"...insincere and misleading, since I am still "looking" rather than totally focused on you".
Fair enough, I wrote back, but I already figured as much from the way you un-favorited me, so no hard feelings. And thanks for the closure, I told him, when most guys would have just done the fade-away-into-the-sunset.
The next day, he wrote back again, apparently intrigued by my response. This time, I couldn't believe what I was reading:
"Juliette, I really appreciate your taking the time to write me back. I am finding this "dating thing" to be crazy making. I "unfavorited" you because I would see your nice smile every time I'd open [dating site we met on]. I would feel guilty "bumping into you" and then going to look at "matches" (mostly non-matches to be honest). I guess I assumed exclusivity in dating without having checked it out with you."
WTF?? I had to go back and read that again. He assumed exclusivity with me? At what point did that happen? I wrote him back immediately and let him have it:
"Yoga Dad,
Do you mean to tell me that we were 'dating exclusively' for 2 or 3 weeks and I didn't even know it? Usually if I have an exclusive boyfriend, we have discussed it in person, we talk on the phone from time to time, and at the very least, he sends me emails and answers mine within the same day! I've had 2 very brief emails from you in 3 weeks. In my wildest dreams I never even imagined you were thinking about me at all after our date on Sunday. I certainly have never had such little contact from a man who was supposed to be 'dating' me!"
Shortly after that, he wrote back again, admitting that he was a dating mess. It seems that he was also enjoying our emails more than the actual dates he was going on. He said:
"I would like to revisit the possibility of us dating...I have met several women...and talked on the phone with more. None of them are half as much fun (or smart) as you. So, I'd like to invite you to join me this weekend for dinner (humble pie for me, filled with crow) when/if you are available. Since I already feel like a jerk...if you reject this offer it will confirm my ignorance or ineptness...so I'm bracing for that. I would like to start over again and enjoy your great company."
I wasn't available that weekend, or the next, because I went out of town, but 2 weeks later I decided to take him up on his offer. In the interim, he emailed every day, brought a present by my house and left it at the door (a CD that he knew I'd enjoy on the long airplane ride), and finally, offered to come by while I was gone and do some planting that I'd been wanting to have done in my front yard. The man was suddenly trying very hard to get back in my life. I have to admit I was enjoying the increase in attention. What could possibly come of a second chance with him? I know that he and I had a very strong chemistry, he made me laugh, and our kisses were stellar. But why was he so inept at dating? Out of practice, or simply addicted to searching the hundreds of faces online and unable to stay with just one?
Stay tuned for updates...
14 comments:
Interesting to say the least. I'm always suspicious of people who change there view and then really put on a show. Take it slow and see what happens. Time always tells.
to answer yr seemingly rhetorical question, Why is/ was he so inept at dating?
some guesses:
1) he's always been inept at dating; hence his need to find a new partner
2) he has had very little practice since his most recent marriage / relationship failed: you're the first he's tried his skills on
3) i can't think of any more possibilities: it's got to be #1 or #2 above.
the question now is, Can he become ept?
Time Will Tell.
i see mike & i leave you with the same brilliant platitude: Time will tell.
it must be the truth.
You aren't the only one who is suspicious. The majority of people think he's just out for sex, so I'm taking it real slow and easy to see if that is the case.
I guess it's unanimous then. I will have to be very careful this time to see exactly what his motive is. Nobody, least of all me, would want to date a "dating mess". And how does one become ept at this game?
I think it's the addiction thing -- like a kid in a candy store. He thinks there is always something better down the pike.
I think also it is the awkwardness of online dating, where men often feel "forced" to make a snap decision. They feel that the expectation is, if they ask you out again, it means you are well on the way to a "real" relationship. I have heard men say that they feel very weird regarding the "second date," because requesting a second date holds big meaning that the first date/meeting doesn't hold.
Someone somewhere mentioned how they liked that cats went from "zero to 60." I think of that when my cats are sleeping. You wake them, and in a heartbeat they are wide awake and bounding around. I think some people, especially those new to the online thing, feel that way -- that the process requires them to go from zero to 60. You meet as strangers, you become a couple, zip, zip. Social norms are turned on their head online, after all. Typically you don't talk to strangers. The internet encourages you to talk to strangers.
It is possible that Yoga Dad is new to online dating and therefore less well-versed in how it works and how it feels and how it fails.
--PT
PT,
I think that you are correct in that Yoga Dad did assume our second date put us in a relationship status. And yes, I have learned that he is fairly new to online dating. But I disagree with your idea that the internet encourages talking to strangers. For some people that may be true, but the men I date are way more familiar to me than people I meet in real life; I know their background, education, income and occupation. By the time we meet, I usually know their name and address and the name(s) of their ex wives too. I probably know more about them than most of their colleagues do because of the rigorous screening techniques I use. But still, some things can only be determined after the passage of time. So I'll take it slow and wait to see if YD's intentions are pure. In the meantime, thank you for your comments - they really help me to process this newfound interest on his part.
Two additional points:
(1) I would say the "facts" you know about these men tell you nothing about how you will get along. For sure you may know many things about them, but the things you know are not relevant. I have never found that I am any more likely to connect with men with a similar background. Men I "should" get along with are often those I have nothing to say to.
(2) Having some experience with the law, I am stunned at how opposing counsel can take what I think is a clear point and completely twist it around to mean the opposite. It's kind of scary, even. I think many men communicate in a similar way. Their interpretation of the facts is different from yours, incomprehensibly and staggeringly different.
So.....what's the reason for his newfound interest? Still a mystery. Let us know when you do.
--PT
PT,
You may be right about the facts I listed not necessarily being an indicator of our compatibility. But you said that the internet encourages me to talk to strangers, and my point was that none of the men I date are strangers by the time we finally meet in person.
As for Yoga Dad's newfound interest, well, I'm hoping it's as he said: he realized that I am smarter, funnier, and prettier than the other women he was meeting! Of course, if he was really smart, he would have realized that right away, but remember, he's not very good at this dating thing. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Until I see any evidence to the contrary.
a man who can admit he is a mess. almost unbelievable, yet refreshing.
i am glad he has resurfaced.
go out, have fun, laugh and life.
good for you.
the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
-r
R,
Good point. And isn't that what we all want, after all? Love...
It's what I'm hoping to learn this time around.
thanks for the reply juliette.
yes, love. that is what we all want. even worse,it is what we all crave. nothing worse then a craving unfilled.
hope all your dreams come to fruition.
-r
I don't know - he might be sincere. Maybe he's new to online dating (I didn't read previous posts on him, so maybe I'm off on this point).
I usually become very attached to a woman I like right away. It is hard for me if she is dating multiple guys, and not making time to see me. Then I really ask myself - am I that into her?
I guess that's the point. If I'm really that into a woman, I will doggedly pursue her. The thing is, it sounds like that's exactly what Yoga Man is doing right now.
The question is, what are his motivations... Sex? Finally realized he's into you? Fear of rejection? Only time will tell. Take it slow. Glad you are giving him another look, though.
DH,
My question is, if a man is just out for sex, will he doggedly pursue until he gets it even if it takes months? I mean, how does one find out if that's the case - wait until you reach that stage and see if he stops calling? That scenario has happened to me before, but it just seems like a waste of their time and energy to go through all of that. I mean, why not just go to Adult Friend Finder or Craig's List and be upfront about it?
Post a Comment