The Short Bus To Romance

It seems that all of the old proverbs may have a bit of truth to them after all. Maybe all I had to do was completely accept the idea that my life is OK just as it is, and be fine with the fact that I could possibly remain single from this point on. Whatever happened - my paradigm, as they say, has up and shifted.

While I've been learning to live in the here and now, enjoying my single status, very slowly, at the edge of my consciousness, a tiny appreciation for romance has come creeping back into my heart. At a friend's Christmas party, I ran into a few men from my past. We chatted and had a good time and I felt respected and admired in their presence. No dates resulted from this encounter, but somehow it started a sea change in my heart where I began to seek out friendly exchanges with men. In just one week, I found myself involved in conversations with a total of 4, some from Meetup groups and some from other online connections. Without any fuss at all, one of them has even convinced me to join him for dinner. Here is the interesting thing about all of this: I don't feel like I need to put on a show to impress these men. I don't feel the need to prove I'm worthy to them.  I find I'm able to realize my own worth, so that they are the ones who need to do the fancy footwork. Which results in them trying to impress me! I think I'm starting to get, after all these years, what this dating thing is supposed to feel like from the woman's point of view.

Never in my life (until now) have I been able to go on a first date without a lot of nervousness (well, fear, actually) that the man in question would look into my soul and zero in on all of my weaknesses, and realize that I'm not worthy of his attention. If I somehow made the cut, I'd hold my breath on each and every following date, waiting for him drop the bomb that I just didn't measure up to all of the other ladies in his life. If we kept going out beyond a few months and we somehow got involved in a relationship, then I'd lose a little interest and respect for all of them, certain that they must be majorly flawed to not see my shortcomings.  Crazy, I know.  An over-critical mother, a too-distant father, whatever - it has taken me a long time and much therapy to undo those old feelings of insecurity, and I'm thrilled to report that I actually look forward to this coming date in a whole new way. To some people, this probably seems like a very basic skill and no big deal, but when it comes to love, I'm on the short bus. Definitely a slow learner in the ways of romance.