Date #30: Lifeguard, or the lunch date that was neither lunch nor date. Discuss amongst yourselves.

This was the absolute worst first meeting I've ever had and the shortest rendezvous ever in my history of dates.

Ladies, let me just reiterate one of the basic rules of dating: if a man calls to postpone or modify your already-scheduled date in any way, just call the whole thing off. And PLEASE remind me of this rule the next time I try to be nice, because Every. Single. Time. I let it happen, it turns out worse than bad!

This date was no exception to the beyond bad experience. Lifeguard called me on Sunday to reschedule our meeting twice, because of a football game! That should have been a huge red flag. But he did offer to take me out to lunch as a consolation, so I agreed, knowing how important that game seemed to be to everyone in town but me.

At least he showed up on time on the appointed date, and he did look look exactly like his picture - very tall, and sort of a cross between Tom Hanks and Vince Vaughn. But he was totally uninterested in trying to impress me or keep me engaged in pleasantries. In fact, he didn't even try to keep the conversation going except when it involved himself or the Hawaiian Islands. I couldn't decide if he was just nervous or trying to be cool.

Finally, after 30 minutes of this, he asked, "Can I get you a cup of coffee?"
????? WTF...Uh, no...you asked me out for lunch...or did you forget about promising to make it up to me, etc., etc.?????

But what I said to him was, "No, actually, it's been nice chatting, but I have errands to run", at which he practically jumped up out of his seat with exuberance and more energy than I'd elicited from him yet on the date from hell. He walked me quickly to my car with a wave goodbye. Not even a handshake to seal the deal.

Oh well, we really had no future together anyway. As it turns out, he's not moving back here after all. He's been interviewing women for a date on NYE before he goes back home, where he doesn't even own a piece of paradise. It seems to me that he is trying to recreate his unfulfilled 20-year-old fantasy of surfing every day and renting a studio apartment on the beach in Hawaii. Aloha and good riddance. Hope that dream works out for him.

Yesterday's Fun Date

The absolute best second date I've ever had:

Santa Baby let me choose the boat, then we sailed out to the open sea, drank wine, and watched the sunset. Simply awesome. As the sun sank into the Pacific, he asked, "Can you tell that I like you?" and I told him that he had better be careful, because he is becoming a hard act to follow. He knows how to make a lady feel special. I can't wait to see what he's got planned for New Year's Eve!

Meanwhile, the other Romeos must still be celebrating because they haven't gotten around to calling me to schedule the dates they said they wanted to go on after the holidays. And Lifeguard called today to postpone our coffee date because he had forgotten about the big game and wanted to watch it with his kids. So at the present time I only have one other date scheduled, but somehow I'm OK with that. Santa is looking better and better to me and it's smooth sailing ahead.

Date #29: Santa Baby

Match.com is getting creepy. The men are all looking too familiar, and stalkers lurk at every turn; when I sign in on any given day, it shows that 65-75 men have viewed my profile. However, when I click the "who's viewed me" button, only about 20 new profiles pop up. That means that creepy, douchy, skeevy losers who are too cheap to pay the subscription fee are searching me anonymously as non-members. Ewwww...not what I signed up for. 

I found date #29 on a new dating site which I won't name here. He didn't want to wait until after the holidays to meet me. Since I had a break in the middle of the day between my holiday guests, and he had nobody special in town, we met for coffee on Christmas day. What a fun day to get together, and just imagine: if it works out, we can always say we met on Christmas! As it turned out, we had a great time. We talked for 3 hours, after which I rushed back to my house just in time to get dinner ready. 

Santa Baby used to practice law, so he's a great talker, and we kept each other amused with stories of our families and our travels. He came prepared with books (!!) about subjects that we had discussed on the phone, just in case the conversation might lag. He was animated, had a nice voice, and was very polite to the server (and tipped him very well). At first he sat across from me, but towards the end of the date, he moved next to me under the guise of pointing out an interesting picture of something that I had asked him about one of his books. He is tall and in good shape, and although his looks are average and not unappealing, he did not appear overly attractive to me. My therapist says that I should not overlook this kind of man, because this is the type of guy who can grow on you. He, on the other hand, was definitely interested in me. He walked me to my car, opened my driver's side door, and kissed me goodbye. (Not a bad kisser, BTW)  Then, an hour later, he called me to thank me for a wonderful time and to schedule our second date! I have a feeling that I won't have to worry about a date on New Year's Eve as well. Thank you Santa!

Although we seem to be hitting it off, I have a few other men in the wings who are busy this week and want to take me out also. My therapist also recommends dating 4 men at a time in order to not get too excited about any particular one at first, so here's a rundown of the ones I haven't ruled out yet on the phone or via email:

Lifeguard:

Retired from his job near here, moved to Hawaii but hasn't met anyone after a year there. Is back visiting his family for a few months to see if he can buy a house here and move back but keep his home in Hawaii as a getaway. We have spoken on the phone and will meet next week. 

Steve Martin lookalike:

Very cute in his pictures. We have yet to speak but he gives great email. He has had a lot of company this week, children, relatives, etc, and has been busy so will speak with him tomorrow. Looking forward to meeting him.

Professional music man:

Not anyone I'd ever heard of or even my favorite genre of music, but he is up for a Grammy this year (!!). Has been out of town playing gigs. Not a lifestyle I'd be serious about, but the man is very poetic in his emails and is so sweet - he calls me often and we have a date planned for after the new year.

And, wouldn't you know it, Writer has been calling me and sending numerous emails. I could never get the man to call me when we were dating, but now I've heard more from him since we broke up than ever before. His latest excuse is that he has a Christmas present for me. Oh yeah, and he is almost finished writing his book. I'm going to pass on him for now.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

I Thought Obama Would Get Me a Date

After all of the celebration and hope for the future after the election, a feeling of anticlimax looms as we near the inauguration. As good as he is, I guess that Obama isn't going to bring about world peace this week, or introduce me to a nice successful handsome lawyer or doctor anytime soon.

Speaking of anticlimax, Date # 28 was very disappointing. I've seen bad combovers on men before, but this guy gave Donald Trump a run for his money in the hair department. I know I'm at the stage (again) where I must date a lot of frogs to find another Prince, but I don't need to feel like I should have to make all of the conversation or fill all of the awkward silences in an hour-long coffee date. Even though we spoke on the phone beforehand, I could not have known how boring he was until we sat and talked face to face. It's true that there is just no way to determine the measure of a man until you meet in person.

While I have at least 6 men who are emailing me and/or phoning me, they do not seem to be motivated to go out so close to the holidays. Or maybe it's because the weather is cold and rainy. Whatever, it's good that I will have visitors in town for the next 2 weeks to keep me busy. And, if I start feeling frustrated, I can always go here.

Happy Winter Solstice Everyone!

Date #27 and The Middle-Aged Dating Roller Coaster of Hope and Despair

I'm not even going to give this date a name, because it was extremely brief and nothing close to a match. He was the last remaining viable JDate guy who responded before my subscription expired, and my entry back into the dating scene after my short but sweet romance with Writer. We met for brunch and had a quick meal, which was over before I realized what was up. He was already seated when I arrived, exactly on time, and had ordered coffee for himself. I offered to get my own, but he insisted upon ordering and paying for me. This was a generous gesture on his part, but he was either so shy or nervous that he couldn't spit out the words to our server, so I felt this compulsion to interpret for him, just to speed things up a little. I know a lot about disfluency since many of my students have had problems with stuttering, and I realize that it's impolite to finish their sentences for them, but the waitress was pretty busy that day, and if I didn't speak up, I would have been in danger of missing out on breakfast entirely.

I don't know if this was what contributed to his abrupt departure, or if it was his 19-year-old gay son who caused it, but less than an hour from the time I sat down, he was getting up to leave. He promised to take me out to dinner a week later to make up for it, and then he was off. He had to rush because his son had tickets to a musical for that afternoon and needed someone to go with him, since his mother (date 27's ex-wife) was sick. Number 27 was happy to go with his son, who, he just can't understand why, has always had this crazy penchant for musical theater, Madonna, and Celine Dion. He was clueless but seemed truly apologetic to leave me, mid-brunch, so soon after our first meeting. I didn't even get a chance to explain that he really wasn't my type and that his cat (who shared living space with him) would preclude any sort of intimate behavior between us because of my allergies, but that's not the point, really, because he was just the rebound man, the one to get me back out there dating again.

Well, I figured. I'll just see if a better offer comes up. I can keep him in reserve, and if one of my other prospects asks me out, I'll cancel on him. It's not like we had a firm date or anything. But then, a few days later, he called and left me a message officially uninviting me from the date he had asked me on earlier. Damn! I was supposed to reject him first! How sad for my plummeting self-esteem that an unattractive, stuttering, painfully shy, less-than-desirable man can't even bear to be with me! He didn't even say he'd call back. All he said at the end of the message was, Well, I have your number, so... and that was it.

Wow. This is not the great splash that I imagined I'd make as I dove back into the dating pool. I sincerely hope I don't turn into this woman. Eight months of celibacy was hard enough, but 15 years? I'd kill myself! Still, I'd forgotten how sad and lonely some aspects of first dates can be.

But I'm not giving up just yet. My friends assure me that this is a good time to be looking for men, since they are busier than ever trying to get dates this time of year (I guess they don't want to go to their office parties and New Year's Eve parties alone). And this would have been the Writer's weekend with his kids, anyway, so even if I only go on one date I'm still better off than I would have been if I'd stayed attached to him.

I do have a few phone dates tomorrow and a professional musician with a nice smile sending me romantic emails, so all is not lost. And I'm heading to the gym tonight where I know I'll see some men flexing their muscles, so life could be a lot worse for me. Anyone have any other ideas on how to meet men in real life? And please don't say Home Depot, because that's an urban myth. I know, because I looked it up on Snopes.com.

New Rules Part II and Back to the Drawing Board

Rule #3: He must meet your needs or you must leave him.
In the world of dating, whether you met him online or not, remember to set your standards high and constantly reassess the man and how he's treating you. Remember - he is out to impress you at first, and his behavior will only get worse from here, not better. So if his communication skills are poor, for example, and he promises to call but goes days or (god forbid) weeks without calling you, insist upon a change in this behavior immediately or tell him goodbye. Do not settle for less than you want in any area, because you will never be able to get anything more than he's willingly giving you now.

Rule #4: Just walk away if something doesn't seem right.
The man may be perfect in every regard until you spend the night at his house and hear his phone ringing off the hook into the wee hours of the morning. A stalking ex-girlfriend? Bill collectors? Don't make the mistake of convincing yourself that since everything else about him is so good, you can just ignore this one teensy weensy red flag. Make sure that you are comfortable with every single aspect of him and his living situation because you won't be able to change him later. Many women have tried this over and over throughout history to no avail.

Rule #5: Don't believe it until you see it.
If he says he will cancel his online dating subscription because he finally met a woman who is perfect for him, make sure you go online and search for his profile to see if this is true. There is simply NO good reason for a man to have a profile that is still active when he is exclusively dating you. This is easy enough to check, even when you have done what you said you'd do and canceled your subscription. Do an anonymous search for his username to see any activity and how recent it was.

Since I always follow my own good advice (LOL), and for all of the above reasons, I am no longer dating Writer. I don't consider him a bad experience, just an educational one that only took me 2 months to absorb. I also got some pretty awesome sex out of the deal, and I realized more completely what I will and will not tolerate while in a relationship. Even though he was unable to make enough time for me in his busy life, he was definitely a major step up from all of the men I've dated before. Bottom line: I won't ever again be "dating" someone who has no time to talk to me on the phone, much less take me out on dates. While I will miss him, it will feel good to be out in the world again, doing things and talking to people instead of waiting for him to finish writing his book.

So, tomorrow begins my foray back into the dating game. I am meeting Romeo #27 for brunch at the beach. Wish me luck.

P.S.

I almost forgot the most important rule of all...

Rule #6: Do NOT Tell Him You Are Writing A Blog About Your Dating Life!

Seriously. I have never had a good experience doing this with any man in my life. Either he never reads it and you feel hurt, as if he doesn't think you have anything interesting to say - or - it colors your writing and prevents you from being honest about him, because you know he's studying it with a fine tooth comb. Or worse, you begin to use it as a way to drop hints to try and manipulate him. Finally, the worst case of all: you break up with him but he lurks there, stalking you day after day, and maybe he is even psycho/stupid enough to try to use it against you in a court of law. Sounds weird I know, but all of these things have happened to me. Maybe it will be different with you, but why take the chance? These days, the only way I would ever tell a man I'm dating about my blog is if he married me. Then, on my wedding day I would start a whole new married person's blog and he could read that to his heart's content.