticed me in a crowded room and came over to talk because he thought I seemed like a great person to be with, but that's the kind of man I want - not someone who sits in front of his computer staring at women's pictures all night (because you know they aren't even reading the profiles).

Same Old Same Old

2010-02-21T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have been going out with female friends every weekend and have met some interesting and attractive men. Although none of them have asked me for a date, I'm having a great time and it feels good to be going out, having fun and just being myself. The longer I wait to sign up again, the more I realize I'm not missing the dating sites one bit. Occasionally I'll search them, looking for new faces, but I find mostly the same old men with the same old photos from 3 years ago. I know most of these mens' histories and I have already read their tired profiles, which none of them have bothered to update.

I've signed up for a few classes this month and find that I am pretty busy with my new activities. I'm much more comfortable at this point getting to know what I am all about, rather than sitting through coffee dates listening to strangers tell me what they are like.

Blind Date

2010-02-08T06:27:00.000-08:00

On Thursday afternoon I got a voicemail from Emma, the dental hygenist-cum-matchmaker. She advised me to check my email, and with a sly smile in her voice, said, "I think you will have a good weekend." Sure enough, within the hour, Smiley emailed me, and we set a date for lunch on Sunday. Later that night we spoke on the phone.

He had warned me before calling that he had a bit of a southern drawl. I told him I had cousins from Texas and that wouldn't bother me a bit. We chatted about our dentist, the women in her office, and how I had never been on a blind date before in my life. I asked if we should exchange pictures so we'd be able to recognize each other, but he said he'd rather keep it truly blind (points for being spontaneous with a sense of adventure!). I told him I have red hair, and he said he would be wearing a brown leather jacket. With his thick Texan accent and the idea of the brown coat (would it have fringe on it like the one Clint Eastwood wore in Rawhide?) I decided to change his name to Tex.

I found that blind dates are much less stressful than online dates, especially beforehand. There are no statistics to pore over, no pictures to scrutinize, and far fewer expectations. It was nice knowing that neither of us had any preconceived notions about the other, except for the fact that a mutual acquaintance thought that we might enjoy each other's company. I knew that he was 7 or 8 years older than me, and I hoped I would find him as handsome as the ladies from the dental office seemed to (I am not usually attracted to older men).

When I entered the restaurant, I heard him call my name, and after my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, I saw an older gentleman with jowls wearing a leather Members-Only jacket approaching me with his hand extended. In no way at all did he resemble the burly Clint Eastwood type which Emma had described to me. He then moved in for an awkward hug. Right away I'm sure we both knew that this was not going to be a match. For me, it was the jacket that sealed it. The only people I know who wear those are my son and his 20-something friends, who buy them at thrift stores and wear them as a vintage fashion statement, or old men who've been sporting them since the 1980s, unable or unwilling to update to something more courant. Neither of these 2 groups of men are in my preferred dating range. I don't mean to sound picky - that jacket in itself would by no means be a dealbreaker if the guy had a great personality and sense of humor, but with Tex it seemed to exemplify his character as a dour old man.

Regardless of our age and fashion differences, we had a pleasant lunch and we found a lot to talk about. He has a daughter who is a year younger than mine, so we spent most of the time sharing stories about them and the challenges and joy they bring to our lives. At one point he had to go out to his car to get his glasses, and when he returned, he explained that the day after he turned 50, everything in his body went immediately downhill. Somehow, after that, all I could think of was the Viagra he probably had to take to get things going uphill again, and it was not a pleasing mental image. Needless to say, he did not pass the naked test.

When I got home, I emailed my dentist and thanked her for thinking of me. I asked her to please keep trying and that soon I'm sure her matchmaking skills will be as sharp as the drill she uses to file my teeth. Regardless of the outcome, this date was so much more enjoyable than most online dates, because it felt like a sincere connection. We have friends in common, and because of that we were probably much more polite and forgiving of our failure to meet each other's needs as a romantic partner. There was no empty feeling of defeat as I drove home. If Tex and I happen to meet again in some public place, I have no doubt that we will exchange warm greetings and maybe another awkward hug. I like that kind of human bond. I plan to tell everyone I know about this experience in the hope that they might be able to set me up on some more blind dates.

A New Attitude

2010-02-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

I've been kind of in a dark place since the holidays. Far from being in the mood to date, I figured I'd do some work on myself - diet, exercise, and maybe even see a shrink to help get back to where I could look forward to going out and meeting people again.

While searching for a good Jewish shrink (the only way to go according to Mimi of SATC), I discovered that there are many of them in the area, and they specialize in all kinds of problems. But how to find one tailored to my needs? Should I google "Good Jewish psychiatrists in San Diego area who specialize in dating failures over 50?" Or maybe, "Shrinks who can advise me how to stop attracting unavailable men?" With the help of friends I found some leads, only to be told that my insurance wouldn't cover any of their fees. Unable and unwilling to foot the bill all by myself, I ended up having long talks with my landscaper, Ed. Our heart to heart chats began when we discovered that we had both been seeing the same therapist (a woman who was covered by my health plan). Although our shared therapist had determined that he is now stable enough to see her on an as-needed, emergency-only basis, Ed found that he really missed being able to articulate the ins and outs of his post-divorce life and the difficulties of maintaining an even relationship with his new girlfriend. The sunny weather of late gave us an opportunity to pour our hearts out to each other while planting bulbs in my garden. Maybe what I really needed after all was just some male perspective and a sympathetic ear. After a few sessions with him, which cost me nothing (except for his regular monthly gardening fee), I am feeling a lot more focused and clear about life in general.

In addition to my garden therapy, I have been working on getting rid of the anger I've been carrying around for a long time. Even though it's been 10 years, I'd never completely forgiven my ex for leaving his kids and me to marry another woman. Three years after that, she left him, and I was filled with righteous indignation and glee that it didn't work out between them. Last month, my daughter gave me the news that her dad is going to get married once again. My first impulse was to be outraged at the unfairness of life. Why should he have 2 women willing to marry him when I have not yet found one good man to love since we split? Don't I deserve as much, or even more happiness than him? Instead of giving in to these feelings, I took a deep breath, and meditated on letting him go. I (grudgingly) wrote him an email saying that I truly wished him well, and finally put him out of my mind. Then the most interesting thing happened. A few days later, I found that I actually did wish him well, and suddenly I felt much lighter, knowing that the resentment I'd been holding on to all of those years had been lifted. I know this sounds like a cliche, but it really was that easy.

Best of all, I may have a date with a real live guy in the near future! I have been asking all of my friends for years to fix me up with their single guy friends, but nothing ever came of it until I thought to ask my dentist. Actually, it was her hygenist, Emma, who picked this man for me. Earlier this week "Smiley" asked them if they had any female patients around his age who might be interested in meeting him, and she immediately thought of me. When I went in for my cleaning today, the office was abuzz with excitement. I asked if they had any pictures of him. All they had were xrays of his teeth, which Emma happily showed me, verifying that he still had his original 32. Um, OK... good to know. According to her, he is tall, very handsome, and carries a few extra pounds on his frame. Fine with me - I like men who have some meat on their bones. She took my email address and said she would call me as soon as she'd given it to him. I have no idea what will come of this. All four women in the dental office felt sure that he would follow through. I'll believe it when I get the email. Nevertheless, I've got a new outlook on life, and I'm feeling pretty good today!

Old Boyfriends

2010-01-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

Sitting in my comfy overstuffed chair in front of a warm fire on Martin Luther King Jr. day while the rain tapped a comforting cadence on my roof, I had an epiphany of sorts. Of all of the men who have sat in that chair in the past 10 years, not one of them was as good as the moment I was having all by myself. None of them came close to deserving the time I gave up to be with them and the happiness I put on hold waiting for them to grow up/come around/commit to me. If I had to, I could be perfectly happy living all by myself.

Oh, eventually I'll go back online, if only to have some more stories to blog about. But I think I've lost my sense of urgency for finding "the one." Maybe there isn't one for me out there, or maybe I've already met him and we missed our cue. Or, maybe I'm supposed to look within for my happiness. Whatever happens, I know I'll be fine.

Misfits or Eligible Men Online?

2010-01-10T14:32:00.000-08:00

My foray back into online dating hasn't gone very well in 2010. Rather than go back to the same old faces on Match, I signed up for Eharmony for a one-week free trial. I had forgotten about how there are men on every site who are circling like sharks, waiting to move in for the kill when new women sign up. Even though they are highly annoying with their IMs, they are easy to avoid, and soon I had my list of matches in front of me. The problem was that there were only 10 men deemed suitable for me. I widened my search area, and the number increased to 15. Not a lot of choices, seeing as Match has at least 500 in the same search parameters. I didn't like that I wasn't allowed to view most of their defining characteristics, like political affiliation and education level, not to mention number of children and whether they lived at home or not. Perhaps the men who didn't match with my preferences had already been weeded out by Eharmony, but it felt like I wasn't being given a chance to pick and choose for myself. I didn't like it and realized that part of the appeal of online dating may be the sensation that I'm shopping on Amazon or Ebay. The more choices I feel I have, the more satisfied I will be with my purchase, and the less likely I may be to return it.

Things move slow on that site. You have to follow steps in order to get to the email stage. In one week I met only two men, both unsuitable. The first, a never-married man with blue hair, rejected me after he learned that I was using an alias instead of my real first name. The second, a very sweet and sort of cute man, was unfortunately vertically challenged at five foot two inches tall. He was very cheerful and optimistic despite the fact that he is 6 inches shorter than me. He told me that most women are taller than him, and even the tiny ones want their men to be at least a few inches taller than they are. I wished him luck and cursed my tall stature and innate preference for looking up into a man's eyes which sadly limit my chances of finding a mate in this life.

Sadly, the brief experience I had during my free eHarmony trial (I decided not to join) only served to reinforce the idea presented in the comment thread under my last post: "The idea that they are "misfits" and that men on dating sites are somehow inferior or weird or socially inept..."
Since I've had very little experience in meeting real live men, I have to wonder if the intense screening, background checks, and continued monitoring of men I've dated was necessary only because they came from the internet. Are the online sites really filled with flawed men who have been spoiled by the ease of not having to get dressed up and go out into public to meet women, or are all the single men my age unwilling or unable to maintain a longterm relationship? How do you determine if the ones you meet in real life are any better when they are impossible to find?

Resolution

2010-01-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

I will get back out there and meet a better class of men in 2010. If only my ex-husband were a lawyer and looked like Alec Baldwin, or I could afford to add a wing onto my house and my architect looked like Steve Martin in the movie It's Complicated, I'd be out having a great time right now. But my life hardly ever imitates this kind of movie. If it did, then I wouldn't have to sign up for another term on Match in order to get a date. Seeing the same old faces online and reading the same old lies again feels like a jail sentence to me. There has got to be a better way to meet nice, normal, unattached men! Funny Guy assures me that half of humanity is not rotten to the core, and my resolution is to find one or two of them this year. Any ideas on how to do that?

The Telltale Texts

2009-12-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

With trembling hands I pressed the "received calls" button. It's not so much that I was nervous about being caught in the act (I'd know exactly when he was about to awaken because his loud snuffling and wheezing would stop). Mostly I was filled with a horrible dread over what I might be about to discover. Years ago, I'd happened upon an email filled with compromising information about my then-boyfriend, and there is a part of me that can still feel the ice-cold jolt of pain that cut through my heart and literally knocked the wind out of me as I read about his infidelities that day. Squinting with apprehension, I watched the small screen of CB's phone fill up with a list of calls.

There was nothing incriminating there: several calls from me, his kids, his mom, and some local unnamed numbers. I breathed a sigh of relief. So far so good. I switched to "dialed calls" next. More random numbers, a bunch of 411 calls (his monthly bill must be pretty high - those calls can add up), then my name and more of his family members appeared. But wait! as I scrolled down, I saw two calls from the day before - to "JoAnn," the drunken ex! And several more calls to her, each day before that, going back as far as the phone's history would allow. Worse, mixed in with the outgoing calls to her, other women's names came up as well: Trudi, Barbie, Khloe - sexy-sounding names I'd never heard mention of before, and definitely not family members. CB had made all of these calls very late in the evening, after 11PM or midnight. This new development just didn't coincide with the tired schlubby 53 year-old virgin sleeping noisily just 10 feet away from me. My knuckles were white now and my blood pressure felt like it was through the roof. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and was suddenly afraid of what else I might find, but there was no stopping now. I knew I had to look at his texts next, but which to read first? Sent, or received?

I pressed "messages" and the inbox popped up, so I read the incoming texts first. Apparently JoAnn, the drunken ex, preferred phone calls, because there was nothing from her. But "Barbie" had sent him numerous texts filled with abbreviations, emoticons, and many exclamation marks in the style of a teenage girl. Exactly how old was she? I read hers first, in reverse order. I detected a thread about his Christmas party, with many messages asking CB what she should wear and how should she fix her hair: in an "up-do" or "soft and swirly?" WTF? I clearly recalled the conversation about our respective work holiday parties, and how he'd told me sadly that due to the economy, his company was not having one this year. And now I was reading that he took her to his Christmas party last Friday night, the same night that he said he was working late and his phone had died, so he couldn't call me on the way home like he usually did!?! Next came the part about the intimate Christmas gift exchange between the two of them. Barbie was thanking him for the Tantric book, noting that it was full of sexy pictures, and she couldn't wait to read it. OMFG. I switched over to "sent" messages and read his replies to her. About the book, he wrote, "I bought it for us, sweetie!" I glanced over at the hideous painting he'd just given me - the lying, cheating, sack of shit. I had half a mind to break it over his ugly head, but I read on instead.

Next I read the messages sent to "Trudi," who's obviously married. "Is Bruno home?" and "Has Bruno left yet?" comprised the gist of most of his texts to her. Presumably after those, they either met in person or spoke on the phone. So many texts, but suddenly I just didn't have the stomach for any more. I never even got as far as "Khloe." The lousy drooling mess sprawled across my loveseat looked sloppier and more pathetic by the minute, and by now I truly hated the sight of him. I just wanted him gone, gone from my house and gone from my life. I walked over, shook him, and said, "You need to leave now." He came awake with a start, saw the look on my face, and asked, "What's wrong, sweetie?" "That's not my name!" I told him, disgusted by his douchebag ladies'-man technique of calling all of his girlfriends by the same pet nickname.

He got up and moved in to give me a hug. I asked him to please clarify for me one last time whether or not we were in an exclusive sexual relationship. He swore up and down that I was the only woman in his life. Why do men continue to lie even when they know they are found out? I pushed him away and told him to leave and that I never wanted to see him again. I didn't want to have a conversation about what I knew; I just wanted him gone. He said he deserved an explanation at least (the asshole son of a bitch really just wanted to find out how much I knew so he could try to explain away whatever dirt I might have on him). But I'd been there before and had already heard all of the "I didn't plan this; it just happened" and "it was all her idea" excuses from another man. I wasn't interested in catching him in any more lies, nor was I even curious about the details (although I can't even imagine what kind of juggling act it must take to carry on with other partners when he's with me 3 or 4 nights a week). In the end I pointed to his phone and said I'd seen that he had been lying to me about talking to "JoAnn," and it was over between us. He had a stupid, helpless, deer-in-the-headlights look on his face which I recognized from that time when the drunken ex had freaked out after seeing him with me, back when I should have listened harder to my intuition.

I wish I could report that he got his things, said he was sincerely sorry that he had hurt me, and left with a tiny shred of dignity intact. But the CB isn't a man with enough integrity, balls, or conscience to make an exit like that. Instead, he proceeded to beg, bargain, and blame his indiscretions on her. After a few minutes, I told him that if what he'd just been saying were in fact the truth, he should be able to call her up right now, in front of me, and tell her all of the things he'd just told me: he was just helping her through a lonely time, he had no feelings for her, and she needed to stop trying to seduce him and just go away. Predictably, he refused, saying that he would have to have that conversation in private, in his own time. "We're done," I repeated, "you will be on your way - now." As he shuffled out the door, I looked back at the table and saw that he'd left behind the brandy I'd given him. Good. I thought what a nice picture that would make for someone to paint: Still life with snifter.

(Stilllife courtesy of annyash 760)

The Gift Exchange

2009-12-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

The CB wanted to see me before leaving town, so I invited him over for dinner. Wanting to keep things warm and Christmasy, I postponed addressing my dilemma about his less than loving feelings for me. Nor was I planning on bringing up my disappointment over being left out of his family gathering. I'd decided to just let things ride between us for now and enjoy a pleasant evening exchanging gifts before he departed. Hopefully he would do some serious thinking about us on the long drive and realize how important I really am to him. If not, then I'd break up with him.

After shopping for a gift that wouldn't seem too intimate, I settled on a nice bottle of brandy for him. It was decoratively packaged along with two small snifters, and it seemed appropriately neutral. I was relieved that I hadn't chosen anything more personal than alcohol after unwrapping the present he gave me: a framed watercolor of some sunflowers. I tried to summon up a few words of appreciation, but frankly I was speechless. I don't know what unromantic sentiment or lack of artistic sense moved him to choose this particular picture, but it doesn't go with anything I have anywhere in my house nor does it even remotely resemble something I'd ever choose for myself. In fact, it is so definitely not my taste that my daughter determined it to be a regift when she laid eyes on it the next day. I thanked him politely anyway, because it's the thought that counts, and then we ate dinner. Afterwards, we sat by the fire, listened to music, and talked.

CB said he was exhausted from working late all week and seemed sincerely grateful that I took the time to cook such a nice meal for him. We discussed our kids, what we were getting them for Christmas, his trip north and where he'd be staying, and our plans for New Year's Eve. Intuition prompted me to inquire about his crazy drunken ex-girlfriend, JoAnn. I'd noticed that he had been more distant and "busy" than usual; he seemed sort of preoccupied and tired all the time now. Something was obviously distracting him, so I casually asked if he had heard from her lately. He told me he hadn't had any contact with her at all and really didn't expect to hear anything. She was definitely out of his life, and good riddance to her, etc. etc. After we sipped some of his brandy and kissed a little, he began to doze off in the comfy overstuffed chair next to the warm fireplace. This had been happening all too frequently lately - instead of sex, he'd simply fall asleep at bedtime. Six weeks' time is way too early for the honeymoon to be over in my opinion, and I was annoyed. Once again I had to admit to myself that this romance had gone from good to bad in a very short time.

Soon he was in a deep sleep and snoring very loudly, so I got up and sat at the table to check emails on my laptop. His keys, wallet, and cell phone were lying nearby where he'd left them, and it was then that I made up my mind. I would open his phone and see for myself exactly who he had been calling and texting besides me for the past few weeks. I know that this is the kind of desperate action that only a jealous wife would take, but as his exclusive romantic partner, no one could deny that I had every right to know if he were seeing (or doing) someone else. And if I found nothing out of the ordinary, then maybe there was still a tiny shred of hope that his feelings for me would grow and even blossom given time. Either way, I had absolutely nothing to lose...

The Steve Harvey Test

2009-12-21T22:54:00.000-08:00

I read this book by Steve Harvey a while ago and wrote about how it provided a handy barometer I could use to measure men's intentions. If you have read that post, then you know that I believe the two questions he suggests you should ask the man in your life are valuable and probably worth the price of the book.

The Cunning Bilingualist and I have been intimate and affectionate with each other while having a jolly old time dating these past few months, but I realized the other day that I'd never asked him Mr. Harvey's two very important questions. It had completely slipped my mind, probably because he revealed his intentions to me right away and things seemed so perfect between us, and besides, he'd already gotten "the cookie." There was no reason to ask, because he had told me early on how he felt, and that seemed satisfactory to me at the time. Also, now that the holidays are here and he has relatives visiting, I had other, more pressing questions. I wanted to ask him when I'd get to meet his people. I knew that he had told his kids about me, and I had also told mine about him as well, but we didn't get a chance to get together at Thanksgiving due to our travel plans. This holiday he will travel to visit his kids, and mine will be coming here to visit me, so we will miss each other once again. But other family members of his will be in town before he leaves, and I wanted to know if and when we would meet, and how he would introduce me to them. Would he say, "This is my 'friend' Juliette," or, "I'd like you to meet my girlfriend," or would he leave a title off completely and introduce me by name and let them figure it out?

A few days ago, the CB had a visit from his brother and sister-in-law. They came to town unexpectedly on a Saturday, the same day that he had previously invited me over for a barbeque in the afternoon. I got a voicemail from him at noon informing me that he was on his way to a restaurant with his relatives. They would be staying until late afternoon, so he apologetically informed me that our barbeque would have to be postponed until another day. His brother had offered to lend a hand with some landscaping, and he wanted to take advantage of the extra help. He didn't ask me to come meet them for lunch, which was understandable, since I was at the hairdresser's, but I assumed that when I was finished, he would invite me over. I was looking forward to it, glad that my hair would be fresh from the stylist and looking its best. I was eager to make their acquaintance, since I'd heard plenty of stories about them. I figured that we would get together for drinks or tea since our dinner plans were so abruptly canceled. But when I returned his call, CB and his brother were working outside trimming trees, and it didn't cross his mind to invite me over. He did mention some drama with the sister-in-law (who apparently can be very controlling), but there was no invitation to stop by, not even briefly just to say hi. Needless to say, I was surprised and not a little disappointed. Instead of voicing my confusion then and there, I resolved to ask him the two Steve Harvey questions as soon as possible, to determine just exactly where I stood with this man. Maybe I had missed some important cue, since we were clearly not on the same page (I had already met his mother, who lives with him, but obviously some family members are more important than others to him)? Perhaps it really was a bad time to meet them that day. Or maybe he just didn't have the right kind of feelings for me, and I wasn't important enough to him to be introduced to his only brother. I needed answers fast.

Finally, while sitting face to face at dinner a few days later, I got the chance to ask him Steve Harvey's two questions. CB's first answer was excellent and reassuring. What he thought of me was all good, very complimentary, and reinforced what I already knew to be true. I gave him positive strokes for sharing, and he agreed that it was good for us to be talking about this, because although we conversed a lot on our first date, neither of us really remembers much of what was said that night, since we were both in the moment and digesting the fact that we had a lot of chemistry between us. I braced myself before asking question #2. He had already said that he loved me late one night in bed as he was drifting off to sleep. He writes it in texts and emails to me and says it on my voicemail frequently, but face-to-face, not so much. Now that I thought about it, I realized he had never looked directly in my eyes and spoken those 3 words in broad daylight. I had no idea what answer he'd give, but I felt that I'd know if he was telling the truth. Then I asked him, and it seems that what he feels about me boils down to this: he feels that I'm comfortable to be around, fun to be with, and he's happy that he found me, but there was no mention of love, or anything even close to words you would find in a thesaurus if you looked it up. I had already told myself to stay cheerful and keep a smile on my face no matter what he said, so I thanked him for being honest, and we chatted on. I did not let on how disheartening it was to hear that answer, because I wasn't sure what action I would take if this happened (I knew in my heart it was a strong possibility after not being invited to meet his only sibling). We carried on our conversation as if nothing of importance had just occurred, but for me, everything had instantly changed, and not for the good.

Certainly I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with a man who isn't in love with me. I know that "friends with benefits" can work for some people, but not me, not in a long-term relationship, which is what we had both agreed we wanted. Still, this man is a decent lover, and we've had some good times. He is close by and convenient, and I know I'll always have a date on Saturday nights if I keep him around. He likes me, thinks I'm smart and funny, but he's just not in love with me. Yet. Would I be a fool to break up with him right before Christmas? We have plans for New year's Eve! And what about his Christmas present? I originally bought him a gift certificate for a massage, but that seems a little too intimate now, knowing how he doesn't feel about me. I'll have to find a more generic gift, something you'd give a good friend, not a lover. He'll be out of town for a week, so I don't need to take any action yet, but our relationship is clearly not what I imagined it to be a few days ago. Strangely, I'm not sad or as depressed about this as I should be. I had almost fallen for him, was loving being with him, but if I were truly in love, wouldn't I be more upset over this? Other than hating the idea of going back on Match, I'm clearly not devastated by the news that he's not head over heels in love with me. In fact, due to the increased attention I'm receiving from other men now, maybe it could work to my advantage to keep dating him until I find someone better. What if we just stayed together in spite of this discovery? Would our feelings for each other grow? Could I tolerate a relationship where we both have only mild feelings for each other? Kind of a love 'lite'? Hmmmmm...I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Stay tuned for part II.

When It Rains, It Pours

2009-12-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

There is something about being in a new relationship that must make us more attractive to the opposite sex. I spent most of this past summer actively seeking male attention out in the real world to no avail, but now that I am involved with the Cunning Bilingualist, I am suddenly getting attention from all kinds of men. Is there a visible "good sex" vibe, or is it just the season for men to become more interested in dating? It's ironic that now that I'm no longer seeking them, available men seem to be coming out of the woodwork.

The first time, it took me nearly an hour to realize what was happening. I was on Thanksgiving vacation with my kids in Northern California at a hot springs resort when a nice-looking man my age struck up a conversation with me in the warm pool. He continued to chat me up until I realized that he was starting to monopolize my time and take my attention away from my family. I excused myself, explaining my priority to him, all the while wondering why I couldn't get this kind of attention from attractive men when I visited there last summer, actively seeking out encounters of that kind.

Shortly after that, the Writer called me up out of the blue, ostensibly to "say hi and catch up," but in reality trying to round up some female company to enjoy during the holidays. I'm sure that I wouldn't have gone out with him even if I weren't dating the CB, but it felt good to tell him that I had met someone really nice and that I was not currently looking to go out with other men. It was a satisfying conversation, for me at least, because it confirmed what I had concluded about him a year ago; he's a talker, not a doer. When I asked him if he had finished his book yet, the answer (unsurprisingly) was no, he still needed to edit a few final chapters, and he had a deadline of the end of December (the very same as a year ago!). When I asked him if he was dating anyone (I had noticed that his profile disappeared from Match a few months ago), he said yes, he had met someone a while back, but he supposed that things had sort of faded with her by now. In other words, he did the disappearing act on her too. Finally, he said that he had been in a car accident and had gotten whiplash, his excuse for not doing anything at all last year. What a piece of work. How did I ever fall for his BS when I met him last October?

A few days later, I received a nice long text message from Tall Man, who originally contacted me last summer. We had met on Match and exchanged emails and one phone conversation. Our first call became our last when I discovered that he was still living with his wife and was neither separated nor divorced from her. I told him I wouldn't be interested until he was done with his divorce. His text informed me that he was now living alone and the divorce would be final in less than two months. He said he would really like to meet for a glass of wine if I were so inclined.

Since things are still flourishing with the CB, I was not tempted by any of the above offers, but it made me wonder if the advice my friend Mitch gave me might possibly hold a shred of truth. He told me, "When you stop looking, that's when you find love". I have a hard time believing it can be that simple. I prefer to think that it's the "happy and satisfied" vibe that is causing men to notice me now.

Meanwhile, things continue to blossom between the CB and me. It's been 7 weeks since our first date. We talk every single day and we get together 2 or 3 times a week. Our dates continue to be fun and exciting. He still snores, but since he only lives 5 minutes away, one of us can get up and drive home to our own bed if we need to be up early the next day. We have plans to be together during the holidays. So far, I have no reason to look any further for a good man.

How To Avoid The Swine Flu

2009-12-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

Or, you could just share germs and be sick together...

The 53 Year Old Virgin

2009-11-23T19:00:00.000-08:00

The Cunning Bilingualist is turning out to be a great match for me. He's happy and smart and funny, and knows a lot about things I don't, like making delicious sandwiches, how to fix things, and other left-brain fiscal stuff about which I am clueless. He is a solid kind of guy who has excellent taste, knows what he likes, and continues to make sure that I stay aware of just how much he likes me. I am totally enjoying being with him too! So far, except for his snoring at night, we are having a great time together.

CB was curious about the meditation class I'm taking, so I invited him to come with me one evening. He disclosed that he had no clue what as to what it was all about, but had a desire to learn something new. Basically, he didn't know the difference between a mantra and a chakra. I told him that made him a spiritual virgin, which is pretty rare, having been born and raised in Southern California. How is it even possible to live in San Diego and never be exposed to spiritual terms like those? He could learn a few things from me and vice versa.

Since he's a man who has the best of intentions with me, he volunteered to go to the county health clinic for std testing before we shared certain bodily fluids. If you have been reading this blog, you know how symbolic and important to me this ritual is. I was overjoyed at his enthusiasm. We attended together and not only was it a really fun outing, it was quite a learning experience for him. We arrived in the evening hours to a mostly empty waiting room. We were each handed a clipboard with several attached questionnaires to fill out and a number which would be called by the doctor to preserve our anonymity. The "sexual history" form was long and very personal. I had been to this particular clinic 5 years ago with a man whom I dated for three years, and then to a different branch with the Writer last year, so the answers came to me pretty quickly, as the forms still looked vaguely familiar. I noticed that he was taking quite a lot of time filling out his forms thoughtfully and carefully. At one point he whispered to me, "I want to know what you answered for number 4." I looked back a few pages. Number 4 asked how many sexual partners you'd had in your lifetime. I showed him my answer: 10, which was admittedly a low estimate. He shared that his total was lower than mine. I asked how he could be so good at sex with so few partners in his life. He smiled and said that it wasn't the number of partners that makes a man a good lover, it's how many times he has satisfied each of those women. That's the kind of answer that appeals to me - the very thing that Johnny Depp would have answered in one of my favorite movies, Don Juan DeMarco. I melted. But it didn't stop me from teasing him further about being a virgin. Later on, in the examination room, the nurse was asking me some more intimate questions.

Nurse - "Have you ever gone out of the country

for 3 days or more

and had sex more than once?"

Me - "No, but I'd like to sign up for that!"


Nurse (laughing) "I think they are trying to establish

if you are promiscuous"

Me - (starting to wonder if I'm somehow flagged now

because of my 3 visits in 5 years)...

My Last Online Date...

2009-11-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

for now.
I almost made it to 53 dates, but I bailed on Mr. Pompous on the day of our meeting, and as you can probably tell from his nickname, I wasn't at all sorry to see him go. The man who has finally won my undivided attention is my 51st date, the Cunning Bilingualist. I noticed that he had taken his profile down a week ago, after a nice long talk in which we both described what we wanted - a relationship with just one person, someone we could respect, enjoy, admire, and feel attracted to. I was still sorting out my feelings about his drunken ex (who appears to be out of his life for good according to all evidence I could find), and working on getting over a nasty cold, after determining that I didn't have the H1N1 virus. I was so busy at work that I could only take one day off to rest, and finally, I attended a seminar which lasted the entire weekend. Through all of this, the CB stood patiently by, waiting for me, pampering me, and leaving me to rest when I needed it. He was gentle and loving, and somehow he made me understand that he loved being with me, even when I was decidedly not at my best. He then took a day off work to spend quality time with me and to have The Conversation about our future and what he wanted: not just sex with me, but a relationship with me. After carefully watching and listening to him for 3 weeks, I believe it's true. And I want the same with him, so now my profile is down as well.

(...He's like champagne and fireworks and Valentine's day all wrapped up in one!) Most importantly, though: he didn't stop calling and writing, or suddenly become "too busy" to get together after spending the night with me. So far, so good. Here's hoping that this is the real deal.

How Much Baggage Is Too Much?

2009-11-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

Baggage: The shit people go into relationships with, ie, kids, addictions, diseases, etc. (from Urban Dictionary). Emotional baggage, having to do with not being on friendly terms with their children and/or parents, has been a common occurrence in the men I've met online. Mostly I've been able to avoid these men rather than getting involved with their shit.

Lately I've been wondering if baggage also includes crazy ex-partners. Those people in your past who you just can't reconcile with the you in the now. The wild cards. If so, I would have to say that my biggest carry-on is the creepy ex boyfriend who harassed me and then stalked me for over a year after I broke up with him. I never mention him to my dates, because, like Rihanna recently admitted, even though you are not the one who did the crazy, a lot of pain and shame comes from imagining how the relationship will reflect on you as an individual. The thought that people might judge us by how horrible our exes look or act is very scary, as is the realization that we have fallen in love with someone who is capable of being that ugly and despicable.

Is it fair to judge a person based upon someone with whom they were involved before we came into their life? I hate to admit it, but I do it, even though I certainly wouldn't want anyone to judge me by my ex husband, for example. His looks have gone far downhill from the man I married 30 years ago. He is depressed and bitter, a mere shell of his former self. I would never be even remotely attracted to either his looks or his personality in the present, and I wouldn't be able to stand it if anyone looked at him and thought less of me for having been with him in the past.

It turns out that I am quite the hypocrite - I judged the Cunning Bilingualist rather harshly by the sight of his ex girlfriend, whom I happened to get a very unflattering view of, and didn't speak to him for a day because of the emotions the encounter brought up in me. I just couldn't get past how pathetic she seemed, and yes, I admit that I thought less of him because of who she appeared to be. Not only was she not very attractive and very unkempt, but she was also slurring her words and obviously drunk. She was clearly devastated that he had moved on from her and had his arm around me at the time.

I hurried off and left them there, needing time to think. Had being involved with an alcoholic been a lesson he needed to learn, or was it a pattern with him? What if the proverbial shoe had been on the other foot, and we had encountered one of my past lovers? Does everybody have a person that they aren't very proud of in their past? Should he have told me about her before this happened? It was our 4th date, but we'd only known each other a short time - less than 2 weeks. I hadn't told him about any of my exes and their dysfunctional lives, but I'm pretty sure none of those guys would have been that unhappy to see me enjoying another man's company.

In the end I gave him the opportunity to take me out on another date, mostly because I didn't observe any inappropriate emotional reaction or drama from him during the encounter with his ex, and I found out that they had broken up 7 months ago. We discussed our perceptions and much more, and have been able to talk about past mistakes and hurts, and our desire to be in healthy, dynamic relationships. We have had 6 dates now, and I'm not disappointed at all about my decision to rethink my previous dismay and unease. It's produced a feeling of openness and honesty between us unlike any that I've experienced before. I've learned so much more about myself because of knowing him, and that feels very good.

Date #52: The Widower, or "Why Don't You Take A Picture, It'll Last Longer..."

2009-11-01T12:16:00.000-08:00

When the Widower winked at me I saw that his profile stipulated that he wanted an "athletic and toned" woman. I wrote back straight away saying that we wouldn't be a match, because I'm not now, nor have I ever claimed to be especially athletic, or even particularly toned. He immediately retracted, claiming that he wrote that years ago, and it's not true anymore, and my pictures looked really great to him, yada yada.

His profile said he was 61. During our date, while we were sharing details of our college years and work experience, he suddenly admitted that he's actually 66, explaining that it was getting increasingly harder for him to keep adding 5 years to all the dates in his head, so he needed to come clean. The thing is, he didn't look too bad for a 61-year old, except for a decided stoop to his shoulders and a slight limp in his walk. For a guy who was so obviously hung up on physique and body types, he must have felt that he needed to compensate for his shortcomings by dating fitness coaches. This isn't the first time that an older date's profile has insisted that he's "fit and active," listing all of the activities he does to keep in shape "5 times a week," only to be sort of feeble-looking in real life.

Throughout the date, the widower stared at my chest a lot, in a very obvious way. I would have understood if I had been wearing the magic dress or a low cut top, but "the girls" were snugly concealed beneath plenty of fabric that night. Why do men do that? Was he trying to activate his X-Ray vision? Do they think we don't notice, or is it some kind of primitive mating ritual? Besides that annoying habit, he was fairly nice and intelligent-sounding, and we had enough to talk about. He had a pleasing voice and a nice smile, and a great tan (which may have been fake, like his hair color, which was straight out of a bottle). We had a few drinks, then he asked me to stay for dinner. We were in a neighborhood bar where the World Series was playing on TV, so we talked a little about baseball too, but it was mostly about travel, our kids, books we've read, and how life was growing up in a small town. His timeline is way too far ahead of mine - his kids are in their late 30s and he has a 17-year old granddaughter - but he's an otherwise OK guy. We had a pleasant time for an hour or so, and then we parted ways. In the parking lot he gave me one of those arms-wide-open hugs that you would give to an acquaintance, but definitely not the kind you would give to someone you were attracted to. Just as well, because the thought of seeing him naked did absolutely nothing for me. He didn't say he would call, so I'm assuming he won't, but if he did, I'd consider going out with him again, even with the age gap. The chances of a LTR between us are nonexistent, but it might be nice to go to a movie or a play with him, if only to be out with a date who could carry on an intelligent conversation. Not to worry; I have one more date lined up with a man who has opposing political views but still insists that he may surprise me with his liberal thinking. We'll see.

Meanwhile, speaking of stimulating conversation, the Cunning Bilingualist is trying hard to win my heart, and I must say he's doing an excellent job so far. He sent flowers to my office after calling the secretary to find out what time my lunch was, thus ensuring that I'd receive them in time to be noticed by the maximum number of co-workers, which is a big part of the experience. Nice touch! Then he took me on our 2nd date, which he carefully and thoughtfully planned and executed without a flaw: a sublime picnic on the beach (coincidentally located 2 blocks away from the Botanist's venue, but worlds apart in tone and feeling). We enjoyed delicious food, an amazing sunset complete with a green flash, and champagne. Later we sat under a full moon around a bonfire, and talked, snuggled, and laughed late into the night. He'd better be careful; I could get used to being treated that well...

Date #51: The Cunning Bilingualist

2009-10-29T05:55:00.000-07:00

I hope that the title of this post has piqued the imagination of my readers. Sorry to disappoint if you were hoping to read about some amazing oral sex, but my 51st date earned his nickname because he speaks two languages and loves to email me witty little sayings in his second tongue. He also uses a lot of exclamation marks, and was so enthusiastic and excited to meet me that we set our first date for mid-week instead of waiting for the weekend.

We met at one of my favorite sushi bars. Let me just say that there was an instant synchronistic attraction and the night was simply delightful. "Light years beyond what I felt with the Botanist" is the way I described it to a friend after the date, because he had all of the warmth and humor that I appreciate in a man without any sarcasm or phoniness. He's a few years younger than I am, nice looking, with a full head of thick curly brown hair. Since I am usually not attracted to older men, this is a big plus. Another bonus: our kids are the same ages and they all live in the bay area, so there is the possibility of a road trip together in the future. I am also ecstatic that he likes the same kind of raw fish that I do - live clams and poke - and a willingness to try new things, like sea urchin and live shrimp. I now realize that if a date doesn't like sushi it will be a dealbreaker for me. I love this kind of food and can't imagine being with a man who wouldn't enjoy it with me as often as possible.

CB and I stayed out very late (on a school night!) eating, talking and then watching a movie. It was the most happy and comfortable I've felt on a date in a long time. We are going on a second date this weekend, for which he says he's planning something special. We are both interested, however I am holding back a little in an attempt be careful with my emotions and be more discerning than in the past. In fact, I have a date with #52 (the Widower) tomorrow, just to help me keep things in perspective. I learned a good lesson about keeping my enthusiasm in check from the past few dates, and am hoping to demonstrate my skills in that arena this time around. Speaking of that, I'm so glad that I called things off with the Botanist as soon as I did! The benefits of becoming more aware of my gut feelings are paying off for me in a big way, especially with the men I'm meeting this week. And hopefully, one of them might some day prove to be very proficient at giving oral exams!

If His Name Is Dave...

2009-10-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

I recently asked my friend Randy to read this blog and let me know what he thought about it. He very diligently read the entire saga from back to front - all 92 posts! His reaction: he liked it, thought it was pretty funny, and then he wrote a song about it, because he's a songwriter and that's what he does best.*

He also offered up a suggestion: perhaps it might be fun if I added some details about how dating was for me in my teens and 20s compared with how it is now. Randy is my age - we were friends back in our college days, so I was rather surprised by his request, because I didn't really date much back then. In fact, I probably went on a grand total of 4 or 5 dates in all before I got married at age 24. Hey, I'm not alone - Tina Fey wasn't exactly popular with the guys at that age either!

As best as I can recall, back in the dark ages, "dating" went like this: you met someone, you were attracted to each other, you made out one night, and then you were a couple, until you were ready to move on. No big deal at the beginning or the end, at least for me. I mostly hung out with a large group of friends, except when I was "going out" with someone. The dating pool was made up of guys you went to school with or maybe met at a concert through friends, and it was all very casual. There was no getting your hair done, getting a pedicure, shaving your legs, or agonizing over what outfit to wear to go out to dinner. One of those boyfriends took me out to different events on a few occasions, but I think we were already a couple when that happened, and I don't remember those "dates" being anything like they are for me now.

The biggest difference between dating Then and Now is where I meet men. Never in my wildest dreams would I have conceived of internet dating as the only way of finding them (well, I never imagined that there would be an internet either, so there you go). Back then I met boys everywhere I went, and immediately knew if there was an attraction between us. Making their acquaintance produced zero anxiety and there were no "pre-date jitters." The backwards "modern" way of meeting is much more nervous-making. After all of the buildup via email and phone calls, things have the potential of instantly going from positive to negative upon initial contact, where you finally and spontaneously discover if chemistry exists or not. So far, the negatives have drastically outnumbered the positives, and I don't know which hurts worse: having the man mentally reject me right away, or trying to act polite because I am totally uninterested at the first sight of him.

Or, maybe Randy wanted me to compare the sexual aspects of dating Then vs. Now? OK, the biggest difference about Then: it was the 1970s, and nobody used protection for the purpose of preventing sexually transmitted diseases. The only thing that we were interested in preventing was pregnancy, and that was accomplished by taking the pill. The onus was completely on the women; men preferred the feeling of sex without condoms (that hasn't changed) and in my experience, they never offered to use them as a preferred method (this is very different now - they always offer). There was no protocol for delaying sex on the girl's part or expectations of third-date sex on the boy's end, because it was the era of making love, not war. First-date sex was commonplace and very typical Back Then. It simply didn't occur to us that the future of our relationship might be compromised by giving in so quickly to that that urge, which was perceived as a completely natural and beautiful gift from the gods of love. Thankfully, my perception of sex as a beautiful gift is still the same, even though I've yet to give in to the urge on a first date in the Now.

So there you have it, Randy. I'm not usually inclined to look back on what might have been, but just for one night, I'd love to go back to that young body knowing what I know now. Because, as Joni Mitchell said, "You don't know what you've got till it's gone..."

*Here are a few verses of Randy's song. It's loosely based on an ex of mine
(name changed to protect the anonymity of the bad boy in question):

"...My friend Mimi says my best chance of mating
is to find my soulmate through internet dating
I'm a hopeful romantic so I'll give it a try...
Somewhere there's gotta be a Mr. Right Guy!
But this internet Romeo is making me afraid
What if he turns out to really be a 'Dave'?

...Cause if his name is Dave
I don't wanna meet him
If his name is Dave!
He lies and he cheats,
He's selfish and uncaring
Without a brainwave...
I don't wanna meet him
if his name is Dave..."

World's Shortest Romance

2009-10-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

The Botanist came on very strong, wined and dined me, and within two dates, convinced me to date him exclusively. Yes, he was smooth, but in a left-brain nerdy sort of way, which I found kind of charming at first. By date 3 though, his scientific mind and analytical nature started wearing thin. I began to notice a lack of empathy in him, as if emotion towards loved ones was not his strong point. He didn't seem to have any close friends, and that bothered me too. But in the end, what convinced me to rethink the whole idea of being his girlfriend was his relationship with his son. Or rather, his estrangement from his son for the past three years. I realized that children weren't important to him when I invited him in to my house and he wouldn't look at a picture of my kids and me on my computer desktop. When I called his attention to it, he turned away and said, "Yeah, I already saw their pictures on your fridge." That ended it. Any man who wants to love me must at least acknowledge my children and respect that they are my first loves. And if he has children I expect that he will love them above all others. The Botanist can't even bring himself to pick up the phone and call his son who lives 2 miles away because of a falling out they had several years ago. Sad, pathetic, and totally unacceptable to me.

And so, another one bites the dust. Surprisingly, I'm not sad or disheartened in the least about this. I'm actually proud that I was able to recognize that he was unsuitable boyfriend material so quickly, before I got attached. I had a couple of fun dates with him and we parted on friendly terms. No harm done, and I feel very happy about the fact that my bad date streak is over. I currently have 3 nice men emailing me, and 2 of them want to speak on the phone. Life is good.

Date #50: Golden!

2009-10-18T01:32:00.000-07:00

I found The Botanist before he noticed me online. His screenname sounded appealing, and once I got past the pictures (all 10 of them), I saw that his profile completely matched mine in both tone and content. We're both looking for the same things in a partner and we're at the same stage of life: the empty nest. We also share a love of travel, but feel that part of the experience is lacking if you don't have a special person to share it with. The way he explained it cracked me up: "I hope for a travel partner, someone to point to and say, 'She did it officer'!” He had a subtle joke imbedded in between "pets I like" and "education" which I found interesting.

He quickly responded to my wink, and his emails were quite captivating. So much so that we exchanged about 30 pages of letters between us before our first date. Most of the correspondence was stellar, except when he got a little too flowery and poetic with what felt like too-soon professions of strong feelings towards me. I felt he was trying too hard with borrowed lines from Shakespeare and possibly some top secret cheesy men's manual, undoubtedly filled to the brim with tried and true quotes which guys use to seduce the ladies. I called him on it, and he lightened up, explaining that he liked me a lot, but would stop trying so hard to impress me. He's the smartest and most romantic man I've ever met, online or in real life, but his overeagerness gave me pause. Then, 3 days before our date, he took his profile off Match because his heart felt the "pull and promise of fondness" towards me. WTF!?! Never has a man taken himself off the market for me without laying eyes on me first, nor would I ever consider doing so for him. I almost called it off right then and there. After more discussion on the phone, he agreed to back up and postpone the amorous talk at least until after our meeting. Still, I assumed the chances of us being a match were slim. Even though he seemed like a really great guy (owns his own business, has a nice home, has the time to travel, and likes the same kind of music as me), I saw the previous behavior as a huge red flag. Too much attention too soon can only be a sign of extreme naivete or a ploy for quick sex, and he seemed too smart for either of those options. In fact, if I hadn't winked at him first, I would almost have been suspicious that someone was playing a joke on me by creating a fictional match tailored exactly to my dream man. Not only was he was perfect for me on paper, but he was falling for me sight unseen! I adopted a skeptical, we'll-see attitude and decided to take our date simply at face value: a nice dinner out in a beautiful location, with no expectations of anything else.

I arrived at the date with only minutes to spare and hurried into the restaurant, but he wasn't there. It was then that I became instantly and completely convinced that the whole thing was just a giant hoax after all, and that any minute the video cameras would appear and begin filming my reaction to being punked. I went into the restroom to pass some time and took a few calming breaths, but that didn't help to dispel my existential state of frenzy. Common sense told me that I had nothing to worry about - after all, I had winked at him first, and besides, who did I know who was capable of staging that kind of elaborate ruse, and why would they do it? But even though the hostess had verified that there was a reservation in his name, I couldn't shake the suspicion that he would fail to appear and the whole episode would turn out to be some sort of cosmic joke on me, as karmic payback for finally being bold enough to settle for nothing less than what I wanted in a man. After one last glance around the room, I couldn't take it anymore - I texted him, saying, "that would be hilarious if you were playing a prank on me by standing me up tonight." Of course, as soon as I clicked 'send,' who should walk in the door but the Botanist himself, holding his phone and looking handsome but very puzzled. So much for good first impressions. Luckily, I was wearing the magic dress, so he forgave my attack of paranoia, and shortly after that, we were drinking champagne and toasting to first dates which far exceed both of our overactive imaginations. The only negative: the sunset on the ocean, which he had timed and planned to serve as a romantic backdrop right outside our window table never came to pass. Despite sunny skies and temperatures in the 90s inland, it was foggy and grey on the coast, so the sun was totally obscured. The conversation stayed lively anyway, and by the end of the night we had already made plans to meet again.

Hooray for me! Finally a great date, and he proved to be a good guy so far. I'm still a little wary and will take it very slow, but I have a good feeling about this...

please come for to take a jaunty time on my yach!

2009-10-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

So Tempting!

In My Eyes...

2009-09-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

What is it that makes a person attractive to us? Why do we cringe when we see one picture and feel our pulse quicken when we see another? What is that specific quality that separates the desirable from the undesirable?

Research and popular culture tell us that beauty is hard-wired into our brains. In other words, it's in our biology. Classic features universally recognized as beautiful attract us because they are symbols of fertility and propagation. We just can't help but like the looks of a man with broad shoulders, for instance, because he would be physically able to provide for us and produce strong DNA, and so on.

But for me, attractiveness has everything to do with personality and intelligence, and very little to do with physical appearance. If an online guy writes me a funny and creative email with no spelling or grammatical errors, I will overlook below average features in his picture and will always write him back. When searching for men online, if I see a cleverly written profile, I will write to a man if he has a picture posted and there are no glaring abnormalities. Some photos don't pass muster, though, as in the charming men above who have all winked at or emailed me recently and were rejected (I do have some standards).

Studies show that the more attractive that people's faces are, the more successful, friendly, intelligent, sociable, and accessible their owners are likely to be perceived. The converse is true too: the more unattractive a person is, the more likely he is to be regarded as unfit, unhappy, and unsuccessful. When I am in love with a man, however, no matter what his outward appearance is, I can only see him as attractive. If I fall out of love with him, then and only then do I finally notice his physical imperfections. My friends and family always roll their eyes when, after a relationship is over, I ask them in a horrified voice, "Why didn't you tell me 4 years ago that he had such a big ugly nose and that his teeth were so horribly crooked and yellow?" If a man hurts me intentionally or otherwise proves that he has no regard for my feelings, his handsomeness quotient plummets hard and fast. He becomes uglier to me than the elephant man and I'm over him in a very short time. It's rare in a situation like that that I'd ever see him as appealing again.

When I dated the Writer last year, I liked his mind so much that I totally overlooked his less than desirable looks. Our short romance fizzled, and we lost touch when his schedule proved too busy to keep up a relationship. When we reconnected 4 months later, I was truly shocked to notice his short stature and bad skin. His troll-like demeanor and certain very small body parts were things that had just never registered with me when we were in love, and it was a real eye-opener for me.

I suppose that my skewed view of people's physical appeal could be considered a character defect. I tend to see the best in people, usually to a fault, and that trait sometimes allows people to take advantage of me if they are predisposed to being users. But I appreciate this part of my personality. It shows that I am not shallow. If I am your friend, you have a friend for life, regardless if you get old, wrinkled, sick, or ugly. Even if you weren't pretty to begin with, I'll still love you forever, as long as you continue to be honest and straightforward and the person you presented yourself to be.

The Hero, Part Two

2009-09-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

While driving to meet to my date I used the techniques suggested by Mimi to keep my imagination in check, thinking, "Maybe he has bad breath! Or a serious facial tic! Or three other dates lined up with female correspondents! Or even: Herpes!"

I arrived early, found a place to park, and spotted him right away: tall, athletic, and white-haired, walking right past my car towards the club house. I smiled up at him, and he nodded at me, smiled, and kept on walking! He didn't appear to recognize me in the least. That's never a good sign, but then, I was early, and he was expecting to first lay eyes on me in front of the building, so I let it pass. I called out to him. "Are you Hero?"
He came over to me and the first words out of his mouth were, "I'm so embarrassed." I started to tell him he needn't apologize for not knowing who I was right away, but then he pointed to a cold sore on his lip, the real reason for his chagrin. My first thought: ewwww...! My second: no kiss tonight, or maybe ever! Then: Please Mimi, no more advice on how to keep my expectations low!

He gave me a big warm hug then, and things got much better after we proceeded over to where the drinks were being served. I suggested we sit outside, where the view of the bay was gorgeous and the weather was perfect, but he wanted to stay inside near the reception desk where people were arriving and checking in. We sat at the bar and talked, mostly about places we've traveled. It was really great for a while, and I began to feel that, finally, this was more like the man with whom I'd had such a good connection via email and the phone. This was the man I'd driven over an hour in order to spend more time with! We were having a fun time in a beautiful location, and suddenly I felt relaxed, happy, and attracted. But that feeling didn't last long.

Heather Sellers wrote in a recent Oprah magazine I read while getting a pedicure in preparation for this date: "It's funny to me how many of the divorced men from Match say to me in conversation, 'my wife.' How much they talk about the lives from which they have been fired." And that's exactly what Hero proceeded to do. He went on about how the Irish men chatted her up all the time, how in England all she wanted to do was shop, and how she packed way too much makeup for a 2-week trip. At this point I gave him a look - I was going to ask if he didn't like women who wore makeup - but he took my glance the wrong way and made a comment like "Whoa, I guess I hit a nerve," or something. I can't remember his words exactly, because at that moment they called us into the next room where dinner was being served.

We sat at small round tables which were set up around the hall and chatted with some of the other men and their wives - some of whom were the original models, and some who had been traded in for younger versions. Hero told me that the group was basically a good old boy's club of white guys, mostly from the same government organization, who were hired because they all knew each other. He said that he had been the odd man out, having been hired solely for his expertise, and I could tell he felt a little superior about that, as he did about the way he was dressed. All of the other men were wearing Hawaiian shirts (dress was casual) except for him. He was wearing neatly pressed, tailored clothing. Since this was a reunion, people (mostly engineers who had worked on a big environmental project for the city) were called up to the microphone to tell stories from the good old days, and then the rest would all chuckle and clap. All except Hero. He was neither clapping nor laughing, but sitting very quietly and seriously with a solemn expression on his face. I did manage to get a smile out of him when I leaned over and said, "I've never before seen so many men's eyes light up when hearing the word 'sludge'!" You would have thought that since he invited me (and I didn't know a soul there except for him) that he might have tried to make it a little more enjoyable for me by at least acting as if he were maybe having a wee bit of fun himself. Not so. It was extremely and uncomfortably boring and I was working very hard to stifle yawns. I wondered why, with that attitude, he'd even bothered to go, and why he had asked me there of all places for our first date. That, and the previous badmouthing of his ex, helped me decide that I didn't like him any more. Even though his looks weren't bad and he was a good letter writer, he had become more and more unattractive to me as the night wore on. Then, the worst and final part of the date occurred.

A man at our table offered to buy a round of drinks for everyone as the DJ started to play music. I was about to politely decline, as I was trying to find an excuse to leave, but Hero never give me that chance. He announced that I would not be drinking any more, since I had a long drive home later in the evening. That remark made it painfully obvious, not only to me, but to everyone else at the table as well, that the man has control issues. Even if his ex-wife is an alcoholic, he's not in charge of telling anyone else when and how much to drink! I took the opportunity to make my exit during the awkward silence that followed, and he offered to walk me to my car. We already knew that there would be no kiss, so I let him follow me out to the parking lot. We said goodbye and he surprised me with a big hug and told me how happy he was to have made my acquaintance. I thanked him for dinner and left. As I drove over the bridge on my way home, I told myself that at least it had been a good learning experience. I'd put myself "out there" and got to see what a lot of other couples are doing on a Saturday night. I learned why it's important not to build anyone up in my mind before we meet in person. And most importantly, I got some great blogging material out of it. Herpes and all.

The Hero, Part One

2009-09-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

Date #49 has a last name which brings to mind a hero. Several weeks ago we began an epic email exchange which surprisingly got better and better with each letter. Finally, I meet a smart man online who understands the value of written expression, and he's good at it, too! It happened that he went on vacation a short while after we met, so we continued our correspondence, sending our hopes, accomplishments, disappointments and philosophical beliefs from one coast to another. It turns out that we have a lot in common, and more similarities in our lives kept appearing with each new letter. He acknowledged that our exchanges were thought-provoking and thoroughly enjoyable. I appreciated that he was taking time out of his reunion with family and friends to stay in almost daily contact with me, and I found myself checking my inbox with a slight tingle of anticipation every day. After several weeks of this he returned home, and we set a phone date. We had both been feeling pretty good about each other, and already had an outing planned, but we also wanted to hear each others' voice before meeting in person.

I was nervous (in a good way) before the call, but a few minutes into it, we were talking and laughing like old friends. We planned where and when to meet, then joked spontaneously and also spoke seriously. It was one of those talks that doesn't feel forced in any way, and the time passed quickly. After an hour and a half we said goodbye, not from fear of exhausting all topics of conversation and having nothing left to discuss on our date or anything, but because it was getting late on a work night, and I needed my beauty rest. There was a palatable unspoken attraction over the phone, making our upcoming date seem more exciting than I had previously imagined it would be. He had invited me to accompany him to a reunion at a country club - for an environmental/political group he'd been involved with - and I had balked at first, but now I was looking forward to it.

The slow pacing of our acquaintance with each other (and his writing skills) awakened long-forgotten feelings of sensuality in me. The peaks and valleys of going from email to phone call to meeting were starting to seduce me with a sweet, almost erotic rhythm and flow. After a long time between dates, and a much longer gap between meeting any noteworthy men, I liked the unhurriedness and ease of this budding courtship. I felt it had a lot to do with how he set the tempo, like a very smooth dancer leading you out on the floor. I had to admit that his quiet confidence and sensitivity had impressed me so far. Still, I didn't dare show too much interest or set my hopes too high, because I was still fragile from my extremely crappy dating history of late. I decided to just show up at the clubhouse with a positive attitude and no expectations at all. In order to keep my hopes as low as possible, I used a technique recommended to me by a good friend: I fixated on something about him that would indicate that he wouldn't be "the one." In this case, it was his age. Dating a man more than 5 or 6 years older than myself has never worked out for me, so I focused on that as a way to keep me from building him up too far in my mind.

'Nuff Said...

2009-09-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

see more Fail Blog

More Emails from Would-Be Suitors

2009-09-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

The autumnal equinox is here, and the men are all over the internets. Too many of them are sending emails with very lame attempts at English, probably cut from an online magazine article about what women want or copied from some other guy's profile, like this:

Hello Juliette,

I am a single dad who looks for trust,
love, romance, a faithful person, a passionate person, a
honest person, a caring person, Godly , humble ,
understanding , open minded, trustworthy and i do care about
others feelings and and am seeking for someone that is
loving . passionate , god fearing , trustworthy , open
minded , and someone that's willing to be loved and love in
return, a soul mate, a best friend, some one to grow old
with and some one that will be all mine forever and someone
that i can make happy always and she will do same to me I am looking for a lady that can shower me
with so much Love and care, I am also looking for long time
relationship (Lifetime relationship something really
serious) on this dating website and we can start up things
from there..........

And Miles should not be a problem because i can relocate to anywhere after i get to know the person........

Please write me back,

[Ellipses gone awry]

I'm always truly shocked that they have the balls to send this stuff out. But I'm sure it sounds really well written to them. This next man, by the way, really needs to work on his run-on sentences:

I am James 55yrs old from USA Chester, PA. I'm a Widower, i lost my wife 10yrs ago and since then Have been singles and Have not Dated Anyone But i Think now is the right Time for me to find My True Love and i Have a son called Jerry 20 Yrs old and His also in the Support for me to find My soul mate. im tired of being single that's why im here for serious and Long-Term Relationship relationship not games and im a one Woman Man and i also Need One Man Woman. and i am into Construction and Due to this Reasons i Traveled a lot But When i Meet the right Person i will Stop Traveling Much until i met the right Woman for me and i don't Think Age and Miles Matters to me in a Relationship Cause im Willing to Relocate wherever My Soul mate is. After getting to knows Each other Better and Know More about each other and Find out we are Compatible. im a one Woman Man seeking for One Man Woman Thats not here for Head Games...My personality traits are: easy going, patient, kind, respectful. I like these kinds of music: soft rock, country, classical. I usually read: news, politics, science. I like to go out to/and: dine out, shop, movies, socialize with friends/games. My favorite cuisine: Italian, American. I like these physical activities: play tennis daily, ski, golf, bowling.

My perception of an ideal relationship: Some lady that enjoys sports, and out doors activity. A lady that she thinks romance is important. I would think that we would be compassionate and effitionate all the time. I know that intimacy is a big part of any relationship, and feel that is not always about the man. I would hope that I and the one I love will always be faithful and honest, even in testing times. That we do not have jealousy, nor that we look outside the marriage. I think it is so important to receive little gifts, and surprise hugs, as well as give them. I know flowers are good for any reason, and that all gifts are for love and respect. I am not perfect, but my heart is so giving, and affectionate all the time, that perhaps it is to a fault. I also know that a woman and man hve different things that they enjoy, and that it is not always about doing things together. I also think it is essential that we never go to bed mad, ANYTIME. I think that if we live by three basic rules, love is forever, and marriage will last beyond our life. RESPECT, CONSIDERATION, HONEST

After taking a long refreshing breath, I wanted to feel sorry for him. Almost, but not quite. This is the kind of stuff that (after some serious editing and spellcheck) belongs in a profile, not a spam email. I guess his writing skills only go so far, and he can't remember how to write a concluding sentence and a closing from back in the 4th grade.

Men, let me give you some advice: Personalize! Use good grammar and spelling! Act like you read our profile or at least noticed one unique thing about us from the dating site. Or at the very least, pretend that you remember the name of the site you saw us on.

Or, plan ahead, like this guy is doing:
Photoshop Dude

The Speed-Dating Crashers

2009-09-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

My planned date with European Guy didn't materialize this weekend (I bowed out after he tried to change the agreed-upon time), so I went out with my friends Jane and Charlotte, choosing Speed Dating as a way to get out and flirt with men. I had signed up for the event a few weeks ago and was on a waiting list. While checking my email just before leaving to meet up at Jane's house, I saw that I was still on the no-go list. It specified that I should NOT come to the event, as they were completely sold out and there would definitely be no cancellations. So my friends and I decided that we definitely WOULD show up at the event to see for ourselves what all the exclusivity was about.

This particular speed-dating session consisted of 2 groups: women 47-57, paired with men 51-61, and the second: women 29-39, paired with men 33-43. I guess whoever designed this soiree reasoned that older people had better be finished early, because our age group was scheduled to begin at 5:30. Maybe they figured that we shouldn't be out driving after dark, or that we all have to be in bed by 8PM, even on weekends. The younger group's session would commence as soon as the old people cleared out. What about the poor women aged 40-46 who weren't listed anywhere, I wondered. Didn't they need any help finding dates? And would anyone be checking IDs at the door?

We arrived promptly at 5:15 and entered the restaurant. It was completely empty save for 3 customers waiting at the Speed dating table in the bar. The coordinator came over with a clipboard and an expectant look on her face asking if we were there for the event. No, we said, we're just here to have some cocktails. We sat in the bar and watched and waited. 5:30 came and went. A few women trickled in. One little old-looking man with a shiny round bald head sat at a table, looking very pleased to be there. Eventually a total of 6 or 7 women assembled in a group next to the door. What? That's all it took to max out the event? In the movies they always show 20 or 30 people moving around a crowded, fun-looking bar with interesting lighting and music, but not here. The whole place was deserted, and quiet as a church. Even though the hostess at the door had said they were open for dinner, it was like a ghost town in there - the whole place was completely empty except for those of us in the bar. One more man arrived a few minutes later, a tall thin Howdy Doody-lookalike, red hair and all, and he stood apart from everyone. Perhaps he was only attending on the advice of his therapist, because he was apparently too shy or nervous to join in conversation with any of the women hovering in one corner. Between several frantic calls on her cell phone trying to drum up some more male customers, the coordinator apologized to the female attendees about the scarcity of men. Finally, a third and final man hurried in. He was very short, white-haired, red-faced, and rushed-looking. I wondered what kind of bribe he had been offered to make him come at such short notice. It was announced that the event would now begin, despite the uneven numbers.

Here's how it went: The 3 men sat at tables while the women played musical chairs around the room. Every 15 minutes or so the ladies moved to a new man, or went back to the bar to stand and chat with each other. My friends and I sat with our drinks, eating tapas and thanking our lucky stars that we hadn't paid the $40 to attend. Our table was situated a few feet from the men and we had a great time watching the show and listening in on the conversations. I commented on the men's looks, which my friends agreed were substandard and not even close to attractive, at least to us, while Charlotte said that she had been focusing on the women instead. One in particular looked very interesting: she wore a black tank top with jeans and had a large colorful tattoo which covered her right shoulderblade and then dipped below her top, causing us to wonder how far south it traveled. We all agreed that we were dressed (and probably looked) better than most of the women there. One of them came over to our table afterwards to say hi. We asked for her reaction to the experience. She said that she had an OK time, the men seemed nice, and that the coordinator had offered her a free ticket to a future event to make up for the low male-to female ratio. But, she told us that she had met a much more suitable man the night before on SeniorSingles.com, and probably wouldn't come back for more speed dating.

As her group was leaving, the next group started arriving. They looked much more stylish and attractive than the previous group. Lots of women in black dresses and men wearing suits walked in and started mingling. These younger guys were the men who looked handsome and dateable to us. We wondered why it is that everybody wants to date someone younger than their own age. I said that it's because in my mind I am still the same person I was at 20, and the old guys who are now my age mostly look like someone's creepy uncle who drank too much and told awful jokes that nobody laughed at when we were young.

We thought about staying and watching the next round until we realized that, unlike before, these women would now make us look older and less attractive, and besides, it was getting dark (and probably close to our bedtimes). We paid our tab and left the still strangely empty restaurant.

Speed dating is a good idea in theory. You could concievably eliminate all of the online emails, phone calls, and coffee dates in one 10-minute conversation. I attended one of these events 8 years ago, right after my divorce, and had a good experience. I actually got 2 or 3 dates out of it. But I was in the younger age category then, and the men looked better to me as I recall. There were also at least 15-20 men that time, so the choices seemed far better. Would I try it again? Maybe, with a different company (there are 2 or 3 more in town from what I can tell), and some personal testimonials from someone I know and trust. For now, it's back to the online men.

I'd be interested in hearing about any of your experiences, good and bad, with Speed Dating.

Desperate Measures For Desperate Times

2009-09-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

Alas, the sultry days of summer are over.

You know what that means - fall is in the air and men are coming out of hibernation on the dating sites. They are not fully active yet, but they have begun peeking out of their man-caves trying to sniff out some female companionship. Most are still in lazy mode and can barely lift a finger, but some can be found cutting and pasting canned emails into as many inboxes as possible before becoming fully distracted by the beginning of football season.

Someone must be giving them some kind of positive reinforcement or else they surely would have given up this tactic by now. I honestly would love to know exactly how many women actually respond to emails like this one which I received recently (my comments in bold):

Hi Lovely Lady! [The game will be on soon - I don't have time to personalize these things]

I truly enjoyed seeing your profile here [ditto the name of the dating site...I'm on so many I can't keep track] and would like to get to know you better. After reading what you wrote here, I feel that we share some commonalities which makes us a good match [ I didn't bother reading your profile but your picture looks OK]. You're a very attractive woman and have absolutely gorgeous eyes. [your ass wasn't visible in your pictures so I'll settle for the next best feature] I also like the fact that you seem like someone who is sincerely seeking a loving, committed, relationship of true substance with one special person and that's very important to me [It's important that you be committed to pleasing me and only me - I however will not be committing to anyone].

I just got back into town yesterday, after spending time with my dying father who lives back east. He has been battling Parkinson's disease for quite a number of years now and it's hard to see him in his current condition. After seeing him, this past week, it reaffirmed to me how precious that life truly is and has inspired me to continue to live my life to the absolute fullest, as we never know how much time that we will have here in this world. [I saw this in a Hallmark movie - supposedly chicks dig caring sensitive men with an impending loss of a loved one] It also made me realize, more than ever before, how important that it is to find someone to truly love and be loved by. Because ultimately sharing true love with someone very special IS the most precious gift that we can ever receive from life.[and my hand is getting very tired from giving it to myself]

Please be so kind to read my profile [unlike me - I'm not the kind of guy who reads anything] and if you're seeking a kind, caring, compassionate, fun, adventurous, romantic, passionate, gentleman who will treat you better than you can imagine, [and believe me it will have to be in your imagination, because I only do dutch treat] then do get in touch with me. I will leave you here with my phone number and will invite you to call me anytime. If you happen to be more of a traditional lady who would prefer me to call you first, then send me your phone number with a good time to reach you and I'll certainly give you a call soon.[If I don't get any calls from other women first]

I will have a lot of free time for the remainder of this holiday weekend [If you saw me you would understand why] and would love to speak with you, so that we can get to know each other better.[in the biblical sense of course] So, let's share a nice phone conversation and even try to meet, if [I can peel myself off my sofa] you feel so inclined. I hope that you have an awesome Labor Day and I'll hopefully be speaking with you soon. And if I don't hear back from you then I do truly wish you the very best in your quest for finding that special someone.

Warmly,
Scott

In your dreams, Scott!

SSBs - Are They Keeping Me Single?

2009-09-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

After reading this post today, I went back and watched this episode of Sex and the City for the millionth time. It's the one where the girls talk about their secret single behaviors. You know, the things we do when we are alone that we would never dream of doing in front of our partners. Since my divorce 9 years ago, I've had 3 long-term boyfriends, but I never lived with them for various reasons, mostly because I was a single mom raising 2 kids. But now that my children have moved away, I wonder: would I ever be willing to give up the freedoms I have gotten used to - my secret single behaviors - in order to live with a man full time again?

The girls on SATC had their own SSBs as noted by Broke in the City:

Carrie's was eating saltines smeared with jelly, standing up in the kitchen while flipping through fashion magazines.

Miranda liked to moisturize her hands and then cover them with Borghese gloves while watching reruns.

Charlotte's was to stare at her pores for an hour every night, studying them.

Samantha of course, had no secret single behaviours she would not do in front of any guy.

Mine are similar silly things, like eating ice cream out of the carton, singing at the top of my lungs to whatever song is playing on my ipod, or walking around the house unclothed after a shower while deciding what to wear. But I also have other more cherished ones, like taking a nap during the afternoon, unwinding after a long day by sitting in front of my computer for hours perusing random sites, or curling up on the couch with a good book. These are my alone times when I don't want to be disturbed or distracted by anyone. And then there's the pleasure of spreading out on my bed, ecstatic that I no longer have to share that space with anyone else, especially on very hot nights when I can throw the covers off, pull them back on again, roll over suddenly, and rearrange pillows as I see fit.

Of course, I still enjoy the occasional overnight visitor (and all that entails!), but I have to admit that I usually heave a big sigh of relief when he goes home and things go back to normal. When I can put whitening strips on my teeth or peel off my pore strips, staring at them in amazement for a surprisingly long time with a magnifying glass to see what came out of all those little holes in my nose. Yes, I really do have a little magnifying glass, and that may be my guiltiest SSB.

What are your Secret Single Behaviors? Anyone care to share?

The Wordsmith

2009-08-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

I needed to get the bad taste out of my mouth after dating the Chef, so when this email landed in my inbox, I decided I'd bite:

"Juliette, I'm really not a shameless flatterer, but you have an exquisite face. More importantly, though, you sound like a beautiful and special person, with whom I would like to be friends. Any chance you would like to strike up some communication?"

"Sure," I replied, "but shameless flattery will only go so far with me." For someone who claimed to be a man of many words, his profile was curiously sparse. I asked him why he left out so many details, and also why he never got married (I don't know why but I feel there is something slightly odd about men in their 50s who have never been able to make that kind of commitment).

"There are few words in my profile, because I really never wanted to be on this dating site. I was put on it by my best friend, who curiously was once my girlfriend of 20 years. She is also probably the biggest reason why I never married. We were in a relationship longer than most marriages, but we were both slow to grow up and were never ready to be married at the same time."

Well, at least he wasn't separated or living with his ex, from what I could tell, so I continued our correspondence. We exchanged 2 or 3 more emails in which he wasn't rushing to ask me out (which was good), but instead decided to tell me way too much about this "best friend" who was also once his girlfriend, but now lived with another man, and who was currently his business partner and also happened to own the condo he lives in. I wondered, did she also wipe his butt write his dating profile for him?

"No I did not mean that my friend wrote my profile. I simply meant that she paid for a membership for me against my wishes and successfully made me feel guilty enough to use it...

In many ways, it sounds like you & I might be a match. Certainly in terms of hilarity! I know you are a very evolved woman, though, and as I noted I am still a work in progress. I would at least like a chance to get to know you. I'd feel like I was missing something special if I didn't. Let's meet this weekend."

Not one, but 2 red flags popped up after reading that. Women guilting him into doing things he doesn't want to do: bad. Even worse: insisting that I'm the evolved one and he's just a work in progress. He's setting the stage to be absolved of any responsibility when things eventually don't work out because he couldn't be an adult. And WTF? "Certainly a match in terms of hilarity?" I had not witnessed even one mildly amusing sentiment from him yet, neither in his profile nor in his emails, and certainly, absolutely nothing hilarious! In my experience, when a man has to tell me how hilarious he is, he's usually painfully unfunny. So, I sent one last email, saying in a very nice way that it just didn't seem that we would be a very good match after all. I was proud of myself for being able to keep things friendly yet honest. I was also totally unprepared for the barrage of emails I received in return from him, begging me to reconsider. I got at least 5 of them before I was able to successfully block him and make my profile invisible.

"First of all, I'm feeling very bad by what you just wrote, because I have very much been focusing just on you and was hoping to do so for some time to come..."

" I honestly have not cared so much about getting to anyone as I have you in years. I sensed something very, very special in you right away and couldn't wait to meet you. Give things a little more chance and I promise you that you will be glad you did. Can't you just consider that you might be being a bit hasty? I like you very much and I can and will make you feel as special as you are..."

P.S. What happened to the part where you see the best in people? You won't even allow me a second chance? There is real substance beneath the charm you haven't even seen yet. I have relished everything you have written me and paid close attention to it."

"... I think there are sparks. I even think we really like each other. Please give things a chance. I really don't want to give up on someone as hard to find as you."

Mind you, we had never even spoken on the phone! All of his "special feelings" for me were derived from reading my profile and a few emails. I might have gotten a good laugh from this if it weren't just so creepy and wrong. Something about him reminded me of the really horrible sociopathic man I dated a few years ago who stalked me with bad intent for a long time after I broke up with him last year because he simply wasn't ready for it to be over. Or maybe he just wanted to be the first one who said it was over. Whatever.

So, I go back to online dating after 3 months off and get 2 major creeps in a row. Depressing, no? Well, If you think that's going to stop me, think again! Call me crazy, but I am just getting warmed up again. I will survive!

Trying To Keep The Faith

2009-08-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

I had a vivid dream last week. I was on a road trip heading north, with my brother and sister, and we were all in our own cars. We started off near LA, and it was such a beautiful day that I decided I would walk and catch up with the others at some rendezvous point farther on up the road. I was strolling along the freeway, enjoying the beautiful flowers and green scenery, which was strangely devoid of any traffic or exhaust fumes, when eventually it occurred to me that I should stop and check in with the others. So I took the next exit, and came to a small town called "Keep the Faith." I knew it was the name of the town because there was a big wooden arched banner like the one in the picture with those 3 words painted on it. I went into a little cafe on Main street and saw my sister in there. I asked her to call our brother to meet us for dinner because I had decided to head back home afterwards. Everyone was looking out the window at this man who was performing some sort of mime show in the town square. Several people, including our waitress, urged me to go outside and meet him, saying that it was very important to me, because he was the one I was looking for. "But he has a wife," I told them, as I'd seen her out there talking with him. "It's all about the timing," she told me, and while I was trying to figure out what that meant, I woke up.

This dream was so real and so strong that it stayed with me all the next day and after. I found myself describing it to everyone I came into contact with for the next few days. I knew it had to be important and my friends readily agreed; they all gave me their interpretations of what it meant, and it helped me to put the symbolism together in my head. Definitely the message was for me to keep up my positive attitude, don't stop believing (because I was on a Journey, right?), get out and meet men, etc.

Fine, I thought, even though it felt like there was much more to it. But I had other things to think about, like my 3rd date with the Chef, and where to buy the freshest salmon and veggies for our dinner. But when Wednesday came, I realized that something was not right. It dawned on me that I hadn't heard anything from him for 3 days, and that was not a good sign. Especially since we had been in constant contact since our first meeting. Normally I'd receive a few emails, a phone call, and 4 or 5 texts from him daily. The abrupt cessation of communication could not be a good sign. What could possibly be the reason for this? Very busy at work? A quick email would suffice to let me know. Involved with another woman? Is in fact still living with his wife, whom he isn't yet divorced from? Somehow the other woman discovered his emails and texts to me? Suddenly I began to wonder if he would be a no-show for our dinner.

As I was wondering what had happened to cause him to fade away so abrubtly, I got this email:



Dear Juliette...how are you? I just wanted to take a moment of your time.

Unfortunately I won't be able to come for dinner on Friday.  I'm having a couple 

of personal issues that I need to address before I can move on further in our 

friendship. I think that you're brilliant and so pretty and I think about you daily. 

Please know that I will share my issues with you...only if you ask. I will not

lie to you as that is not in my nature. You deserve good things. You've earned it.

Chef 

I knew that there was a good reason I didn't date men who weren't yet divorced.

Once again, I'd made an exception for someone who didn't deserve it.

And yes, this man was and still is a liar. His profile said that he was divorced,

but he admitted to me that he was separated after we talked on the phone.

I remember that when he told me that, he also said he wasn't a dishonest man.

A very smart person told me a year ago: "Never trust what a man says he's like.

Just watch him and let his actions tell you who he is."

For the record, it turns out that the best interpretation of my dream was made by Funny Guy.

He thought that my unconscious mind was trying to warn me about the Chef - "But he's married" -

and when the waitress said "timing is everything," it meant that it was not the right time to meet.

Apparently my intuition was correct all along, and I should never have broken my own rule.

That feels right on target. But what feels really bad is that the wind has gone out of my sails for now.

I'm all out of energy for radiating positive vibes. I don't have the strength to go back on any dating sites

for fear of reading more lies from dishonest men. I went to see Julie and Julia, and

cried through most of the movie, because both J's have such sweet husbands who love them and

encourage them through thick and thin. That's all I want: a good man who loves me and wants to be

with only me. It seems that's a very tall order.

I'm trying my hardest to keep the faith but it isn't easy...

Juliette & Julia

2009-08-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

While enjoying my new metaphysical "dating site" in the ethers, I picked up this book last week, not because I'm all that interested in cooking, but because it's about a woman who moves to Paris with the man she loves. Even though it's been out for several years, I'd never heard of it until the movie came out. While reading, I was moved by how Julia Child writes about her husband: "...He was a great inspiration, his enthusiasm about wine and food helped to shape my tastes, and his encouragement saw me through discouraging moments. I would never have had my career without [him]...". She tells how exciting it was to be in the city of light with a man who loved her passionately and was committed to sharing its beauty with her. That's what I want, I thought to myself, a man who thinks about me like that. After adding a lot of Mr. Child's personality traits to the list of qualities I'd prefer in a man, I mentally sent it out to the universe again. I have always wanted to travel to Europe, drink good wine and eat delicious food with a wonderful man who knows enough to teach me about both of those things and more, and it doesn't hurt to ask for what you want...

Apparently the universe is still listening to me, because the Chef has been showing possible signs of being a man similar in many ways to Julia's husband. On our second date he took me to a restaurant which he thought I would like, based on its reputation and location. The owners are acquaintances of his, so they came to our table to say hello (which resulted in subsequent impeccable service). He apparently has worked with a lot of the people in good restaurants in this town, but isn't snooty about it. I realized that he is a man who knows a lot about how food should be prepared and which wines to pair with certain food items. He said that he used to travel a lot, and would have to eat at one or sometimes two steak houses per day, and during that time he would bring his own kosher salt with him. A little anal perhaps, but intriguing. I've never dated anyone like him before: he's a perfect gentleman, with manners from another more chivalrous century; the kind of man who will stand when I leave or return to the table, who opens doors for me, and always serves me first. He goes out of his way to make sure that I am comfortable and well taken care of. Everything about him seems classy yet understated, which is so different from any other man I know.

I had a wonderful time, and after a few nice kisses, he asked me out again. I offered to cook dinner for him. Yikes! I think I got a little too swept up in Julia's life for a moment there. I don't cook gourmet food! I quickly qualified my invitation: I will make the salad if he will prepare the grilled fish and veggies. Stay tuned to find out how it goes...

So Far So Good...

2009-08-02T15:41:00.000-07:00

This new metaphysical approach to dating is working wonders for me! For a few weeks I've been focusing on sending out good vibes and radiating happiness, excitement, and passion in everything I do. It's amazing what kind of contact a smile on my face will initiate with men in real life. I've had a lot of good feedback in the form of nice comments and smiles in return from them. I have not let the lack of invitations for dates get me down either. Instead, I took myself to one of my better date spots from last summer, ordered a cup of tea, and sat reminiscing about previous good dates. Then I visualized myself there with a really nice man - one who had all of the good qualities on my list. I purposely avoided letting any negative feelings about the lack of a man in my life creep in; rather, I let myself feel the joy and pleasure that being with a good male companion would bring.

Two interesting things happened after I began this exercise. First, I heard from Yoga Dad, who has been emailing on an intermittent friendly basis for a few months. We got together that night and had a very nice reunion and a fun date which ended on a remarkably romantic note. Since many of the good qualities which I had been visualizing for my perfect mate came from his personality, I felt that I had somehow summoned his presence. Maybe he heeded my cosmic call and felt drawn to me... or maybe not. Whatever, we had a couple of really excellent nights together last week, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company with no expectations of any further relationship in the future. Because I am definitely over wondering whether he'd be my next long-term partner (no chance at all of that), I was able to fully enjoy and accept his loving attention and warm masculine energy.

The next thing that happened was that an online man whom I had rejected months ago wrote, seemingly out of the blue, asking to meet me in person. I had previously deemed him ineligible because his divorce was not yet final, as I used to have a hard and fast rule about dating separated men. My feeling was that everyone needs time to grieve the loss of a partner, and no real long-term future can come from dating a man before he's had time to process the end of a love affair. But in my new mindset, I now see that everyone has their own unique and individual timetable for these things. Some marriages, especially brief ones that produce no children, may be over long before the official paperwork says they're over. So, I decided to meet him, having absolutely no expectation that this would be anything other than a quick coffee date. And since I was happily distracted by the attention from Yoga Dad, I had neither the time nor the inclination for any kind of pre-date angst.

Date #48 is tall, broad-shouldered, dresses well, and smells good. I'll call him Chef because he works in the restaurant business and is a bit of a foodie. He is chivalrous to a fault, possibly bordering on schmoozy because of his extreme politeness to women. I was hoping he wouldn't seem boring in person because his emails were short, literal, and to the point. And after spending time with Yoga Dad, who can make me laugh hard, I wondered if I'd even find Chef funny at all. I agreed to meet him at the same small cafe on the beach where I'd been sitting and radiating the love vibes (hoping the universe would take the hint). Surprise! It was a great meeting. Conversation flowed smoothly. We liked each other's looks. We talked, we laughed, and then we kissed goodbye after making tentative plans to go out again (to dinner at his favorite restaurant). Best of all, he texted me an hour after our date, thanking me for being so nice and so beautiful, and also for the incredible kiss at the end.

I can't wait to see what will happen next...

Love Is All Around You...

2009-07-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

I've been taking advantage of my time off this summer by traveling a lot. With the cheap airfares available and lots of relatives who miss me, I've been all over the Western states and Hawaii in the past few months. It's been a great time, and I'm back home for a while before making one or two more expeditions.

Taking a break from dating was easy while on the road. There were so many fun activities planned around my visits that I didn't even miss the coffee dates and walks on the beach that I had been going on with a vengeance all year. But now that I'm home and back in my routine, I find that my social life has slowed down a lot. Not only do I not have any dates scheduled, but there are no men who are romantically interested in me nearby (a few long-distance guys are writing, but I'm not encouraging them much). I find that I really don't mind so much not having to keep up with all of the extra personal grooming I had to do while dating 2 to 3 times a week. In fact it's really nice to be able to take a break from shaving legs and the like for a little while. But even with my new hobbies I find it's still very quiet around my house.

While on vacation, I noticed that everywhere I went, love was in the air. My niece in Hawaii had just married a great young man. They are best friends and very much in love. My cousin, who has been married for 15 years to a local man she met the week she moved there, is still as happily in love with him as she was on the day they wed. Both of my children have recently met amazing young partners and after spending a week getting to know them, I heartily approve of their choices. Even Mimi seems to be head over heels in love with her new man, and I couldn't be happier for her.

So, I'm wondering, when is it going to be my turn to find the perfect mate? I'm aware that I have to be ready in all respects for him to appear in my life, and that I obviously have not been in the right place for love - until now. The day that I returned home from vacation I saw this post from Dad's House. I'm no stranger to the magic of metaphysics, and I've made wish lists and bulletin boards before (things and events even materialized in my life from these posters with surprising regularity), but upon reading Dad's reminder, I realized that until recently I hadn't thought very specifically about the qualities of the man whom I want to attract into this stage of my life. I've read books and listened to meditation CDs on "how to attract love into your life", but I didn't write down or visualize the details of what my perfect partner would look like and act like. The good news is that I now have a whole bank of recent experiences with men, good and bad, and they have been extremely helpful in refining my idea of which qualities I would like to have (and not have) in a partner. For example, he will be tall like G, read books like J, and have a sense of humor like B, and be as smart as M, but not as angry as P, etc. It's been surprisingly interesting and educational, going back through my older posts, revisiting and writing down the characteristics of the next man I want to date.

I realize that I will have to do some footwork while waiting for the magic to happen, so I am concentrating on having at least one good interaction with a man in real life per day. Even if it is just flirting with the 70-something man who took my ticket at the movies yesterday (he joked that there was a problem because the movie I was seeing was rated R, and I looked too young to be allowed entrance) - he still counts. I'm finding that interacting with men in real life can be as easy as asking single men in the supermarket if a food item in their cart might go well with this wine or that one, or striking up a conversation with the man in line next to me at the races. It's not as hard as meeting an online stranger for coffee as it turns out, and the challenge can be kind of fun, especially when the choices are limited. Also, I'll know before I speak to him if he is someone whom I'd like to get to know better, and I can tell right away from his reaction and body language if he likes me as well. I have made this my daily challenge, and each time I have an encounter with a real live guy, I consciously give myself a virtual pat on the back for getting that much closer to my ideal mate. The key for me is to radiate happiness and confidence while I'm out and about, and to feel that my life is good just as it is, while opening my heart to great things happening to me. I'll give this technique a shot for the rest of the summer and let you know what happens.

A Break From Online Dating

2009-07-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

If only it were that easy!

I'm back from a great vacation in Hawaii, only to take another vacation - from meeting men online. After my last date, #47, the Fly Fisherman (don't ask), I concluded that I need to meet a few men in real life before I go back to the world of sight-unseen men with too many expectations. My last date was really into my pictures and my voice on the phone, but by the time we met in person, I wasn't that into him at all (his picture was outdated and he had a pronounced limp for someone as athletic as he advertised himself to be). I have had enough of the phony profile tidbits that try to convince me to get interested in men who haven't been at all interesting in person. I want to know if a man looks good to me up front before I have to sit through an hour of coffee or (worse) an awkward meal before I can get on with my life.

So, this summer I am focused on getting out and doing things I love - joining a sailing club, taking guitar lessons, and yes, even a singles' cruise, in order to meet someone and get the chemistry thing resolved first before we get to know each other's personalities.

Even if I don't meet the man of my dreams, I'll at least be doing things I want to do instead of sitting around coffee shops and bars on first dates all summer long.

(Video from funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor)

Cutting The Cheese

2009-06-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

A year ago I started this blog because I'd decided to get back into dating with gusto. My goal was to date as many men as I could in hopes of meeting one nice man who is looking for the same things as me: happiness, emotional compatibility, and intimacy in a long-term monogamous relationship. In my fantasy, we would share sustained passion for each other, a love of music, books, travel, and some serious chemistry. Since June 2008, I've dated and written about every man who passed my preliminary screening, had a decent photo, and could write a profile without too many grammatical and spelling errors. In one year I've had 46 dates. That's 46 dates in 52 weeks!

Not bad, I think, as I now realize how much time and effort it takes to find suitable men online, screen them, and schedule meeting times with them. I have been one busy woman this year!

In that time I've met a lot of interesting men. I've had some very good dates and some horrendous ones, and I've met a few men who came very close to being "the one." But so far, I've met nobody I'd be willing to give up my single status for. I have learned a lot about myself in 12 months. I realize that I have a very rich life, and I am perfectly capable of being happy on my own. Still, I've had time to reflect and know that I still want to meet that special man and share my life with him, as long as he is a cut above the ones I've been with before. I want one who makes me feel like I am special to him, who loves me for who I am, and who knows his intentions with me and is able to communicate them before I commit to him.

I was sorely tempted to take a break from dating after a year had passed with unsuccessful results, but have decided to doggedly continue in my search and keep on the lookout for a partner who suits me. I will branch out this summer to singles cruises, meetup groups and speed dating events, to see if determining the physical chemistry upfront will have any effect on the outcome.

My latest date: Terminal Flatulence. The 46th man I dated this year was 10 years older than me but very young at heart. He's retired and has 7 grandchildren, which keeps him busy and entertained. His most attractive feature was his Brooklyn accent. He was born and raised in New York, and I loved the sound of his voice. Our first date was at a French Cafe, and we got along well. But our second date, dinner at a Thai restaurant, was explosive. As in: if someone had lit a match, he just might have gone up in flames.

He met me at the restaurant with very garlicky breath. He apologized for that, saying he had celebrated his son's birthday earlier that day by taking him out to lunch at his favorite place where the food was pretty spicy. After eating our extremely spicy curry dish, we moved outside to hear some live music. Not far into the performance, I detected an odor which indicated that someone or something nearby was experiencing gastric distress. I looked around to see if there were any animals passing by, but no, it was just TF and me, and it seemed that he was cutting the cheese with stealthy gusto.

Too bad about his gas problem, because if it weren't for that it would have been a very lovely night. There was a full moon and the temperature was just cool enough that the warm fire pit felt extremely good on my toes. There were 2 amazing groups performing, one of them playing the blues, and the other one singing old Woody Guthrie and Dylan folk songs. With the right man, I would have gladly stayed out all night, enjoying the excellent music and laughing and talking under the brilliant full moon. But TF continued to emit silent but deadly farts right next to me with increasing frequency and without any acknowledgement or apologies. He did excuse himself to the men's room a few times, but it didn't seem to help the situation. Around 9 PM, I simply couldn't take any more so I excused myself, saying I wasn't feeling well. I don't know what turned my stomach more: the awful aroma or the thought that he might have lost control of the muscles which one uses to hold that substance in. Also, I wondered if he was so out of practice at being around women that he routinely goes on dates with bad breath and then farts whenever he pleases, regardless of where he is or what he's doing. Either way, he is not a man I could be in a relationship with. Sayonara Stinky Cheese Man!

Gay Marriage Kills Another "Opposite" Romance

2009-05-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

As saddened as many of us were by the California Supreme Court's decision yesterday not to overturn Prop. 8, I have become even more depressed by the number of heterosexual men online who are against gay marriage. Last year, my acid test to determine if a man was dateworthy was asking him which presidential candidate he was backing. This year, it's the homosexuals and their penchant for wanting matrimonial bliss which helps me separate the wheat from the chaff.

Usually, I ask a man upfront in the first or second email what his thoughts on the subject are, and I simply move on if his reply looks anything like this actual email which I received today:

"... As far as Proposition 8 goes, I voted yes simply because I feel a man and a woman joining together constitutes a marriage. It has been that way for centuries so why should we allow a small minority to override the vast majority who has twice voted to keep marriage as it has been intact? Let the gays form a union of togetherness, but call it something other than a marriage. Otherwise, I see this trend as another moral decay in our country. I'm sorry if I have offended your position, which I suspect you favor the opposite side of the issue, but that is my opinion and it seems to be the majority's opinion as well. There are way too many things going on in this country that I see damaging the essence of what made this country great..."

Moral decay? Damaging the essence of our country's greatness? Small minority? Into the trash it went, along with his chances of ever dating me.

I don't know how Aqua Man, Date #45, slipped through the cracks, but I found myself on 2 dates with him before I asked any of the right questions. I guess I was blindsided by his good looks. Think of the time and precious fossil fuels we both would have saved if only I'd properly screened...

In his profile, he described himself as "pretty handy with technology." Sure enough, he texted me from his Blackberry enroute to our first meeting, to tell me that he had lost the directions to the coffee shop. OK, U can txt while driving but can't remember where you said you'd meet me? Not very handy in my book. The date itself was awkward too. He nervously talked nonstop for 3 hours about random, trivial, meaningless stuff: listing the names of all of the main streets in his town, the outlet malls he likes to shop in, and the brand names of all of his favorite apparel, including underwear, and more. I found myself periodically scanning the faces of the people in the coffee shop, because while he had a deep, sexy voice, it carried too well, and I would've been really embarrassed if anyone I knew could possibly have overheard even a snippet of this really boring, almost painful conversation.

His profile and first few emails had promised me that he was a really funny guy and that he'd have me in stitches most of the time. I allowed him a fake laugh out of politeness towards the end of the date (mostly out of relief that it was nearing the end), to which he proudly replied, "See! I told you I'd make you laugh!" But still, I gave him points for appearance, politeness, and trying hard to impress, especially when he was obviously very nervous. He gave me a little peck on the lips and a quick (though very hot) hug as we left, asking if he could see me the following weekend. In a moment of weakness I agreed.

He called me that night to talk some more, and told me how much he'd enjoyed meeting me. I felt like we finally connected on the phone, or at least much better than in person, which is to say: I didn't cringe when he spoke. Seeing that the next weekend would have a holiday connected to it, we discussed a taking a trip out of town together. I told him that I wasn't comfortable sharing a hotel room with him yet, but if we got separate rooms it sounded like a fun idea, and maybe we'd be able to listen to some good music on the way and get to know a little more about each other. He agreed, and since there were a lot of Memorial Day specials in Las Vegas, we tentatively agreed to go there for the long weekend.

As the week went on, we talked and got more comfortable with each other. Finally our conversations became fun as we conversed about how exciting our upcoming trip would be. We flirted a little, joking about how much fun it would be to look at the view of the fountains in our very chaste-looking pajamas from our rooms while drinking champagne. But I noticed that he wasn't making any reservations anywhere yet. Then on Wednesday, he said, well, I guess I'll reserve the room then, - or, - you can do it...

I didn't say anything, and the subject changed, and when we hung up, the rooms were still not reserved. I couldn't figure out if he was trying to get out of paying for the trip (after he said he wanted to) or if he was having second thoughts about taking a woman who was not going to sleep with him. I didn't know what he was thinking, but suddenly I knew I wanted out. I texted him and said I felt it was too soon to go on a trip like this, and why didn't we just get to know each other here in town a little better first. He seemed relieved, said he had been thinking along the same lines, and we made plans to meet for dinner at a nice restaurant in LA on Saturday night instead.

When I arrived at the restaurant, he was waiting for me at our table looking even more handsome than before. Conversation was flowing a little more smoothly this time, thanks to all of our phone calls, and eventually we got around to the subject of politics. He mentioned Prop 8 and the Supreme Court's impending decision, and asked what I thought. I told him how I feel: if 2 people are lucky enough to find love in this life, regardless of gender, they have all of my support and only my best wishes. "How ridiculous is it anyway," I asked, "that anyone could possibly imply that a same-sex relationship would in any way threaten a marriage between a man and a woman?" I mentioned those ridiculous ads by the Mormon-sponsored NOM, Steven Colbert's brilliant parody, as well as this. I was on a roll, so happy to finally be speaking passionately about something interesting with Aqua Man, that it took me a few minutes to register his silence.

I stopped talking and looked at him. He was sitting, tight-lipped and still, sort of clenching his fists and looking extremely unhappy. He said he would have to agree to disagree with me on the gays, because in his opinion it went against the bible and god to choose such a lifestyle. "You think it's a choice?" I asked, unable to stop myself. "You surely can't tell me you don't believe that it's a matter of genetics. I mean, who would actively choose to be ridiculed, having to hide your true feelings, being unable to express who you really are, and feel free to like who you like as a young adolescent?" I told him about my gay friends and their partners who truly deserve to be married (more than any heterosexual couples I know), and asked him if he knew any homosexual people.

The answer was an adamant No.

Aqua man is deeply enmeshed in his fundamentalist belief system, and while he admitted that he might be able to visualize two women together in a sleazy porn-video sort of way, the idea of two men loving each other just turned his stomach and put him off the rest of his dinner. He firmly refused to discuss the matter any further.

As I trudged out of the restaurant, shaking my head in disappointment, I silently thanked the gods that we hadn't made the trip to Vegas that weekend after all. I had a flash of "opposite deja vu", visualizing myself thumbing a ride home from Baker, where we would've stopped for gas and I would've run from his car, seeking shelter from the storm of homophobia and misunderstanding.

UPDATE:

This video makes sense to me. Marriage is good for everyone! We all deserve to have one if we want it.

When Life Hands You A Lemon...

2009-05-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

Date #44: Con Man, showed up at the designated meeting spot full of smiles, compliments, and a photo album filled with pictures of his 85-year old uncle and the many properties they own around the country. Also seen in the snapshots: his cousin, the uncle's mentally handicapped son, who is high functioning but needs a caretaker. Before I could even ask "how are you today," CM proceeded to launch into a very extensive and detailed story of how much he loves these two guys and why ultimately he will be the caretaker of his cousin when his uncle dies, even when there are other more capable and closely related relatives around. Con Man will exclusively inherit all of the uncle's millions because he has always been the favorite! Big surprise. In fact, the uncle currently gives him an allowance of $2000 a month because he has promised to care for the cousin, who is the same age as CM, for as long as he lives. I don't know what reaction he usually gets from women on dates with this story, but "I'll have another drink, please," was my only response when he finally paused and looked at me expectantly. I have some experience with con men, and can recognize the signs that a man is trying to sell me on himself, so I just sat, listened, and wondered how far he would take this. Obviously he's been able to get some mileage from the story, because his past two girlfriends let him move into their houses, drive their cars, and use their internet. Until they discovered his profile on Match.com, that is. He currently lives in a small unfurnished apartment, looking for his next victim. I let him talk on and on, only interrupting to ask for more drinks and permission to write about his uncle's invention.

Who knew that his uncle would grow up to be the guy who invented the use of the turkey baster in the artificial insemination of cattle? I almost fell off my barstool laughing at this news. It's even better than when Romy and Michele told everyone at their high school reunion that they invented the Post-It! This was turning out to be the most entertaining date I'd been on in a long time, for all of the wrong reasons. Except for the martinis. Things always go better with Lemon Drops.

Next he was telling me that he wanted to do a lot of traveling with me this summer. I was waiting for him to ask me to purchase the tickets for our Mediterranean cruise up front, and he would pay me back when he could get an advance from his uncle. I didn't rule out the idea that he would ask for a check for $20,000 to start up a new business venture either. CM had all of the lines that con men use down pat, but I have never seen one move this fast.

Eventually though, I said goodbye, because he started venturing into TMI territory, and anyway, 3 Lemon Drops is my limit. He threw out what I assume was his last-resort con man line - the fact that he was on some medication (for ADD!) which allowed him to have a constant erection. "So you see," he said, "I am the perfect lover, because I am always ready for sex!" After I said goodbye and thanks for the great time, he said, "Look, I have an erection right now!" As tempting as it was (not), I didn't look back. Some things are better left to the imagination.

Women, Know Your Limits!

2009-05-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

Date #41, Charlton Heston Lookalike, is 10 years older than me. I know that I have yet to connect with a man who's my elder by that big of a margin, but I keep trying, on the LNSU (leave no stone unturned) principle. Besides, he seemed much more youthful in his photos and the way he talked on the phone. He has a high-powered VP job in a smaller division of some global company based in Japan, and he showed up looking tanned and fit from playing a lot of golf. I have absolutely no connection with that sport or the men who play it, and I knew from the start that this date would be a Fail. We met at the same place where I had my first date with the Lawyer, and in many ways he reminded me of that man in his attitude towards women (Note to self: That particular restaurant is henceforth a red flag when selected by a man for a first date).

CHL has already had 2 much younger trophy wives and is actively looking for his third. I'm pretty sure he wants a girl from Millionaire.com, but those women have all found richer and/or younger men than he to be the arm candy of, so he's doing the best he can on the other dating sites. He bragged that he had put both ex-wives through school before he divorced them, and the last one just got her Master's degree. "Excellent," I said, "if this works out, you won't have to pay very much at all for my Doctorate, because I'm halfway done with my dissertation!" He didn't think this was funny at all, because I'm certain he's of the opinion that too much education isn't good for the fairer sex. The rest of our very short date was pretty quiet after that, except for the sound of me laughing, of course, because the expression on his face was eerily similar to the husband's in the video above.

Date #42, Tall Man (I'm running out of clever names, especially when the men are less than clever themselves) and I never did meet in person, because after talking on the phone a few times, I discovered that not only is he not divorced as he advertises himself on Match, but he's still living with his wife, and they haven't even gotten around to filing the paperwork! He finally came clean when I asked him why he kept postponing our date until the end of June. He was hoping that by then he would have some papers filed, and that the housing market would improve before they'd have to settle their assets. I'm seeing a lot of this lately - men who say they are separated or divorced when in fact they are still legally married. This is one reason why I think it's important to be invited to the man's house early on in the dating game. Just to have a look around and make sure that there are no telltale signs of a woman sharing his bedroom. So, Tall Man is history, even though he swears that by the end of the summer he'll be out on his own and calling me for that date.

Date #43, Rain Man, seemed fun at the beginning. We IM'd first for a few hours on Match.com, spoke on the phone the next night, and then graduated to texting back and forth for a few days before we met. I enjoyed communicating with a man my age in this manner, since very few of them even know how to do it. He was geeky in a video-game-playing nerdy way, but I found it sort of endearing at first. We actually had 2 dates before I was able to realize that he was really more of a Special Ed kind of guy. Sort of a Rain Man Lite. His writing skills are pretty good, but in person, his social skills need work. When his "specialness" finally hit me, in the middle of date #2, it was awful. I was watching the Star Trek movie (OK, I admit it, I'm a big dork too) with him when it sank in. I believe it was when he identified the monster (Zerg, from StarCraft,) who was fighting the young James Kirk, that I knew he wasn't exactly... normal. At the end of the movie, after having to listen to him repeat the words "Star Trek...Awesome," over and over, I made a beeline to my car with a quick goodbye. After 3 or 4 more texts from him about the awesomeness of the movie, thankfully, our romance was over.

Stay tuned for Dates #44 and #45. I'm on a roll here...

Rain Check: Cloudy With 100% Chance Of Buh-Bye

2009-05-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

While enjoying the renewed attention from Yoga Dad, I started reading the Oprah-recommended, stand up comedian-turned-dating-guru Steve Harvey-penned book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I was given this along with all sorts of advice (most of them warnings that he was not good boyfriend material) about the intentions of the dating mess who wanted a second chance at proving himself worthy to me. It seems that most of my girlfriends didn't trust that Yoga Dad was out for anything other than sex, so I turned to this book to get some extra male perspective on the subject.

The book is an interesting read, but in the end I decided to take only a small piece of Steve's advice. Some things he preaches, such as not sleeping with a man for 90 days because he must "earn his benefits," as if he were an entry-level employee, seemed a little silly to me. This might work for virgins and young girls looking for a husband, but I have neither the time nor the patience to act like a man's CEO and put him on probation (if I'm engaging in role-playing for sex, then the costumes are going to be way more fun than that!). Besides, I'm not getting any younger, and waiting 90 days for sex at my age is like waiting for a whole year when you're 18. Ain't gonna happen. If you don't believe me, just ask Bristol Palin.

But I did follow Steve's recommendation as to what needs to be crystal clear before sex does happen. He advises the woman to first ask the man what he thinks about her, and next, how he feels about her. The thinking question is just to warm him up a little, but the feelings are the key. If his feelings towards me are respect, admiration, a desire to be with me exclusively, and best of all, love, then Steve says it's OK to proceed to the next level. This seems like a really good idea. It ensures that enough time has elapsed since you've met in order for you to develop real feelings for each other. Also, the man has to come up with the names for those feelings on his own. For instance, I can't tell him that I won't sleep with him until he says he loves me (or uses words that mean virtually the same thing), but I know that I won't be jumping into bed with him until I hear the right words. Answers like "I like you as a good friend" will not satisfy in this case.

Strangely enough, those were exactly the same words that Yoga Dad replied with when he asked if he could sleep with me and I posed that all-important question to him in return. That's when I knew that exclusive sex wasn't going to happen between us, because while I am lucky enough to have several good friends, I don't sleep with any of them. It turns out that my girlfriends were right: what Yoga Dad really wanted was a fuck buddy. His disadvantage on that level is that I've been there and done that, with bigger and better men. He's not in a good position for late night booty calls with his custody schedule of the 7-year-old daughter, either. As soon as I told him I wasn't ready for intimacy with him yet, he quickly slipped out of contact again, just as he did the first time, and I haven't heard a peep out of him since, except when he emailed me (!) to offer a rain check (!!) for our previously scheduled date, because he was suddenly Very Very Busy.

Thank you, Steve Harvey, for giving me a very handy barometer with which to measure men's intentions. And thank you girlfriends, for not saying "I told you so," after he bailed. I had so wanted Yoga Dad to be interested in having a relationship with me, not just in having occasional sex with me.

Oh well, back to more dating. Next post: 3 dates in a row!

I Dream of Mimi...

2009-05-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

In my dream, I was in Mimi's apartment in Greenwich Village. She was definitely Mimi from Sexagenarian in the City on the inside, but she had taken on the persona of Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex and The City for this dream, and we were throwing a party together. It's not really clear what kind of party it was, but we were demonstrating some kind of product, like tupperware, but a little more risque than plastic food containers. I think they might have been sex toys, in fact. From Denmark.

Characters from other movies kept coming and going in this dream, in which the setting was so true to life, right down to the furnishings in her apartment, except that my dream added in a few extra rooms downstairs as well as a much larger bathroom with wall to wall mirrors.

How would I know so many intimate details of Mimi's life, you might wonder. Well, my children changed their plans to come visit me at the last minute last month, so I asked Mimi if I could go visit her in New York City for Spring Break instead. It had been 6 years since I had last visited that metropolis, and it was time for me to return.

Sweet, gracious to a fault, fun, festive Mimi! She said yes, of course, even though she had 2 other house guests during the same week, a very busy work schedule, not to mention the fact that she had never met me in person. In fact, we had never even spoken on the phone, even though I knew her "voice" very well from the many emails we'd exchanged over the years, so I didn't feel uncomfortable in the least about taking this trip.

I arrived at 6 am on the Saturday before Easter. Mimi had 36 eggs boiled, ready to be decorated, and a pot of tea ready for me when I arrived. Even though I recognized her at once from the pictures we'd exchanged, she was so much prettier and funnier in person, and so sweet that we immediately carried on as if we'd known each other for years, which of course we had in a sense, since we've been reading each others' blogs since 2007 or so.

Mimi's neighborhood is amazing. Every time I stepped out of her apartment I felt like I was on the set of a movie or in an episode of SATC. She took me uptown for a walk in Central Park. It was so beautiful, with all of the daffodils and tulips in bloom and framed by majestic skyscrapers all around. I was lucky enough to be there just at the peak of the blooms, and we both took many pictures of each other that afternoon, hoping to get at least one good enough to put on our online dating profiles.

The lifestyle in New York is so different from here in California. Beautiful ornate buildings with high ceilings and grand staircases. Windows that face streets where you can hear the most unique snippets of conversation. Fabulous restaurants just steps away with the most magnificent food imaginable.

And Raoul, her doorman, who ran out to get me a cab at 4:30 am in his shirtsleeves when it was 40 degrees one morning, and who wouldn't take a tip, because I was a guest of Mimi's. Raoul, who greeted me very warmly the morning I arrived, spoke very protectively of Mimi, saying that she works hard, and is very busy, but when she's not working, she mostly stays in. I told him that I was there to change that, but as it turned out, I wasn't very effective at playing wing woman.

Mimi and I ventured out on a Saturday night with a mission: to meet men in the vicinity of her neighborhood, in hopes of having a blog-worthy experience. We had a good time, but we discovered that men in their 50s and 60s don't really go to bars or cafes on a Saturday night in Manhattan, except perhaps for the Irish pub we found a few blocks from her apartment. We walked in and sat at the bar, where the cute bartender came over and served us drinks. We practiced smiling at the surprising number of white-haired men there, standing around in groups of 2 or 3, and I even tried to take my scarf off in what I hoped was a seductive-but-not-too-suggestive manner. The music was good and not too loud, and the atmosphere was nice. Alas, no men approached us, and I lost the nerve to go over and invite one of them over to chat with us. We stayed for one drink, and smiled prettily at all of the men there, then made a graceful exit. I hope that some of them noticed us.

My visit was wonderful and way too short. We took in a Broadway musical together and had a superb Easter brunch with Mimi's mother (a special day for me as my own mother has passed away. Happy Mother's day, Mimi's mom!). There are so many more things I wanted to do but I'll have to save them for the next trip. Thank you Mimi for an unforgettable experience! Come visit me in San Diego soon!

Yoga Dad Resurfaces

2009-04-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

A few weeks after I wrote him off completely, I received an email from Yoga Dad. He wanted to apologize for his lack of communication. He wrote that continuing to date me would somehow make him feel

"...insincere and misleading, since I am still "looking" rather than totally focused on you".

Fair enough, I wrote back, but I already figured as much from the way you un-favorited me, so no hard feelings. And thanks for the closure, I told him, when most guys would have just done the fade-away-into-the-sunset.

The next day, he wrote back again, apparently intrigued by my response. This time, I couldn't believe what I was reading:

"Juliette, I really appreciate your taking the time to write me back. I am finding this "dating thing" to be crazy making. I "unfavorited" you because I would see your nice smile every time I'd open [dating site we met on]. I would feel guilty "bumping into you" and then going to look at "matches" (mostly non-matches to be honest). I guess I assumed exclusivity in dating without having checked it out with you."

WTF?? I had to go back and read that again. He assumed exclusivity with me? At what point did that happen? I wrote him back immediately and let him have it:

"Yoga Dad,

Do you mean to tell me that we were 'dating exclusively' for 2 or 3 weeks and I didn't even know it? Usually if I have an exclusive boyfriend, we have discussed it in person, we talk on the phone from time to time, and at the very least, he sends me emails and answers mine within the same day! I've had 2 very brief emails from you in 3 weeks. In my wildest dreams I never even imagined you were thinking about me at all after our date on Sunday. I certainly have never had such little contact from a man who was supposed to be 'dating' me!"

Shortly after that, he wrote back again, admitting that he was a dating mess. It seems that he was also enjoying our emails more than the actual dates he was going on. He said:

"I would like to revisit the possibility of us dating...I have met several women...and talked on the phone with more. None of them are half as much fun (or smart) as you. So, I'd like to invite you to join me this weekend for dinner (humble pie for me, filled with crow) when/if you are available. Since I already feel like a jerk...if you reject this offer it will confirm my ignorance or ineptness...so I'm bracing for that. I would like to start over again and enjoy your great company."

I wasn't available that weekend, or the next, because I went out of town, but 2 weeks later I decided to take him up on his offer. In the interim, he emailed every day, brought a present by my house and left it at the door (a CD that he knew I'd enjoy on the long airplane ride), and finally, offered to come by while I was gone and do some planting that I'd been wanting to have done in my front yard. The man was suddenly trying very hard to get back in my life. I have to admit I was enjoying the increase in attention. What could possibly come of a second chance with him? I know that he and I had a very strong chemistry, he made me laugh, and our kisses were stellar. But why was he so inept at dating? Out of practice, or simply addicted to searching the hundreds of faces online and unable to stay with just one?

Stay tuned for updates...

Bad Dates: It's Not Always About Me...

2009-04-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've just returned from an exciting Spring break trip! Details coming soon...

While I was away, I discovered that I was included in the list of the top 100 dating, relationship, and singles blogs published by the Toronto Speed Dating Blog!

Walt, in the comments section from the previous post, shared his concern that I am starting to take the bad dates too seriously. I must admit that it was getting a little depressing to open the Match inbox and only find emails from unsuitable suitors, such as 25 year old boys in Alabama and 75 year old men in Palm Springs. There didn't seem to be any dateable matches left after 40 dates and 10 months of this.

So, I made a date to meet the next eligible man for coffee, whomever he may be, because you never know. Date #40 seemed good on paper, even if he did live outside my preferred radius. He used to practice law and is now working in a profession which earns less money but he says he's happier in his current job (now that I've met him I shudder to think about the former unhappiness). We met at a coffee shop near the beach so we could go for a walk if we decided to spend more time together.

What I learned: It has little to do with a reaction to me when a man seems angry and depressed. Sometimes he's just not a happy person. This man definitely had issues, and they were obvious before he ever laid eyes on me. In fact, his body language and demeanor indicated a person whom I would never want to meet. As I arrived, I observed him sitting outside the cafe, facing the wrong way and hunched forward, arms crossed in front of his chest with a scowl on his face. I couldn't believe that he was my date, and was in fact praying that his happy-looking twin would be waiting inside the cafe for me with a big smile on his face. But no. I dreaded approaching him with that uninviting body language, but since I had driven all the way there, I took a deep breath, walked over and said hi. He was facing away from the entrance and I had to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention. He didn't stand or even extend a hand in greeting, and it went downhill from there.

Somehow I was able to have a sort of out-of-body experience on this date. I was able to see what transpired as if from a distance, and I saw clearly what I hardly ever get to see: my date's behavior upon a first meeting as a reflection of who he is, not who I am. His behavior really has nothing to do with me. It's all about who he is and how he reacts to the situation we are temporarily sharing. I am not defined by how he acts or who he is.

And so, I was able to walk away in less than 30 minutes with my self-esteem intact, and a profound sense of relief that I'm not involved with a man whom I'd feel depressed to be around. I will still be dating, but I'm going to be much more selective this time, since I now measure my dates according to the Juliette principle: does he seem like a person who will be more fun than staying home with myself on a Saturday night?

Staying Home on a Saturday Night is Better Than...

2009-04-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

If you could see the profiles of the men who are winking at me now, you'd stay home too:

I live with my cat in the back room of my business which is located in an industrial park. I'm waiting for the economy to improve or else I'm going bankrupt. I will ask you out for lunch but don't expect me to pay more than my share.

I have long hair which is part of my spiritual path and I follow the way of my Native America ancestors. I have a gentle touch, nature and spirit. I'm passionate, sensual, loving, considerate and giving. I like to let my hair dance on my lover's body while trailing my lips, with soft kisses all over. I like to touch and caress my partner's skin with my ponytail.

These are real pictures and profiles of just a few of the many scary men who have contacted me in the last few months. By the way, ladies, if a truck driver contacts you, do not go out with him. I don't know how much more I can take. I need a vacation from dating!

This weekend I turned down two dates with perfectly good-looking men because I'm suddenly tired of first dates. First meetings have started to feel like I'm either on a job interview or else I'm trying to figure out how to get away from him as quickly as possible without creating a scene.

A good date can be uplifting. It feels so good to be out and about with a man who is attractive and nice. The world seems a little brighter because I'm out having a good time with another adult who is successful and as happy with his life as I am. But a bad date can undo that good feeling in a New York minute.

I'm beginning to learn to be OK with staying home by myself, and I'm really enjoying the time spent alone with me. Often a good book or a DVD is better company than a stranger with whom I'm uncomfortable and unfamiliar. That's a healthy way to be, according to my
therapist, and many love experts. If I'm not comfortable with who I am and happy with myself (whether or not I'm in a relationship), then how can anyone else be?

Date #39: The Lawyer

2009-03-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

Lawyer winked at me and I winked back at him. He emailed a few days later and we started a back-and-forth correspondence which continued for 2 or 3 weeks. Eventually I answered one of his questions with "I'd be happy to tell you more about this in person", and so he took the hint and asked me out. We met at a nice place at the beach for a glass of wine. I wore the magic dress, and he wore a nice soft leather jacket and expensive shoes. I felt good as we talked, and I could tell he was appreciating me as much as I was appreciating his nice smile and sexy Italian looks. After a glass of wine, he asked me to stay and join him for dinner, which I did, and it was lovely. We had both lived in Hawaii as kids and we shared a lot of history and culture. He was very charming and his kisses were very sexy when the date was over later that evening. He asked me out right there on the spot for a second date; to go sailing with him and some friends a week later.

Lawyer is a very good communicator. I liked the fact that within one week he called twice and emailed me at least 5 times. We discussed our upcoming outing at length. He wanted to drive 30 miles in rush hour traffic to pick me up at my house, then turn around and drive us back down to his yacht club to meet the boat. I couldn't decide if he felt the need to check out the value of my house before we got involved, or if he was hoping I'd invite him in after the night was over. I offered on 2 different occasions to drive down to meet him myself, since it made so much more sense than him driving 60 miles before our date would even start. He insisted upon driving, though, so I adjusted my time accordingly, and in the end was grateful for the extra hour in which to prepare for the event.

Then, shortly before he was supposed to be arriving to pick me up, he called to say that that he was still in court. His trial had been delayed, and he asked if I'd be able to drive down to meet him after all. I agreed, despite my new rule about canceling if a man changes the date details, because this was a new excuse to me and it did seem plausible. Even though I really liked him, I was quite grumpy about this change of plans, because it was a Friday. I was tired from working all week, the traffic was heavy, and I had to stop and fill my car with gas on the way there. I was totally unprepared for this unexpected twist and I felt that it foreshadowed bad things to come.

I arrived at the yacht club exactly at the same time he did, in his new Jaguar, and the parking attendant seemed to look down his nose at my not-so-new Japanese car with its Obama and peace sign bumper stickers plastered on the back. Lawyer gave me a quick hug (what, no kiss?) in the parking lot and then we proceeded to the 40-foot yacht where several friends of his were meeting for cocktails and a cruise around the bay at sunset. They were polite enough, but I felt like I was on display; being carefully scrutinized from head to toe, especially by the women in the group. The demographics: The men were all older by 5-10 years than their wives/girlfriends, and all had money and big boats. The majority of the women, if they were working at all, were not earning salaries at careers which would allow them to support themselves in their current lifestyles. This irritated me and made me feel out of place. The seating arrangements were old-school; the men all sat together and talked shop, while the women gathered at the other end of the cabin and spoke amongst themselves. There were 4 couples besides Lawyer and me. I was tired and weary from fighting traffic and was not in the mood for trying to be polite and feign interest in their idle chatter about people and things I had no knowledge of. After all, I didn't agree to go on this date to get to know Lawyer's friends' wives. Time was moving very slowly and I was getting crankier as the evening wore on. It was hard work trying to think of vacuous conversation starters, and trying to respond politely and charmingly to their comments and questions was almost beyond me. If they hadn't been serving extremely tasty cocktails I would have bailed. After a few hours of this tiresome scenario, where every now and then new couples (everyone was a couple; now I realize why I had been invited) would drift in and out, someone decided that it was too late to go out for a trip around the bay. Someone else decided that we would all walk over to a nearby restaurant where live music was playing.

Thank god for the change of venue, because it was the only truly enjoyable part of the night. I actually got to sit next to my date, relax, feel comfortable, and enjoy some conversation and dinner with him while a band played blues in the background. I asked him if he ran all of his dates through the gauntlet of his friends' cocktail hour. He laughed and said no; I was the first. A while later I asked his friend, a retired fire department captain, to repeat a story that they both had been chuckling about. It concerned an emergency call that the fire department had received one day about an unconscious man in the restroom of a bar. When he and his men responded, they noticed upon entering the establishment that all of the patrons were shirtless young men. After they realized that it was a gay bar, none of the firemen were willing to go into the bathroom, so they just turned around and left. Everyone at the table (except me) was laughing at this story as I was wondering if it is even legal for a fireman to refuse to help a person in need, not to mention how heartless and wrong it was. Strike one against the Homophobic Lawyer.

I tried to steer the conversation back to something positive. Lawyer had attended the same elite prep school as our president had in Honolulu (although not simultaneously). We realized that we had both been born in the territory of Hawaii before it was granted statehood, a statistic which we're both proud to share with the president. Then we chatted about politics. It turns out that though he voted for Obama in the election, he now regrets doing so. He is actually a Republican. And he voted for Bush in the previous election! Strike two for the Homophobic Republican Lawyer.

One of the couples at the table seemed nice; they told me that they had been married for 30 years, which is quite an accomplishment these days. I asked Lawyer how he had met them, and he said that they had hired him to represent them. It turns out that they sued the yacht club after the wife tripped and fell while disembarking from their boat one night. He alluded to the fact that it was not really the yacht club's fault (she had been drinking), but they all made a lot of money from it, enough to buy a big boat, and that was that: Strike three, you're out, you Homophobic, Republican, Unethical, Sleazy Lawyer!

As he walked me towards my car after dinner, I knew he had sensed my increasing disenchantment with him throughout the night, but still he asked if he could call me some time. The epitome of the difference between men and women: we won't say we'll call you when it's obvious we never will. I mumbled something like "If you want" and got in my car, ready to make the long drive home. Later I wrote to Mimi of Sexagenarian and the City, and described the Lawyer's nightmare of a social group and the exhausting events of my date. "Is this really how grownups have to behave?" I asked her, feeling like a hopeless case and knowing I'd be doomed to be single forever if it were true.

Bless her heart; this is what she replied:

"No: just Republicans..."

How I Lost a Boyfriend And Gained A Mechanic In 5 Dates

2009-03-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

Date two with Gemini went extremely well. We met for dinner again at an even more intimate place where we could talk and stare into each other's eyes and drink wine for hours on end. When it was over, he walked me to my car, then we sat there and talked for an hour. This time he kissed me much more passionately than before and there was no doubt that he had feelings for me. In fact, he whispered the L-word very softly after one particularly long kiss! I pulled away and asked, "WHAT did you say?" He apologized profusely and said that it had been so long since he'd kissed someone like me, he had simply gotten so carried away and he couldn't help himself. We had already decided to see each other the very next night, so I made him promise that he would not say anything more about love, especially since he hadn't even seen me naked yet. I don't know if it was the word "naked" or the word "yet" that did it, but he nearly passed out right there in my car from loss of blood to his brain.

I went to his place for date #3 with a sense of trepidation. He had demonstrated a sweet but serious case of inexperience with women and relationships the night before and things had the potential to go really well or turn extremely icky, depending on how he handled himself. Luckily, he was a perfect mensch, and we spent the whole day together, walking around his scenic town, visiting parks and shops and small cafes. Later that night we talked more about sex and relationships. He had been married for 24 years, and divorced for 3. During the last 3 years, he had an immediate rebound girlfriend whom he moved in with immediately following the separation from his ex-wife. That was the extent of his experience: 2 women in 27 years. But during the course of the night he showed a few signs of having plenty of expertise with pleasing the opposite sex and I no longer had any doubt that he'd be great in bed. But would he be a good boyfriend? I had already made up my mind no matter what, I was delaying sex this time around for at least a month. I told him it would take some time for me to feel comfortable enough to take that next step with him. He said he was fine with that and wanted to know if we could see each other again the very next day.

Date #4 was at my house. We were going to cook but he decided to fix my speaker wire and stereo connections for the surround sound setup which had previously been installed incorrectly. Gemini is very good with his hands and quite mechanical, and in no time he convinced me that he knew his way around all things electrical. We went for a long walk again and he told me that he was ready for a full-time long-term relationship and didn't want to waste time living apart. Suddenly I felt stifled. I had just spent the whole weekend with him. Now I just wanted to do laundry, clean my house, and sit at my computer and answer some emails. I even wanted to log onto my dating sites and check for new emails from the other men I'd been corresponding with. It was way too soon for me to be joined at the hip with a man I hardly knew. I wondered if his strong urge to commit to me was brought on because I hadn't slept with him yet or if he was just a man who needs to be in a relationship all of the time. He had a lot of baggage and obviously wasn't really over the ex wife or the last girlfriend yet. I needed a break from him and some time to digest that a perfectly handsome and sexy man was willing to be my instant boyfriend. This was all happening too soon and suddenly he seemed like a really bad idea. But as fate would have it, I would have to see him the following day as well. He had taken my car to his shop (he owns an auto repair business) to fix my brakes.

The next day after work I drove the loaner to his shop and retrieved my car. I insisted on paying, but he still didn't charge me anywhere near enough for a full brake job. I offered to buy him dinner, and he agreed readily. At the restaurant I was finally able to tell him that it just wasn't going to work between us. He took it well enough, although there were tears in his eyes while I explained my reasons. He said that I could bring my car to his shop any time it needed repair. We did some final kissing and some making out, and I almost felt a little regret that we'd never see each other naked. But that was cured by the sense of relief I felt as I drove home, alone.

The (sorta) Real Live Guy and The Un-Favorite

2009-03-04T22:35:00.000-08:00

Date #38, Gemini, found me online, and sent me a nice letter of introduction and a link to his Facebook page. I have been inundated with Facebook friend requests at every turn lately, as I'm apparently the last one on the planet to resist joining this network. I continue to hesitate to sign up for an account, because there are already scores of ways to hunt me down on the internet, and I really don't feel the need to add one more chunk of guilt-inducing cyberspace to my life at this time. It sounds like just one more thing that would become an obligation, one that I'd eventually fail to update in a timely manner, thereby creating more stress in my life.

The first thing I thought after looking at Date #38's Facebook page: Why are there pictures of Larry (my tax man) all over Gemini's photo album? It turns out that they are very good friends and they go camping together all the time. This is good news for me, because that elevates Gemini to a sort of Real-Live Guy status, as Larry and his wife have both vouched for him. In fact, they think he's a great guy (I've asked them countless times over the years if they knew any available men to introduce me to but somehow they never thought to mention this man). Now there would presumably be some sort of accountability when all was said and done. At the very least, he wouldn't be able to pull a disappearing act after a few dates without some explaining to somebody about what happened.

By the time he got around to asking me out, dinner seemed like the best plan, since we had already established a rapport and we both knew a lot about each other's history. Since this was my first (sort of) RLG, and given the romantic location he chose, I took a chance and wore the magic dress on a first date. It was a very successful date, and we both liked each other! His son is in his 20s and has moved away from home, and it turns out that we have a lot in common. He loves to travel, has the means to do so, and he thinks I'm lovely (brilliant man). He asked me out again so I'll see him this weekend (I may have to look for another dress to wear).

****

I didn't wear the magic dress on my second date with Yoga Dad, since we decided to go walking and visiting museums in a hilly part of town and there was a possibility of rain. The date went well enough; it lasted all afternoon and into the evening, and there was lots more kissing this time at the end of the night. He clearly wanted it to go further, saying he would have his 7 year old daughter the next week and this would be our last chance to be together for 2 weeks. I was not feeling it however; it was too soon (I had only just met him one day prior to this). He said goodnight, promising he'd be in touch about when we could get together again.

Why do I now feel that there is a vast conspiracy of single dads intent on playing the field and getting a lot of mileage out of the "I have my kids this week" excuse? I'm currently dating 3 of them, and they all go incommunicado during their week with the kids. Back when my kids were younger, I had them full time and I worked 2 jobs as well. There was no ex to hand them off to every 2 weeks, as he lived out of state. But, I still was able to make time to talk to the man I was dating, at least every other night, and I always answered his emails the same day he wrote to me. These 3 stooges might send one brief email per week, if at all, and they never call me, not once, during their week with kids. Yet when I sign on to Match or my other sites, they are always "online now!" every single night, for hours on end. What, they can't send a quick "thinking about you" email in between perusing the dating sites? Or are they so busy IMing other women that they can't be bothered with me? Clearly, the single dads are just not that into me when they are "with their kids". And then, when they are ready to be with me again, they are very big on excuses:

Writer: I lost my cell phone, and that's the only place I had your number (Twice he used this one). Also, I'm still working on the book.

Sideways: I am booked up the rest of this week and next with kids, legal, dentist and work stuff. Next week is my daughter's birthday too.

Yoga Dad: Lots of distracting life in the way. We lost one of our dogs, so there has been plenty of search and rescue efforts going on.

Me: (thinking) Oh Really??!!?? It occurs to me that maybe there are actually no kids at all. Maybe they have other women they're seeing on this week off from me, and they can only focus on one of us at a time. Whatever. I have finally decided that I'm over them, and I'm sticking to my preferred kind of man from now on. One who has older kids like mine who are out on their own. One who has the time to make staying in touch with me a priority.

So, a few days ago, after I decided to ditch the single dads, Yoga Dad committed the ultimate online dating insult: he Un-Favorited me! One day I checked, and there he was when I clicked "Who's favorited me" on Match. The next day, poof! He had disappeared from that list. Now I know without a doubt that he has moved on too, and he didn't even have to waste one second of his precious time composing an email to let me know. Asshat. Glad I didn't waste the magic dress on him. And, if he really does in fact have a 7 year old daughter, it would never have worked anyway. I can't possibly imagine having to wait 11 or 12 years until she goes away to college before being able to have his full attention.

The Sisterhood of the Magic Dress and Date #37: Yoga Dad

2009-02-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

Are you going to wear your pretty dress? You know, the "magic dress"? Asked Mimi, who has been my daily, sometimes even hourly, email companion and co-commiserator as I try to keep my head above water while swimming in the dating pool. Even though she lives in NYC and we've never met in person, she knows more about me and my rendezvous than a lot of my friends whom I see on a regular basis.

Ah, the magic dress. It's nothing special, and it's not even new. I bought it at Target (they don't even have it in stock anymore but this picture is similar) over a year ago, thinking it would be good to take to Paris with me because the material is soft and springy and it wouldn't need ironing (that dress didn't make it to Paris and I forgot all about it until recently). It's black with a faint pattern and it wraps across the front, which creates a nice v-neck and shows just the right amount of cleavage.

I finally pulled it out of the closet a few men ago, after realizing that I've never worn a dress on a date. Why, after 30-plus dates, hadn't I ever worn a dress? Well, mostly because I am not a dress-wearing kind of girl. I'm tall and my legs are long, and they seem to be too white even in the summer and I don't like to wear hose, and, well, pants just feel more flattering and less fussy. Plus, I'd feel kind of overdressed in it on a first-meeting coffee date, where most of the men here wear jeans or even shorts, as if I were too eager or trying to call attention to myself.

So, after discussing it with Mimi, I decided to wear the dress on a second date. The first time I did that, I was invited to Madrid, and the second time I wore it, the man asked if he could get us a hotel room! It didn't take me long to realize that the reaction to me in this dress is quite favorable. It's a great second-date outfit, because once the man and I have established that we share some chemistry, it allows me to present myself as a serious yet sexy woman, thanks to the wizardry of the bosom-enhancing drape in front.

Yoga Dad wanted to go for a walk on the beach, so of course I didn't wear the dress for our first meeting. But, just evoking the image of it in my head must have worked some special mojo, because it was a most excellent date! I got to the designated meeting spot early, got myself a cup of tea, and waited in a rear corner so I could watch him approach. Just before he arrived, however, my cell phone rang and I answered it, totally missing his entrance. A moment later, I glanced up and suddenly there he was, leaning towards me. We looked directly into each other's eyes, and my heart skipped a beat. He was really cute! Much better looking than his picture. We walked down the steep steps to the sand where there was a wedding ceremony just finishing up. Yoga Dad then further impressed me by helping a few little old ladies leaving the scene in their dresses and high heels up to the stairs from the sand. We walked and talked and made each other laugh. We stopped to watch the sunset. He held my hand. Then he asked me to dinner. After dinner there was live music and dancing, and then some kissing. At the end, he asked me out for a second date. Guess what I'll be wearing?

My Funny Valentine

2009-02-19T15:18:00.000-08:00

I've been having a very busy February. First, someone near and dear to me has a starring role in a movie which premiered in a city north of here. I was invited to the event and had a fabulous time. I was so proud and happy to be included in this amazing experience, and it was a night I'll never forget.

Because I simply had to share this news with everyone I know, I inadvertently included Writer (whose email was still in my address book) in my mass email announcing the party and premiere to all my friends. He wrote back with congratulations since he knows and respects the family member in question, and we began corresponding again after 3 months as if we had never ceased communication. He told me how thrilled he was to be included in my email, and that he didn't think he'd ever hear from me again, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that my contacting him had been accidental. He insisted that I let him take me out for dinner as a way to make amends for his dropping the ball 3 months ago. I accepted, and we had a very nice time together, and one thing led to another which is how I ended up with a date on Valentine's Day.

I had fully expected to be alone on VD, so it was surprisingly fun and romantic to spend it with him, and old familiar feelings of attraction resurfaced as we spent a lovely night drinking champagne and eating chocolate. Interestingly enough, the tables have turned now, and He is the one who has taken his dating profile down, while I am actively busy online and dating multiple men. After seeing him a few times, I realize that now that I could have him back as an exclusive dating partner, I don't want that anymore. But he seems more interested in me than ever, so I have agreed to date him occasionally - in between my other dates - and see how it goes. Very unexpected. I hardly ever get this kind of closure with a man whom I've previously dated.

Meanwhile, Sideways is still in the picture, but busy with work and his kids and some outpatient surgery, so I won't be seeing him until March. I'm still not ready to give him up yet, so I will keep the date open for him and see if it begins to fizzle or continues to sizzle.

There are 2 other men I'll be meeting soon: Blue Hawaii, who actually lives in Maui but has a place here too, and gives good email but could turn out to be awful (remember Lifeguard back in December?). The other one I'm more excited about: Yoga Dad, with whom I share a birthday (he's a few years older), but who also has half time custody of a young child. It's strange: even though I state on my profile that I want to date men in the same phase of life as me, i.e. empty nest, free to come and go as you please, I seem to be attracted to the single dads, and they to me. Maybe if I get a few dads I really like who have opposite custody schedules, I could alternate them and stay busy every weekend?

I have a lot of men writing to me on the dating sites, including Oh Doctor, who blew me off last July and now says he's ready to see me again, but I have decided to be just a little more choosy this time around. I have turned down far more dates than I have accepted this month, which is a first for me.

It seems I am finally getting to a good place with myself and would rather be alone than spend time with a man who doesn't excite me somehow, either intellectually, physically, or emotionally.

Three Dates in a Row

2009-02-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

Date #35, El Capitan, contacted me last summer while he was on a sailing trip South of the Border. We exchanged a few emails but eventually I decided that he was too far away to consider dating.

Six months later he contacted me again. This time he was back in town for a while, so we met up for drinks and then dinner; a date which lasted for 5 1/2 hours. He is the captain of a 51-foot sailboat which he regularly sails all around the world. He also lives on this boat, and I must admit that most of my attraction for him is all about that vessel. He is a lot older than me (10 years) and looks a little salty and pirate-y, which I also must admit appeals to my fantasy of being kidnapped by buccaneers.

Our first date was fun, consisting of him telling seafaring tales, me getting in a few words about myself here and there, and lots of cocktails. I asked a lot of questions about his boat, because I was starting to think that if things worked out between us, I might be able to sail to the Channel Islands with him on a trip he's planning for this summer. I pictured myself on his boat with the queen-sized bed in the captain's quarters, having wild romantic sex with him every night at sunset, the waves rocking us to sleep in each others' arms, then watching the sun come up together (picture Johnny Depp in the movie Chocolat with that other Juliette). Very exciting stuff.

Date 2 put all of those fantasies to rest, however. First, he told me more stories of life aboard his ship, and how everyone stands a 4 to 8 hour watch on the boat, and if he and I went on a trip together we would trade off having 4 hour watches (what, no sleeping together in the captain's quarters? Only 4 hours of sleep at a time?). Once, a female member of the crew ran them into some fishing lines, so he made her go overboard to cut them when there was a shark in the water nearby (He laughed as he told this story, as the woman was unaware of the shark until later). There were a lot of stories about women who had signed on as crew members and proved themselves un-seaworthy, and later had to be sent home from the nearest port. Some of his stories were repeats from our last date, and some I'd already heard on our first phone conversation. I realized that this man is the captain for a reason. He likes to be in charge, he loves to hear himself talk, and he doesn't particularly like or respect women.

What with the recycled stories, the scary tales of how he treats women, and the no time for sex on board, I definitely will pass on this one. It will be sad to see my dream of sailing with him fade, but not the man himself. Adios El Capitan.

My third date with Sideways was excellent. I offered to cook dinner for him at my house this time, so he came over, we had a wonderful evening, and he didn't leave until the next morning. All I can tell you is !??!!!**&&%%$$$##!!!?

In other words, I still like him and hope to see a lot more of him.

Date #36, The Pilot, was not a fun date at all. He sounded great on the phone, had a nice voice, and we knew a lot of the same people from 20 years ago when we both worked at the same airport. But now he's afraid to drive in the rain and forgot my name between our phone call and our date. He called me by another name throughout the date (and just so I'd have something interesting to write about him, I didn't even correct him). He looked like he was in his late 70s, dressed in old man clothes, and before I even got a chance to offer, asked me to pay for half of the bill (cheap!!) and said that if I didn't have cash, I could put it on my credit card. Tacky. Absolutely nothing appealing about him, but I had to meet him to rule him out, and so I did. Oh, and he is also a nudist. EWWWWW! He apparently thought/hoped that I might be one too, based on some random comment in my profile. Not only did I have to sit and stare at his bald head for an hour, but now I have a (hypothetical) image of his wrinkled, naked, old man body burned into my retinas forever...

I have tried very hard to date older men, because a lot of them are looking for women in my age group, but for many reasons I feel that we are worlds apart. They don't really get me and I don't always get them. The men my age, for instance, mostly didn't go into the military after high school, in fact are typically anti-war and politically they tend to lean to the left. But men who are 10 years older than me, in my experience, traditionally went into the armed services after high school and fought in some war or conflict, and many of them are conservative and tend to vote Republican. That difference divides us and many times it seems that we are from different cultures. There is even a different language that they speak, calling women "gals", for instance, that sets us further apart. I have yet to meet an older man with whom I feel an instant camaraderie.

I am still trying to meet more men, as I think it's good to be dating 3 or 4 at the same time. I can't rely on Sideways for all of my dating fun, as we are both treating this as a FWB situation for now. A really fun one, to be sure, but I'm in this for a LTR, so I must carry on with the task at hand. There is only one other man in the near future besides Sideways, so it's back to the dating sites for now.

Very Promising Second Dates, Part II

2009-02-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

In which Sideways invites me on a vacation to Madrid, whereupon I have unplanned, mind-blowing sex with him...

Yes. Despite my new rules and knowing how men have to experience "the chase", I went for tapas and sangria with Sideways, and then got horizontal with him on our second date. Somehow I knew that he would never be good LTR material for me, what with him juggling his own business, single fatherhood, and half time custody of his 2 young kids. I guess I just decided that I would have fun and give in to the moment with him. And while I had absolutely no preconceived intention of doing so, I gave in all the way.

Sideways had mentioned an upcoming business trip to a Spanish city for a trade show on our first date. I remember telling him that I had always wanted to visit that city. During dinner on date 2, he told me that because of the economy, he had decided that very day that he would stay here in town and save money by not attending the trade show this year. It's such a shame, he explained, because the airfare for two was already purchased, and the bed & breakfast was in a magnificent location, near a museum and some great restaurants. I asked why he didn't go for just a week instead of the 15 days that he originally booked, and make it into a pleasure trip versus a business trip. He said he wouldn't go for just a vacation to Madrid unless he could take someone like me with him, because he's been there so often that unless he had a friend to share the museums, churches, and restaurants with, it would be no fun.

Now here's the exciting part: I happened to have my passport in my purse that day because I had needed it for a meeting I'd been to the day before. I reached in my purse and showed it to him, and then he asked me if I would possibly consider getting some time off work to go with him. As it happened, I already had 5 days vacation coming up (for another trip that I traditionally take every year), and I immediately said yes, knowing that my friend C would forgive me if I canceled on her for this opportunity. We had a few details to iron out: I needed to get a few more days off on either side of the ones I already had, and he needed to make a call to stop the cancellation of the B & B, which he had done just a few hours before our date.

Suddenly, neither of us was hungry anymore. We left the restaurant and headed straight to his house, where we had the most awesome sex of my life so far. Afterwards, we planned what to pack for our vacation and what I could expect to see while in Madrid, and then we had more sex. It was by far the best second date yet.

The next day, he called to tell me some bad news: The B & B was given away to another customer, and because of the trade show, there were no rooms to be had at all anywhere near that town at this late date. I had just discovered that due to some important testing at my school, I would be unable to take any other days off. The trip was not to be. But he wants to see me again, and I can't deny that I want to see him too.

You may wonder if there ever really was a reservation in the first place. Maybe this was an elaborately concocted ruse to lure me into his bed? Well, he showed me a copy of the itinerary when we got to his house that night, but even if it had been bogus, je ne regrette rien.

In a new strategic dating technique, I have decided to keep seeing him, even though I'm pretty sure it will never lead to anything permanent. My plan: I'll have a couple of great nights with Sideways every 2 weeks while simultaneously continuing my online search for Mr. Right. With this scenario going for me, I shouldn't be at all tempted to begin a sexual relationship too soon with the next nice guy I meet. I'll be able to wait longer and make sure that we have the basis for a solid relationship before jumping into bed with future Mr. Right. This is the first time in my life that having a FWB has made complete sense to me.

As for the next guy, stay tuned for date #35: El Capitan. We also had a fabulous first date, and so this week I will have date 3 with Sideways followed by date 2 with El Cap!