Desperate Measures For Desperate Times

Alas, the sultry days of summer are over.

You know what that means - fall is in the air and men are coming out of hibernation on the dating sites. They are not fully active yet, but they have begun peeking out of their man-caves trying to sniff out some female companionship. Most are still in lazy mode and can barely lift a finger, but some can be found cutting and pasting canned emails into as many inboxes as possible before becoming fully distracted by the beginning of football season.

Someone must be giving them some kind of positive reinforcement or else they surely would have given up this tactic by now. I honestly would love to know exactly how many women actually respond to emails like this one which I received recently (my comments in bold):

Hi Lovely Lady! [The game will be on soon - I don't have time to personalize these things]

I truly enjoyed seeing your profile here [ditto the name of the dating site...I'm on so many I can't keep track] and would like to get to know you better. After reading what you wrote here, I feel that we share some commonalities which makes us a good match [ I didn't bother reading your profile but your picture looks OK]. You're a very attractive woman and have absolutely gorgeous eyes. [your ass wasn't visible in your pictures so I'll settle for the next best feature] I also like the fact that you seem like someone who is sincerely seeking a loving, committed, relationship of true substance with one special person and that's very important to me [It's important that you be committed to pleasing me and only me - I however will not be committing to anyone].

I just got back into town yesterday, after spending time with my dying father who lives back east. He has been battling Parkinson's disease for quite a number of years now and it's hard to see him in his current condition. After seeing him, this past week, it reaffirmed to me how precious that life truly is and has inspired me to continue to live my life to the absolute fullest, as we never know how much time that we will have here in this world. [I saw this in a Hallmark movie - supposedly chicks dig caring sensitive men with an impending loss of a loved one] It also made me realize, more than ever before, how important that it is to find someone to truly love and be loved by. Because ultimately sharing true love with someone very special IS the most precious gift that we can ever receive from life.[and my hand is getting very tired from giving it to myself]

Please be so kind to read my profile [unlike me - I'm not the kind of guy who reads anything] and if you're seeking a kind, caring, compassionate, fun, adventurous, romantic, passionate, gentleman who will treat you better than you can imagine, [and believe me it will have to be in your imagination, because I only do dutch treat] then do get in touch with me. I will leave you here with my phone number and will invite you to call me anytime. If you happen to be more of a traditional lady who would prefer me to call you first, then send me your phone number with a good time to reach you and I'll certainly give you a call soon.[If I don't get any calls from other women first]

I will have a lot of free time for the remainder of this holiday weekend [If you saw me you would understand why] and would love to speak with you, so that we can get to know each other better.[in the biblical sense of course] So, let's share a nice phone conversation and even try to meet, if [I can peel myself off my sofa] you feel so inclined. I hope that you have an awesome Labor Day and I'll hopefully be speaking with you soon. And if I don't hear back from you then I do truly wish you the very best in your quest for finding that special someone.

Warmly,
Scott

In your dreams, Scott!