On to Greener Pastures

With only one suitable man left on the free website I'd been using, I decided to broaden my horizons and sign up for a different one. No, not SeaCaptianDate.com, which I've posted about before and is probably a joke, even though Jezebel insists it's legit. No, on the advice of Mimi, I rejoined one of the top paid dating sites, even though I knew I'd have to brace myself and be ready to endure the sight of scores of men who've been cruising there for at least five years under the same profile names with the same outdated pictures. Men whom I've rejected before and would have to remind all over again why we are not a match, as well as those who'd had a promising date or two with me, and then vanished from the face of the earth. Aargh.

One of the latter guys, Oh Doctor, who's been featured in two different posts here, emailed me. I'd seen his picture, the same one he was using three years ago, while browsing my "matches," and scrolled right on past. It didn't take him long to notice me and compose this piece of romantic brilliance:
     Hi [fake name I used in my profile], A few years ago we got together. Is there any chance that you'd want to meet again?

Now maybe it's just me, but it seems that a man might want to try just a little bit harder than that by maybe throwing in a little "how have you been?" especially when he can't remember the name of the woman whom he made a second date with but never followed up on. I clicked the "No thanks, I'm not interested" reply, but he persisted, claiming that:
     At the time we went out,  I was not in great shape emotionally due to a recent breakup. But, as I remember, you were really cool. I am in great shape now mentally with lots of positive changes. How about another try? A nice dinner at C________ or maybe just a quick drink? Really would love to see you again...

Maybe if he had been able to remember even one tiny detail about our meeting, like our mutual love of the French language, or my real name, or even the fact that I don't like the food they serve at the restaurant he'd suggested, for instance, I might have been tempted. But no, he couldn't, and so I didn't, because I just can't waste any more time with a man who's just not that into me.


Now back to the last eligible man left on the old site. The Boy Scout disappeared into the sunset, leaving one single available man who claims to love my smile. The Dentist has been saying he wants to meet me in every email for weeks now. But he never suggested a time or place. Finally I took the initiative and set a date, but he wrote back that he couldn't make it. He suggested an alternate time, and that's where we left it, so we may have a date, but nothing is confirmed. There's also First Mate from the new site, an older guy who strangely resembles the sea captain in the drawing above and who says he wants to meet, but seems a little crusty and untamed to me. I'm trying to broaden my search and be open to more men, so I haven't discounted him yet - he might be nice in person.

The only other prospect I have going right now is another ocean-going fellow I'll call Kayak Man, who is not at all my type physically (bald on top, with a long grey ponytail in back), but seems to have a way with words, and likes to write funny emails about his travels. He hasn't suggested a meeting, and he's starting to venture into pen-pal territory with me, so I don't have high hopes for us being a match.

That's all I've got for now, but I'm also busy with my friends, seeing live music and planning a weekend getaway for my birthday, so I really don't have time to feel lonely. I'm sort of enjoying taking it slow this time, casting my nets out to sea and seeing what turns up for me. Who knows, some day soon a real treasure could appear in my inbox.

Haven't We Met Before? And other Hopeful Men...

Along with the many spam-like emails I get in my dating inbox, there are four or five men who are religiously writing, legitimately trying to think of something unique and distinctive with which to capture my attention. Mr. "Haven't We Met" might possibly have bumped into me once 10 years ago when he briefly filled in for a co-worker for a few days.  The fact that he remembered me and could supply details about the place where I worked at that time made an impression on me, so I wrote back, even though he's a never-married-with-no-kids and therefore not a promising match. At the end of his 6th email, when I was about to ditch him, he suggested a phone call, so I gave him another chance to prove himself.  I'm currently enduring a run of suitors who seem to be content with being pen pals, and I have neither the time nor the patience for that.  On the phone I found HWM even more dull, with a very thick Chicago accent, even though he hasn't lived there for over 30 years. That combination, combined with a nervously loud voice and a habit of asking me to repeat myself every other sentence, rendered him less desirable by the minute. I wasn't feeling it, and became completely turned off when he asked me "You aren't really one of those people who does yoga and meditates, are you?" Uh, I wouldn't have put it in my profile if I didn't want you to be someone who likes those kinds of people. That was the end for me. I ignored his next few calls and emails, but he apparently didn't get the message that I was no longer interested. I detected angry undertones beneath his inquiries about my health and whereabouts in the third voicemail. So I sent him a Dear John email, spelling out the obvious and letting him down easy, citing distance as the main reason it wasn't going to work. He finally got the message, which is ironic, since we had yet to meet, and hadn't traveled so much as one mile to see each other.


Meanwhile, Bicycle Man and I had gone our separate ways some time back but promised to stay in touch. I got a phone call from him last Saturday afternoon, and not wanting to seem like I had nothing better to do, I let it go to voicemail. Sure enough, it was a last-minute date request - he had aquired tickets to a concert that would be starting in two hours and wanted to know if I was available to go. I waited an hour or so, and texted that sorry, I was all booked up, but please keep me in mind for future events - with at least a few days' notice. Like I said before, I want to keep a foot in the door, but I don't want to get cozy in any way with him.



Remember The Boy Next Door? He of the "multi-layer beyond belief" girlfriend? I found him lurking in the IM section of our mutual dating site a few weeks ago when I signed in to check my messages. Sure enough, he started chatting me up within a few minutes. "How's it going with SandiegoGirl4me?" I asked. He told me how awesome she was and explained the multi-layer thing: her best friend works with his ex-brother-in-law. That is the extent of the amazing connection that they share? I almost spit my drink all over my keyboard. After a few more minutes of him telling jokes and trying to flirt with me, I finally asked if she knew he was still active on the site, chatting up women (I could tell he was involved in 2 or 3 simultaneous conversations because he just wasn't smart or fast enough to keep his comments directed to the right recipients). "I'm not asking you to get undressed, am I?" he asked. "Not yet" I thought to myself as I signed off.


Just before losing my patience with this site, I met a very nice and fairly intelligent man. Although his main profile pic is 8 years old, there are more recent ones on there as well, and I'll call him Boy Scout because of one of his skills (which I'll tell you about later if he makes the cut). We have chatted on the phone and it was good, except that he hasn't followed up yet, nor has he asked to meet me. I find that strange because he claimed in his second email that he was not into pen-pal relationships and was on that dating site to meet real people. I know that he enjoyed our phone conversation, but he's out of town and could be too busy, so we will see what happens, if anything.


There are two other men who have been writing, but I have just decided that I am not going to continue our correspondence. It just seems like they are trying too hard and there isn't enough to interest me. If Boy Scout fades away, I'm back to ground zero and may try a new dating site.

Real-Life Men and Dating Reruns

None of my online connections came through this weekend, so I went out on Saturday night with my good friend Jane, who is always open to new adventures. She even went speed dating with me once. I emailed Mimi shortly before leaving, and told her that I was determined to meet one nice real-life man at the bar where Jane and I were going to go for dancing and live music.  She wrote back that she was never good at that after the age of 20 or so, but neither am I, really. At my age, I'm too shy when it comes to striking up a conversation with a man in public, but my confidence level had a boost recently, so I thought I'd try again.

 I was at a karaoke bar for my daughter's birthday celebration a few nights ago, where my son told me that he had noticed a few men giving me appreciative stares, even while I was singing! That is hard to believe, but then he pointed out the men in question to me and even encouraged me to smile back at them. Lo and behold, one of these men even came over to say hi, and I don't think anyone gave him any money to do so, either. I feel like I'm a pretty observant person, and I always notice when men are looking at other women, but obviously I'm not always aware of when they are noticing me. Back to last night. When the man at the table next to ours said we could have the empty chairs at his table for the rest of Jane's friends who were arriving, I invited him to join us. I had previously noticed that he was my type, tall, a little burly, nicely dressed, with attractive facial hair. We started chatting, and all the right signals were there. He leaned in closer, brushed my arm with his, then later laid his hand gently on my arm to make a point. Later, I touched his sleeve with my hand in response to a question he asked, because that's what I am supposed to do if I'm interested, right?  Then we exchanged information (he's published a book about dating and said he could give me info about NDAs and the like), but shortly after that, he admitted that he was waiting for his date, who was 45 minutes late.  He wasn't sure if he was being stood up or not. His date, he bragged, was the sister of a major Hollywood director whom he met the night before (while they were both on dates with other people) where they felt a mutual attraction from across the room, and made plans to meet at a remote location where they wouldn't be seen by either of their previous dates. He described her for us in case she happened to enter the crowded bar unseen by him. Her hair was blonde,  he said, "Texas Blonde," and she was on the short side. Finally she arrived at his table, and that was the end of my conversation with a handsome real-life man. The band started playing, and they leaned in close to each other to talk, and it was impossible to hear any of their conversation after that. By then, the group of Jane's friends knew whose sister she was supposed to be, but everyone agreed that if she really was related to the director in question, she could only be his mother. The blonde had had some major work done, and her body was trim, but her face and hair were frozen and starched into a mask of obvious plastic surgery covered by expert makeup. She wore a short black dress, and she could shake it like a teenager out on the dance floor, and despite her age she kept his attention all night. I did give the man my email, but even if I don't hear from him, it was still a win, because I met him (and spent time talking to him) in a bar. As we left, Jane said she thought that the published author and I made a much nicer-looking couple than he and the Texas blonde, but that's the way it goes sometimes. By that time, I was no longer interested anyway.

Meanwhile, I've been contacted online by Easy Rider, who forgot that we went out on a date last year and had no chemistry, at least for my part. In response to his email, I wrote that I must have made a great impression, since it took him over a year to get back to me.  He obviously didn't get my sarcasm, and he wrote back again asking what my username was before, so he could refresh his memory! Speaking of men with bad memories, Jane told me last night that Farm Boy has written her an email on the dating site she recently joined - saying they should meet, they have a lot in common, they work in the same field, yada yada.  I'm sure she lost any respect she previously had for him, in addition to lots of faith in the class of  men who frequent online dating sites.  You see, just before I broke up with him, Farm Boy spent an afternoon with her at a rally we'd invited her to. Oh, these online men. How soon they forget!

I googled the Hollywood director from last night. His two (step)sisters are at least ten years younger than me, but the picture of his mother that came up strangely resembles the Texas blonde, although her hair is a different color in the online image.

Weekend Update

It turns out that I didn't need to worry about how to let The Boy Next Door down easy. I received this email from him a few days ago:



Not really sure.... but i think the chapter is closed on me.

wasn't really expecting it ..but yeah we clicked.....sandiegoGirl4me
...the names have been change to protect the innocent

it's a multi-layer beyond belief kind of thing

even the hardest part is already met....the

"he's so cool mom" blessing

so Juliette...i may be writing the book first
because i might have the ending!


Since I had resolved never to mention this blog to anyone I'm dating ever again, I decided I'd tell them that I'm writing a book on dating which they could read some day after I get it published. This is pretty funny though, because in no way was he ever going to be a chapter. I halfway wondered if this was a strategy to get me to beg him for another chance. Maybe if he got to meet my kids they would think he was cool too?  I wrote him back and wished him luck and told him to keep me posted. I mean, multi-layer beyond belief sounds pretty special, right?

Meanwhile, bicycle man and I clicked in a very good way. We met for dinner at my favorite fish restaurant and it turns out it's his favorite one too. He's good friends with a man whom I met and really liked at a party with Farm Boy last summer, and yes, he knows Farm Boy too. They used to work together 10 or 12 years ago, and that's just one of the many ways our lives intersect. Not exactly multi-layer beyond belief, but we talked so easily and had so much fun that there was no awkwardness at the end of the evening. He immediately asked me out again and I accepted, and then he texted me from work a few times during the week to say he was thinking about me. Oh, and he gave the best hugs I've ever had on a first date. The man is just the right height and build for me and knows how to use it. Seriously,  the best time I've had in ages.

 After I got home, I noticed his facebook profile said "separated, " and made a mental note to find out more, especially since his dating profile said "divorced."  Date #2 was lunch and a walk at the beach, and it was then that I learned all the details about Bicycle Man that would bring him down from his pedestal. The fact is, despite all of his pros, this man has more cons than I am able to deal with right now.  Although his profile insists that he's ready for a long-term relationship, he hasn't yet filed for divorce from his wife. He is enmeshed in a huge legal and financial battle with her where the house they have jointly owned for 20 years is about to be foreclosed on by the bank. I counted 10 out of 30 sentences which he began with "My wife and I..." so he is still clearly involved with her, whether on friendly terms or not. Also, he moved out of the house he shared with the wife into his newly-divorced female massage therapist's house just three months ago, and admitted that he's infatuated with the masseuse, although she refuses to get involved with him. As we were talking, he observed that he has been in back-to-back relationships since the age of 16 with no breaks between women, and admitted that maybe it is time for him to be on his own for a while after all. I had to agree, and that was that. But he is still a nice man who rents a house with 3 other roommates in the same age range who like to throw fun parties, so I will remain friends with him and go to these parties, because you just never know whom you might meet.

Mr. Clean and I are arranging a meeting in a few days, and another guy is writing. I suspect that we will be meeting in the near future as well. No word from Jersey Boy or the Sexual Healer and that's a good thing.

I'm back!

OK. Vacation's almost over, my health issues are pretty much resolved, and I'm feeling really good after a wonderful relaxing holiday with my kids. Time to get back into a routine and start getting serious about dating again. As usual, the dating websites are the best way to do that, so I signed up again. I've heard before that holidays are good times for dating, and even though the last few years were exceptions to that, I've already met quite a few men in my preferred search group. I am in contact with five of them, and they all look decent, have jobs, and can write fairly intelligently. Well, most of them have jobs - a recent injury forced one of them to quit his construction work. I am enjoying exchanging emails and IMs with these men while they decide when and if we will have that all-important first date.


Guy #1 - Mr. Clean. The most promising and intelligent, but he might just be a little too clean. Has been married one time with no kids and seems to be a little too used to living alone. Is some kind of scientist and has written a book (who hasn't these days?) which actually seems interesting to me. He's out of town for the holidays but continues to write and says he wants to meet. I'm not too sure this will happen though, because he seems to like being a pen pal a little too much. He can stay on the back burner for a while while I decide if he's interesting enough. Already he has lost points by telling me that he was such a funny guy and to prove it he copied and pasted a few old unfunny jokes from Jack Benny's time.


Guy #2 - Jersey Boy. The most knowledgeable about stuff I'm interested in, and the most spiritual sounding of the bunch. Has read a lot of the same books on the subjects and we have a few philosophical discussions, but he seems a little angry at the women in his past for all of the spirituality he spouts. Example: in his first email to me he writes, "...you need to meet one of my main requirements: no drama."


Guy #3 - The Boy next Door. The funniest and most comfortable to talk with, but also the one with no job right now and therefore no money. Coincidentally, he used to live a few blocks away from me 10 years ago, back when I was married, and so was he (to his third ex-wife). We didn't know each other then, but had friends in common in the neighborhood. He is always on the dating website when I log on, so we have IM'd a lot with some pretty fun banter. As easy as it is to chat with him, the lack of a job is a problem for me, as is the many miles away he now lives, and the fact that he can't drive because of his injury. I find myself trying to make excuses for him, but the fact is that I need to set my sights higher.


Guy #4: - Sexual healer. Yes, that's officially his job, so of course I'm never going to meet him, but he's not as flaky on the phone as he sounds, even though his official title is an "alternate lifestyle sex coach." I can't imagine how anyone could make a living doing that, and what kind of health benefits or retirement package it provides, but I'm not going to date him, so it's really a moot point. He is really cute and sincere sounding and it was fun to be greeted by him as my first contact, but that's as far as it went.


Guy #5: - Bicycle Man. I almost didn't include him. I thought his picture was adorable and his profile had a lot of similarities to mine (same job, our kids are the same age, etc.), so I sent him a wink. Instead of responding, he would visit my profile every night for two weeks with no reply. I know this because every time I signed on I would look at the visitors to my profile, and I'd see him on the list. Finally one day, a reply! Said he liked my profile and would love to meet me. I agreed, and so that's how I got my first date of 2012.

The date went very well, I'm happy to report, and will be followed up by a second one this weekend. More on that later.